Not Listening: The Silent Killer of Relationships and Success in Life

Learn about the disastrous impact of not listening, plus strategies to abandon this bad habit & establish rapport at work and in life.

In an era of constant noise and rapid communication, the art of effective listening seems to be slipping away. Far too often, we find ourselves engaged in conversations merely to respond – NOT to understand. The prevalent bad habit of not listening has profound consequences on both our personal and professional relationships – including misunderstandings, conflicts, and missing opportunities for growth.

Highlights

• Failure to listen is a “sin” that we all commit from time to time – in various ways/ contexts in life. Signs of not listening include interrupting, changing the topic, giving unsolicited advice, judging the speaker, displaying boredom, and being distracted.
• Low concentration, lack of prioritization, personal bias, and focusing on style rather than substance are among the main causes of this behavior. Over time, it will give rise to a variety of consequences – including disengagement, missed opportunities, lost respect, hindered progress, wasted resources, hurt feelings, and decreased teamwork.
• A subtle yet harmful habit that often goes unnoticed, not listening is a grave flaw that leaders (as well as those aspiring to reach greater heights in life) must unlearn over time. For this purpose, they need to practice asking questions, paraphrasing, summarizing, affirming, challenging constructively, avoiding interruptions, refraining from judgment, and resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice.
• Mastering the art of listening involves understanding what the other person says, means, and wants. During this process, one may consider techniques such as feedforward, active questions, after-action reviews, and engagement checks.

Signs of Not Listening

If you take a deep reflection, you may notice that too often – both at work and in life – we fall into the trap of not paying attention/ not showing interest or respect when others are speaking. Examples include:

1. Interrupting the speaker

When one interrupts the speaker before they finish their thoughts or sentences, it indicates a lack of patience and respect for their opinions. As a result, the other person may feel disregarded and discouraged from fully expressing themselves/ moving forward with the conversation.

2. Changing the focus

By diverting the conversation to a different topic or shifting the focus to ourselves, we show disinterest in others’ thoughts or feelings. This is a dismissive behavior that quite often prevents meaningful dialogues from taking place.

3. Giving advice without consent

Jumping to offer solutions prematurely is really frustrating; it suggests we do not try to take the time to grasp the full context of the situation. Unsolicited advice may not be relevant or helpful, leading to further communication breakdown.

4. Judging the speaker

Passing judgment or criticizing the speaker’s ideas gives rise to a defensive atmosphere that discourages open and honest communication. This kind of response is what inhibits people from sharing anything constructive in the future.

5. Displaying signs of boredom

Nonverbal cues like facial expressions convey a lot about one’s engagement level. When appearing uninterested/ neglecting eye contact/ failing to provide feedback and acknowledgment through gestures (e.g. nodding, smiling), we insult the other person and make them less willing to continue communicating.

Aside from such expressions, physically displaying signs of excessive restlessness, such as fidgeting or constantly shifting position, also indicates that we are not fully immersed in the conversation.

6. Being distracted

Engaging in other activities while attempting to listen (e.g. looking at your phone/ watching TV, etc.) demonstrates a lack of commitment to the conversation. It shows that our attention is divided and not fully focused on what the speaker is presenting.

The Root Causes of Not Listening

• Low concentration

Concentration is the foundation of attentive listening. When our minds are preoccupied, it becomes challenging to fully focus on what others are saying. External distractions like noise or a ringing phone, as well as internal ones such as personal thoughts or strong emotions, all play a part in diverting our attention away from other people.

• Lack of prioritization

Effective listening involves discerning the core message or main points being communicated. When we fail to prioritize and distinguish between important and irrelevant information, it’s easy for us to get lost in the details and miss the central message being conveyed.

• Personal bias

Our ability to listen effectively is significantly hampered when we approach conversations with preconceived notions or biases. Without an open-minded, objective, and willing-to-learn mindset, we are likely to interpret others’ words through the lens of our own opinions and beliefs, making assumptions or passing judgments without fully considering their perspectives.

• Focusing on style rather than substance

Sometimes, we are swayed more by the speaker’s delivery or appearance rather than the actual content of their message. In other words, we are more concerned with how the message is presented – rather than trying to grasp its meaning or value. This focus on superficial aspects hinders our ability to truly understand and respond to what is being said.

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen R. Covey

Consequences of Not Listening

Failure to listen/ pay attention is the cause of various negative outcomes that affect both ourselves and the people with whom we interact. The consequences are often far-reaching – they include but are not limited to:

• Increased risk of disengagement

When we don’t listen to others, we make them feel undervalued and unappreciated – which translates to decreased motivation, job satisfaction, and commitment, particularly in professional settings. Within personal relationships, not listening constitutes emotional distance and strains interpersonal connections.

• Missing out on great ideas

Effective listening allows us to tap into a wealth of knowledge, ideas, and perspectives that others can offer. When we neglect to give weight to others’ sharing, we deny the chance to access valuable information – as well as miss out on innovative solutions/ insights that could benefit everyone.

• Losing the respect of others

Respect is earned through attention. Consistently failing to listen damages our reputation and credibility. People may perceive us as self-centered, dismissive, or uninterested, leading to a loss of trust and confidence in our abilities.

• Struggling to make change

Within personal and professional settings, collaboration and effective problem-solving are essential for growth and progress. As mentioned, not listening to others’ perspectives and feedback hinders our ability to identify opportunities for improvement, innovate, and create positive change. Additionally, such destructive behavior also gives rise to resistance and conflict within teams and relationships.

• Wasting time, energy, and effort

Poor listening is likely to lead to misunderstandings, errors, and mistakes. In a professional context, this results in rework, delays, and increased costs. Within the realm of personal relationships, miscommunications due to not listening often cause unnecessary arguments and disputes, wasting our valuable time and energy.

• Hurt feelings

Emotions play a significant role in communication and meaningful interaction. When we don’t listen to others, we hurt their feelings and give them reasons to resent us, causing a breakdown in trust.

Within team settings, such a lack of cohesion often hampers productivity and prevents effective collaboration. In fact, an experiment reported by the Harvard Business Review has proven that failure to listen makes people become inhibited and less willing to cooperate.

The only certainty you achieve by not listening to people is that you will be bored and you will be boring – because you won’t learn anything new.

Kate Murphy

Not Listening: A Subtle Detrimental Habit That Often Goes Unnoticed

(This part – along with the one below – is compiled with inspiration from the bestseller ‘What got you here won’t get you there‘ by renowned executive coach and speaker, Dr. Marshall Goldsmith)

Rudeness can sometimes be tolerated to a certain extent, but it’s a completely different story when it comes to the failure to pay attention. Perhaps this is because attentive listening is a skill that everyone should be capable of – and yet often takes for granted.

Keeping our ears open, maintaining eye contact, and refraining from interrupting seem like simple tasks, but quite often they turn out to be surprisingly challenging.

When we demonstrate a lack of attention, we unintentionally communicate a barrage of negative messages, including:

• “I don’t care about what you’re saying,” or
• “I don’t understand your perspective.”

Or even worse:

• “You’re wrong”
• “You’re not smart enough” or
• “You are wasting my precious time.”

Such behavior seriously jeopardizes our relationships and ability to communicate with others. People may question whether it’s worth engaging in conversation with us again, given the evident lack of interest we display.

What makes not listening even more intriguing is how often it goes unnoticed. It is a silent, invisible act that easily slips under the radar. Whether we are bored, distracted, or too preoccupied with composing our responses, others might not immediately realize that we are not fully present in the conversation.

The only time our lack of listening becomes conspicuous is when we exhibit signs of impatience – when we want the speaker to hurry up and conclude their point. Only at such moments does it become apparent that we are not genuinely engaged.

And unfortunately, people are unlikely to forget or forgive us for being so insolent.

People notice that. And they rarely think better of you for it. You may as well be shouting, “Next!” at them.

Marshall Goldsmith

Not Listening: The Death Trap of Leadership

Most people never listen.

Ernest Hemingway

As shared by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith, not listening is a common destructive pattern that he often noticed among his clients during his coaching career. Once, he worked with a group of executives from a highly esteemed research and development organization. The top management team faced a pressing challenge: retaining young talent.

The root cause of this talent retention problem later became apparent:

During presentations everyone in senior management had developed the annoying habit of looking at their watches, motioning for junior scientists to move it along, and repeating over and over, “Next slide. Next slide.”

Imagine being a junior scientist making a presentation – while your managers impatiently grunt and urge you to move it along. You should know how discouraging and outrageous such an experience is!

In this example, the senior management team was too brilliant; hence, they found it challenging to remain patient during such presentations. However, as new employees just came and left the organization, they realized they had to change their ways.

In the past, talented individuals might have tolerated disrespectful behavior at major corporations – given that they had limited options for employment. However, in today’s world, people have a plethora of alternatives, such as working in small start-ups or pursuing their own ventures. They are no longer confined to traditional corporate environments – and can find success and fulfillment elsewhere.

It is essential for leaders to understand this paradigm shift. Bright minds will no longer endure impatience and disrespect. They have the freedom to seek better opportunities where they can be valued and thrive.

If you catch yourself impatiently drumming your fingers – or mentally urging someone to hurry up while they speak, it’s time to stop. Such behavior is not only rude and annoying; it also pushes talented people to seek new bosses who genuinely listen and respect their input.

When you disagree with your direct reports, resist the impulse to stop listening. This is one of the two critical mistakes leaders must never make (the other is pointing out why the other person is wrong and why they themselves are right).

To excel in their professional journey, one must learn to listen attentively, repeat what they have heard to ensure understanding, and acknowledge the logic of others’ perspectives before moving on to explain their own decisions/ reasoning respectfully.

Read more: Refusing to Apologize – How to Abandon This Insidious Habit

How to Break the Habit of Not Listening

Sometimes all a person wants is an empathetic ear; all he or she needs is to talk it out. Just offering a listening ear and an understanding heart for his or her suffering can be a big comfort.

Roy T. Bennett

Listening is a key skill for leaders, managers, and anyone who wishes to improve their relationships and communication. Here are a few tips on how to become a better listener:

Dos

• Do ask questions

Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions encourages the other person to delve deeper into their thoughts and emotions. This type of questioning shows that you are engaged in the conversation – and genuinely interested in empathizing with their perspective.

• Do paraphrase what they say

Paraphrasing involves restating the other person’s points in your own words. It allows you to clarify any misunderstandings and ensure that you have accurately grasped their message.

• Do summarize the key takeaways

Summarizing the main points at the end of the conversation shows that you were attentive and helps reinforce the key aspects of the discussion. In addition, it also provides closure to the conversation, leaving both parties with a clear understanding of what was discussed.

• Do affirm the other person’s efforts

Genuine praise and positive reinforcement boost the other person’s self-confidence – as well as contribute to a supportive and encouraging atmosphere. Acknowledge their strengths, accomplishments, and efforts to let them know that their contributions are valued.

• Do constructively challenge their assumptions

While it’s essential to be supportive, constructive feedback is also invaluable as a personal and professional growth tool. If you have differing perspectives or see room for improvement, approach it in a respectful manner to encourage positive change.

Donts

• Don’t cut them off

Interrupting someone while they are speaking is a completely disrespectful behavior – and is likely to cause the other person to feel unheard or devalued. Instead, allow them to express themselves fully – so as to demonstrate that you value their input and are willing to give them the space to share their thoughts and feelings openly.

• Don’t pass judgments

Being non-judgmental is crucial to establishing a safe environment for open communication. When you refrain from criticizing or making assumptions about others’ thoughts or ideas, they will feel more comfortable sharing their ideas/ stories without fear of criticism.

• Don’t give advice unless they ask for it

While it may be tempting to jump in with solutions, sometimes people just need to be heard and understood. Unless they specifically request your input, it’s much better to focus on being a supportive listener – rather than trying to fix their problems.

• Don’t change the topic or shift the focus to yourself

Effective listening involves staying focused on the other person’s words and experiences. Under all circumstances, refrain from making the conversation about yourself – or using it as a platform to showcase your achievements or knowledge.

Techniques for Effective Listening

Below are some simple, yet effective tools for listening to connect:

• Feedforward

Rather than giving feedback on what people did wrong in the past, one should now ask questions/ give suggestions on how to improve something in the future. Feedforward contributes to a positive and constructive conversation that puts an emphasis on solutions and possibilities, rather than problems and limitations.

Read more: Living in the Past – The Problem of Dwelling on What Was

• Active questions

A technique that involves asking the other person questions that start with “Did you do your best to…” – followed by a specific behavior or goal. For example:

“Did you do your best to listen to your team today?”

When you approach the conversation in such a way, people are given the opportunity to reflect on their own performance and motivation, instead of looking to external factors or making excuses.

• After-action review

The idea is to ask four questions after a project or event:

“What did we set out to do? What actually happened? Why did it happen? What can we do better next time?”

This tactic prompts the other person to learn from their experience and identify areas for improvement, rather than repeating the same mistakes or blaming others.

• Engagement check

A technique that involves asking the other person how engaged they are in the conversation on a scale of 1 to 10 – and what can be done to increase their engagement. Aside from allowing others to express their feelings and needs, it also helps us adjust our communication style and behavior to match their preferences.

The Art of Listening: 3 Levels to Master

When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.

Roy T. Bennett

Listening is one of the most crucial interpersonal skills. In order to master this competency, one needs to be aware of its 3 different types:

1. Listening to what the other person SAYS

At the most basic level of listening, you are focused on the words the other person is saying. This involves paying attention to the content of their message, understanding the information they are conveying, and processing the facts or opinions they share.

The skill of active listening is crucial here, as it helps avoid distractions and shows respect to the speaker. Non-verbal cues, such as their tone of voice and body language, also play a part in comprehending the complete message. Actively paying attention to what they say lays the solid foundation for effective communication.

2. Listening to what they MEAN

Moving beyond the surface level of spoken words, one must do their best to grasp the deeper meaning and emotions behind the message. People often communicate not only through their words – but also through the subtext, emotions, and unspoken cues.

As a skilled listener, you must seek to understand the thoughts, feelings, and motivations that lie behind their words. This requires empathy, intuition, and the ability to put yourself in their shoes to comprehend their points of view fully. Though not easy, doing so will enable you to develop a deeper connection with the other person – as well as make it easier for you to respond more appropriately and compassionately.

3. Listening to what they WANT

At this level, the focus shifts to being conscious of the person’s desires, aspirations, values, and goals. It involves probing deeper into their intentions and vision for the future. As a leader or coach, such a skill is particularly essential to guiding and supporting the person in achieving their objectives.

Quotes and Proverbs about Not Listening to Others

No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.

Jewish Proverbs

Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice.

Proverbs 12:15

Listening is not understanding the words of the question asked, listening is understanding why the question was asked in the first place.

Simon Sinek

The collective monologue is everyone talking and no one listening.

Stephen R. Covey

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.

Epictetus

If you’re not listening, you’re not learning.

Lyndon B. Johnson

Everybody talks, nobody listens. Good listeners are as rare as white crows.

Helen Keller

Books About the Bad Habit of Not Listening to Others

• “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” by Mark Goulston.
• “The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships” by Michael P. Nichols.
• “The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction” by Adam S. McHugh.
• “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters” by Kate Murphy.

Other resources you might be interested in:

• Taking Credit for Others’ Work: A Detrimental Habit
• Not Saying Thank You: Why Do We Often Fail to Express Gratitude?
• Winning at All Costs: Pitfall on the Path to Success
• Habits in Personality Development: How to Master One’s Destiny
• Asking for Help: The Power That Comes From Vulnerability