July 2024

Time has been moving so fast – half a year is already over! To think that we have such a limited amount of time on Earth…

But yeah, whatever! Let’s just keep moving and aiming for what we truly hold dear, no matter what it takes!

July 02

So many things have happened for the last 2 days – many of which were not quite good.

I wonder: Why do people have to keep making themselves and others suffer? When will they truly realize that the demons are NOT OUT there – they are actually IN HERE?

You say you believe in the fact that you reap what you sow – but only if bad things happen to those who harmed you? How about the fact that you yourself are sowing bad things right now – which will surely manifest as disastrous consequences later when the time comes?

Why do people just keep blaming others – without looking inside to realize that they themselves have a role to play in everything?

I strongly hope that one day, people will be enlightened – otherwise, I’m not sure what will await them at the end of the tunnel.

Anw, I got a cold on Sunday – which intensified yesterday. It’s not completely over yet today – but what else can I do? Shikata ga nai.

I have to just keep moving – even if that means I have to crawl all the way to where I have identified to be.

Only 5 days left until the JLPT test this July. Let’s see – for Choukai, I only have Mondai 5 to deal with. For Dokkai, I still have tanbun, chuubun and choubun. That said, the three of them are pretty similar to each other – with the exception of their length – so yeah, the same principles.

I think let’s do Dokkai this morning, have some rest in the afternoon (unless it is not so hot), and then resume with Choukai in the evening.

No matter how tired I am, let’s just keep moving! Ganbatte ne!

(09:00 AM GMT+7 – July 02, 2024)

July 04

I don’t know why the closer I get to the test date – the more empty and unmotivated I start feeling (even though everything is still going fine, and I’m seemingly on track). Only a few things left to do, yet I somehow feel they are so overwhelming – that I have to do my best to pull myself together and tackle each small task one by one.

Maybe it’s some form of pretest jitters – a normal reaction to an important event that I have been gearing up for a long time?

I thought I should have felt relieved about the fact that I have been on track all the way – and yet, it turned out to be really anti-climatic.

Anw, it seems that for now, I need to do a few things:

• Relax (ok, let’s go out for a walk later – and let’s make a conscious effort to sleep early for the next 3 nights).
• Break down the remaining tasks.
• Reward myself (I think it’s time for some mindfulness & recreational sessions at the end of each day).
• Talk to someone (maybe not really affordable right now – as much as I want to do it).

Ok, before heading out for a walk, let’s make a list of what’s left to do. Now that I have reviewed all of the Choukai and Dokkai sections in the test, it’s time to tackle the remaining tasks:

• Recheck all of the grammar points (especially the keigo, rare/ sase, kono/sono/ano stuffs)
• Do some Kanji, vocab & grammar yosoumondai. (ah, almost forgot about the reduplication things. Not quite a lot of scores – but still… better to tackle it)
• Practice with the tests of the last 4 years.
• And finally, on Saturday (the day before the test), let’s re-scan all of the Dokkai and Choukai scripts (who knows?)

If I still have the energy later this evening, maybe let’s start with the Kanji & vocab yosoumondai to build up (no, to maintain) the momentum.

Tomorrow evening, let’s have a haircut. And on Saturday morning, let’s spend some time preparing all the necessary materials!

Ok, sounds like a plan. Here I come!

(07:00 PM GMT+7 – July 04, 2024)

July 08

It’s already over – the N2 test of July 2024! To think that I have been gearing up for this test for half a year…

Not sure whether I was able to perform optimally enough – yesterday’s test seemed much tougher than I had expected (especially the Kanji & Vocabulary section). Also, I somehow lost concentration in the last Mondai of the Choukai test (I got extremely tired at that point and just wanted to go home) – but so be it! What’s done is done; I just have to keep moving after getting over a milestone.

Until the result is available at the end of August, I should not worry too much about it; instead, I should just focus on resuming what I had been doing, which involves:

1. Taking care of this blog
2. Preparing the July newsletter for my subscribers
3. Spending time for my personal English tutoring sessions
4. Landing a teaching job (whether it involves English, Japanese, or whatever)
5. Spending time for my part-time job with the previous company
6. Practicing Kaiwa
7. Moving forward to the N1 level, and
8. Doing I-Know-What

So many things to do, so little time! Let’s just warm up today and start rolling things out gradually, I guess.

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

(12:25 PM GMT+7 – July 08, 2024)

July 17

Almost 10 days have passed since the last time I journalled. Somehow, I have been feeling very disoriented.

Last time, I mapped out some of the tasks that must be done. That being said, only #1, #3, and #5 have been taken care of so far – with many struggling.

Is it normal to feel lost and demotivated after passing a milestone you have been gearing up for for a long time? Because apparently, that is what happening to me.

Maybe it has to do with the pressure to maintain the momentum (which, obviously, comes from inside me rather than from outside). Maybe it’s a chance for me to understand and get used to the practice of letting go.

Anyway, I feel that I should talk to someone I trust to regain perspective (this Friday, I hope I will be able to catch up with my previous manager/ life mentor).

For now, what can I do? Specifically, what should I do today and for the next 2 days?

#1 is what I feel I want to do the most; yet, it is not critical right now. I can push it to sometime later (as much as I hate it).

#2 is very important (or at least, that’s what I think), and also what takes a lot of time and effort. I have 2 more weeks to deal with it – the sooner, the better.

#3 is something I have been delivering consistently (but that’s only because I have no other choice). For now, everything seems to be fine, so I guess I don’t have to worry much about it.

#4 is critical – even more than #2. However, somehow I really dread the idea of moving forward with it. I think it’s self-explanatory, as it requires me to step out of my comfort zone (and to be ready to postpone other tasks if necessary). After all, I need to find a stable way to sustain my living, so… yeah! I assume it has to be dealt with as soon as possible.

#5 is being dealt with; fortunately, I can choose to do it at my own pace. So I guess I can forget about it for (perhaps) one week.

#6 is necessary, but not really urgent. The same with #7 – however, I assume I need to take action quickly because as I am informed, a N1 class is going to be held next week. If I decide to go with it, then there will be no turning back!

#8 is, well, what matters in the long run. However, I have to kickstart it as soon as possible (but only after stabilizing my life).

So after a quick look, it seems that the only urgent things now are #4 and #2.

As much as I hate it, I think let’s start with #4 and do it step by step. I will deal with #2 on the weekend.

For #7, I think I need to make a decision today. I just wonder, am I able to afford it right now? I only wish that #1 had already been done with; in that case, it would have been much easier for me to proceed with #7! But, well, I guess it does no good to regret now. Shikata ga nai.

What’s now?

My sensei used to recommend that we deal with #7 on our own, instead of spending money (which really matters to me now, as I have not had a way to truly stabilize my living – yet).

Also, taking a look back at the roadmap I have mapped out (considering #8), I think that getting N1 is not really critical (N2 should suffice). If I am not done with N2 yet, I will continue tackling it this December.

After all, it’s all about #4, I guess. #4 -> #2 (actually, I can postpone #2, given my current situation) -> #1 -> #8.

#4 -> #2 -> #1 -> #8.

#4 -> #2 -> #1 -> #8.

Again, let’s make it sink in…

#4 -> #2 -> #1 -> #8!

I have no time for games! It’s now or never!

Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

(09:55 AM GMT+7 – July 17, 2024)

It took me a great deal of courage to press the “Submit CV” button. I wonder, why? Was it that I was afraid of being judged/ rejected?

That said, as I started pressing the button a few times, I found myself becoming much more comfortable doing it later. I guess many times, we have to be willing to take a leap of faith – and trust that the eventual outcome will be in our favor.

I think I have made enough submissions for today; let’s move on to preparing for tomorrow’s tutor session (#3) and my part-time job (#5). If there’s nothing new tomorrow, I can I can safely return to #2 and #1.

See you!

(02:00 PM GMT+7 – July 17, 2024)

July 19

#4 is going on; I’m not quite sure when I’ll be done with it, but yeah… There’s nothing I can do to speed it up (for now).

I guess it’s time to be back to #2. I’ve already had a few ideas in my mind for it, but I guess I will need time to internalize and come up with something more specific.

This evening, I’m supposed to catch up with my previous manager (who also happens to be a life mentor). I hope that the schedule will not be changed at the very last minute – cause I’m desperate to meet somebody in person!

Isolation is not good; whatever it takes, I need to find a sustainable way to maintain authentic contact with the external world. Otherwise, I think I will get crazy out of frustration!

Sometimes I wonder, why? Why do I live? What’s the point of me being in this world and consuming resources, if in the end, I will inevitably perish?

Maybe I have been here for a purpose, or for nothing at all. In the latter case, I will have to figure out one for myself.

(09:10 AM GMT+7 – July 19, 2024)

July 29

It’s almost the end of July! A lot of things happened within the last week – seems that it’s been progressing much faster than I expected.

I somehow managed to have #4 done with already –  this evening, I’m supposed to have the first catchup with two “students” who I am in charge of (and one more tomorrow). I hope that my performance will not be too shabby; whatever, it’s time for me to get geared up this morning & afternoon.

If things go out as planned, it means no more “free” evenings for me (maybe with the exception of Saturday & Sunday – for now). I really hope that it will; otherwise… well, let’s not worry too much about it! I need to have faith and trust that whatever comes my way is for the greater good (as long as I do not slack off).

Last week, my previous manager informed me of a full-time employment opportunity. I’m not quite sure if I’m ready for it yet (to be honest, I don’t want to resume my previous career path); but I guess I should not let it slip away. After all, I need to deal with a few financial burdens as quickly as possible, so maybe it’s time for me to just gaman – until things are resolved.

But I wonder: how about what I had been doing before July 2024’s JLPT test? How should I continue learning Japanese, now that I need to teach in the evening & (maybe) have a full-time job on the workdays?

It’s not critical right now, but I know that the sooner I resume it, the better (otherwise, I will forget a bunch of things by then).

What now?

Not to mention, the newsletter that I have been working on – it’s not finished yet! (#2)

I assume let’s try to prepare for all English classes this week (including the tutor sessions with my friend) today, so I can have time to tackle the newsletter tomorrow & the day after that. Better said than done though, but what other choices do I have now?

And for learning Japanese… maybe let’s think about it next week, or as soon as I’m confident that I can tackle it. Maybe finding a JP tutor is not a bad idea to keep things running – for now! And also, don’t forget about the possibility of getting a part-time job that deals with Japanese (not sure if I’m able to handle it, but well, let’s think about it).

Ok, let’s keep things rolling. There is no time for games now! It doesn’t do to dwell on dreams and forget to… (well, you know what)!

Tenki ga iikara, hajimemashou!

(09:30 AM GMT+7 – July 29, 2024)

July 30

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed since I finished my journalling yesterday (and how many things have happened since then). Suddenly, after quite a long time of (kind of) “hibernation”, I feel that I am somehow returning to life.

I guess that living in isolation is not good at all – even for a self-identified introvert. Being able to talk to people, listen to their insecurities, and share what I’ve got, etc. (even if all of these things happen online and involve complete strangers) is something (I think) I have been longing for quite a while.

There’s still a lot to face moving forward. Now, there are 4-5 people that I suddenly have to care for. Whatever is coming my way, I hope it will be for the greater good.

I still have my monthly newsletter to deal with, but I assume let’s deal with what’s going on in the upcoming weekdays first. If luck permits, I should have everything ready for this week’s upcoming tutor sessions by the end of tomorrow.

Ok, let’s smash it! Ganbatte ne!

(19:00 PM GMT+7 – July 30, 2024)