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The excessive need to be me and get one’s own way is an annoying habit that makes us resist the need to change for the better.
Whether it’s a trivial decision among peers or a significant matter at work, we all want to get things done our own way. This innate need to assert our preferences and maintain a sense of individuality, also referred to as the excessive need to be “me”, is a major obstacle in the journey toward positive interpersonal behavior change.
Highlights
- The human tendency to cling to self-identified core qualities, while beneficial in some cases, ultimately hinders personal and professional growth. It makes us resistant to change, even when change is clearly advantageous.
- We demonstrate an excessive need to be “me” through behaviors such as arguing, micromanaging, defensiveness, and stubbornness.
- The obsession with being “me” typically stems from fear of change, insecurity, and lack of awareness. Over time, it becomes a problem when harmful behaviors are justified as part of one’s identity.
- Overcoming the need to be “me” requires cultivating self-awareness, embracing change, and seeking feedback from others.
Overview of the Need to Be Me
As human beings, we all have an innate inclination to hold on to certain behaviors or qualities that we identify as a core part of ourselves. These characteristics often stem from a combination of personality traits, early upbringing, and past experiences. Some of them may indeed be positive (e.g. diligence, honesty, compassion, etc.), while others might not (e.g. micromanagement, anger, inflexibility, etc.).
When it comes to personal and professional growth, the above-mentioned need to be “me” poses a significant hindrance to transformation. As pointed out by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith in his bestseller ‘What got you here won’t get you there‘, it causes us to become resistant to changing our behavior, even when we are fully aware that such change would benefit us and everyone.
We rationalize our inertia with something like “That’s just the way I am,” hence denying the opportunity to learn, evolve, and adapt.
Examples of The Need to Be Me
- Always thinking one is right
Those with an excessive need to be “me” often find themselves in constant arguments, as they attempt to assert their perspective over those of others. Their inability to accept differences in terms of viewpoints causes damage to their interpersonal relationships and teamwork spirit – as well as prevents them from being exposed to original insights.
Their overwhelming need to be in control and maintain perfection makes them struggle with delegating tasks and promoting autonomy. They like adding their own ideas to every discussion, whether it is important or not. The result of their control-freak mindset is stifled creativity and low team dynamics.
- Acting defensive
People with an excessive need to be “me” are quick to perceive any feedback, constructive or not, as a personal attack. Being defensive makes it difficult for them to listen to others, apologize for their mistakes, and identify areas for improvement. Instead, they come up with excuses to justify their behaviors (e.g. constantly missing deadlines due to their so-called creative working style).
- Being stubborn
Many times, we prefer sticking to certain fixed ways and being reluctant to adapt our viewpoints/ behaviors. An example is when a manager refuses to give positive recognition to their team members due to the fear of being perceived as weak or insincere. Failure to be flexible causes us to miss opportunities for personal growth and relationship improvement.
Why Are We Obsessed With the Need to Be Me?
- Fear of change
A fixed mindset is at the core of this bad habit. Many of us are convinced that our traits/ abilities are innate and cannot be changed; hence, acting differently is just not authentic – not “me”. We cling to a superficial self-made identity and refuse to adapt, even when we are fully aware that what we are doing right now is detrimental in the long run (e.g. being continuously late will negatively affect the team’s performance).
- Insecurity
For some, the problem may have to do with deep-seated insecurity issues, including fear of rejection/ disapproval and craving for others’ admiration. These feelings cause them to become obsessed with the self and reluctant to admit that they are wrong.
When people give too much weight to what others think about them, no wonder they are more likely to stick to what they already know to preserve their self-worth.
- Lack of awareness or feedback
Sometimes, we are unaware of our action’s impact on others; hence, we see no reason for behavior change.
When The Need to Be “Me” Becomes a Problem
Each person has a set of behaviors that they perceive as intrinsic to their identity. We define them as part of “me”, even if they are harmful and do no good to others.
If we fail to return phone calls, we justify our wrongdoing by attributing it to our commitment to work. “That’s just who I am”. Acting differently means a blow to the very core of our authenticity.
If we frequently make destructive feedback, we excuse ourselves by saying that we are only being “truthful”. We do not care about the impact of our so-called “truthfulness” on others.
Over time, we start to deem these flaws as virtues, as a significant part of our identity. Of being “me”.
This misguided loyalty to the “self” is one of the most formidable obstacles to long-term behavior change.
Read more: Passing the Buck – Why Do We Often Play the Blame Game?
The Excessive Need to Be “Me”: A Real-life Case Study
The excessive need to be me is a symptom of not being me.
Marshall Goldsmith
Several years ago, Dr. Marshall Goldsmith worked with a high-ranking executive who struggled with giving positive recognition to his staff.
In an attempt to understand his client’s perspective, Dr. Goldsmith engaged in a conversation with him. The executive justified his reluctance to offer praise, citing high standards and concerns about diluting the value of genuine recognition. He believed singling out individuals might weaken the team’s cohesion.
Client: “What do you want me to do? Go around praising people who don’t deserve it? I don’t want to look like a phony.”
Goldsmith: “Is that your excuse? You don’t want to look like a phony?”
Client: “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
However, it soon became apparent that the root cause of the issue was the executive’s sense of ego. He believed that praising others was a sign of being disingenuous.
Goldsmith: “No matter what you say, I don’t believe you have a problem with handing out praise. Nor is it that you think doing so means you’re a phony. The real problem is your self-limiting definition of who you are. You define phony as anything that isn’t . . . me! When you hand out praise, you’re thinking, ‘This isn’t me.’
Why can’t this be you, too? Is doing so immoral, illegal, or unethical?”
Client: “No.”
Goldsmith: “Will it make people feel better?”
Client: “Yes.”
Goldsmith: “Will they perform better as a result of this positive recognition?”
Client: “Probably.”
Goldsmith: “Will that help your career?”
Client: “Probably.”
Goldsmith: “So why don’t you start doing it?”
Client: “Because, it wouldn’t be me. 😊😊😊”
At that point, the executive realized that the main problem was his self-defined identity. Letting go of this excessive need to be “me” allowed him to shift the focus away from himself – and toward the well-being of his team.
He began to recognize the talents and efforts of his direct reports; eventually, he started handing out praises and encouraging words, even if things were not perfect yet.
It’s an interesting equation: Less me + More them = Success.
Marshall Goldsmith
Getting Rid of the Need to Be Me
As challenging as it seems, we need to let go of all notions about the “self” to attain self-understanding and maintain harmony in our relationships with others. Here’s how to:
Cultivate self-awareness
Self-awareness involves a deep understanding of one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. When we become more attuned to our inner workings, we may better comprehend the underlying beliefs that drive our ego.
Most of the time, our assumptions about ourselves and the world are not always accurate. They may be shaped by past experiences, upbringing, or cultural influences. Realizing that one’s behavior does not define their core identity is crucial to becoming open to the possibility of change.
When it comes to the cultivation of self-awareness, mindfulness exercises play a vital role. Daily meditation, self-questioning, self-reflection, etc. all enable us to observe our thoughts and actions with clarity – and realize when we are slipping into the influence of the ego.
Read more: Passing Judgment – Why We Must Stop This Destructive Habit
Embrace change with openness
The fear of uncertainty often reinforces the desire to be “me”; and yet, change is a natural and inevitable part of growth.
Changing behavior does not mean compromising one’s identity or authenticity. In fact, flexibility, adaptability, and respect can definitely coexist with individuality. Constantly reframing our thoughts will make it simpler for us to tread the path forward.
Read more: Self Discovery – An Expedition to the Core
Seek feedback & learn from others
Feedback from those around us provides a great source of insight into how our behavior impacts them. Sometimes, one may consider asking for help from an experienced individual such as a coach, mentor, counselor, or therapist. Working with these experts should shed light on one’s behavioral flaws and strategies for positive change.
Quotes About the Excessive Need to Be Me
More the knowledge, lesser the ego. Lesser the knowledge, more the ego.
Albert Einstein
A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.
Jillian Michaels
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.
Diana Black
If someone corrects you and you feel offended, then you have an ego problem.
Nouman Ali Khan
The ego-self constantly pushes reality away. It constructs a future out of empty expectations and a past out of regretful memories.
Alan Watts
Final Thoughts
Our excessive need to be “me” is a formidable obstacle in the journey of personal and interpersonal growth. When clinging to self-limiting definitions of who we are, we deny the ability to embrace change, adapt to new circumstances, and foster healthier relationships. For those who wish to attain greater success in life, it’s critical to shift the focus from “me” to “us”, and think about how one’s actions impact others.
Compiled with inspiration from the bestseller ‘What got you here won’t get you there‘ by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith
Other resources you might be interested in:
- Winning at All Costs: Pitfall on the Path to Success
- Taking Credit for Others’ Work: A Detrimental Habit
- Living in the Past: The Problem of Dwelling on What Was
Let’s Tread the Path Together, Shall We?
