Self-identity: A Contemplation on Being & Becoming

Why am I me and not somebody else?

Nemo, ‘Mr. Nobody’ (2009)

Have you ever asked yourself this question before?

I certainly have. It takes me back to being a kid, a time long before I consciously started my self-discovery journey, before I knew words like ‘existentialism’ or had what I’d call ‘philosophical thoughts’. Back then, it was pure wonder:

“Why am I seeing the world through these eyes? Why am I in this body instead of someone else’s body? Why am I not another person?”

“Why am I a boy, not a girl?”

“Why do I exist? Why am I?”

“How would I ‘feel’ when all of my senses are gone (i.e., I die)?”

“Who am I?”

Maybe those sound like silly questions now, something to dismiss with a ‘Why bother?’

It’s a fair reaction in a world that demands answers and actions, not just pondering. These existential questions don’t pay the bills or finish the chores.

And yet… isn’t there something deeply human about asking them?

Doesn’t wrestling with the sheer improbable fact of your own specific existence – of the incredible, fragile, unique thing we call ‘self’ – feel… important?

After all, the quest for finding one’s identity is a universal human experience – this quiet nudge to understand who we are beneath the surface. And delving into it is, I think, far more than just an abstract philosophical exercise.

In fact, I believe it plays a crucial role in helping us better navigate our lives, both individually and together. This is especially true when one faces moments of difficulty or uncertainty (e.g. during maturity; following an environment change; after a major crisis or setback; during a life/ career transition; following an experience that fundamentally challenges one’s view on life/ values/ the world, etc.). These moments, as I have figured, are something we all experience at some time in our lives.

Now, it’s important to say that when it comes to the ‘self’, people hold vastly differing viewpoints. Throughout history, thinkers, dreamers, and everyday individuals have grappled with the complexities of self-identity from a multitude of angles, some of which are seemingly “incompatible” with each other.

For my part, I do not intend to present a definitive answer – I certainly don’t have one (and I’m not sure if there is one accepted by everybody)! Instead, my hope is to explore some of these fascinating perspectives and questions together.

Think of it as an invitation: not for me to tell you who you are, but to stimulate your own reflection and encourage you on your unique path of discovering that for yourself.

With that spirit of curiosity, let us dive in, shall we?

Highlights

• Self-identity is not a simple label; it involves a dynamic and evolving understanding of who we are, shaped by a rich interplay of inner experiences and outer worlds. As such, it is best approached with an appreciation for its inherent complexity.
• A clear and authentic sense of self is foundational to a life imbued with meaning, fostering genuine connections, nurturing inner resilience against life’s challenges, and paving the way for personal transformation.
• Life often presents distinct internal stirrings – such as feelings of misalignment or a yearning for deeper purpose – and significant external transitions that serve as potent invitations to pause and consciously explore one’s self-identity.
• When explored from within, our self-identity reveals its inherent nature as richly multifaceted and deeply personal, constantly evolving through time, fundamentally interconnected with all life, possessing both empowering and limiting potentials, and holding a remarkable capacity for transcendent awareness.
• The path toward self-knowledge involves courageously navigating significant challenges – including internal delusions about the ego, ingrained psychological traps like fear and limiting narratives, pervasive external societal pressures, and various unique complexities introduced by our modern digital age.
• Truly realizing one’s self-identity requires an active inner journey; it calls for the dedicated cultivation of essential qualities such as courage, honesty, humility, self-awareness, and self-compassion.
• We actively shape and develop a more authentic self-identity through ongoing, conscious practices like letting go of fixed notions, clarifying our core values with flexibility, embracing present-moment awareness and life’s inherent uncertainty, exercising our personal agency, cultivating a clear and compassionate view of reality, and ultimately, choosing love as our guiding principle.

What is Self-identity?

When the phrase “self-identity” comes up, what springs to your mind?

For many of us, the immediate answers might be our name, our profession, the roles we play like “parent” or “friend,” perhaps our most prominent personality traits – “I’m an introvert,” “I’m ambitious,” or even our cherished hobbies, “I love hiking.”

These are, undoubtedly, parts of how we describe ourselves to the world, and to ourselves.

But do these labels, these surface-level identifiers, truly capture the entirety of who you are?

Is your identity merely a collection of roles, characteristics, and preferences, or is there something more profound, something deeper at its core that these descriptors only hint at?

Definition & related concepts

Let’s start with a preliminary idea: Self-identity is the dynamic and evolving understanding of who we perceive ourselves to be. It’s far more than a static list of qualities; it’s a living process shaped by our innermost experiences, our personal history, the web of our relationships, and the world that surrounds and interacts with us. Think of it as both an internal compass that guides our choices and the unfolding story we continuously author about who we are and are becoming.

The concept of “self-identity” is closely related to, yet distinct from, a few other psychological terms that are helpful to know:

• Self-concept often refers to the more descriptive and evaluative picture we hold of our own abilities, attributes, and characteristics. It’s the “who I think I am” inventory.
• Self-image is a component of this, specifically how we see ourselves, which is under the influence of many factors.
• Self-esteem, then, is the emotional charge on that self-concept – how we feel about who we perceive ourselves to be, the value we place on it.

Sometimes, you may hear people referring to “self-identity” with terms such as “personal identity”, the “sense of self”, or simply the “self”. Strictly speaking from an academic perspective, these terms are not quite the same; however, for the purpose of our exploration here, we will consider them as pointing to the same broad phenomenon and use them somewhat interchangeably to refer to that complex, multifaceted experience of individuality, personal existence, and our ongoing inquiry into “who I am.”

Unpacking “Self” through different windows

To truly appreciate what self-identity might encompass, it’s enriching to peer through various “windows” – different fields of human inquiry that each offer unique tools and insights into this complex phenomenon.

A. The psychological lens: Understanding the ‘mechanics’ of self

Psychology provides us with practical, often empirically grounded, insights into how our sense of self develops, how we experience it, and how it functions in our daily lives. It helps us grasp some of the tangible aspects of who we are. Key concepts typically explored include:

• Identity formation: The journey, especially prominent in adolescence but truly lifelong, of forging a coherent and consistent sense of who we are.
• Self-concept & self-esteem: These act as building blocks, forming the content and evaluation of our self-perception.
• Personality traits: Those relatively enduring patterns in our thinking, feeling, and behaving that contribute to our uniqueness.
• Memory: The crucial thread that weaves together our past experiences, present awareness, and projections of a future self, creating a sense of continuity.

Psychology also illuminates how our self is, in many ways, “intersubjective.” It exists not just in our private consciousness, but also in how we imagine others perceive us, and in the interplay between our “I” (the subjective experiencer) and our “me” (the self as an object of our own and others’ reflection). Our interactions and interpretations of how others see us constantly shape this sense of “me.”

B. The sociological lens: The self in society

Sociology broadens the view, highlighting how profoundly our identity is shaped by the social structures and cultural contexts we inhabit. It reminds us that we are not formed in a vacuum.

Our social roles (as a parent, an employee, a citizen, a friend), our group affiliations (based on culture, nationality, subcultures we belong to, or even shared interests), and the overarching cultural narratives of our society all contribute significantly to defining who we believe ourselves to be and how we fit into the world.

C. The neuroscientific glimpse: The brain and self

A newer, yet rapidly advancing, perspective comes from neuroscience. While the mystery is far from fully solved, neuroscience is beginning to map how the intricate workings of our brain activity contribute to our continuous sense of being a distinct individual, our self-awareness, and even our memories and sense of personal history. It’s a complex and evolving field, offering fascinating glimpses into the biological underpinnings of our subjective experience of self.

Recent research is revealing that self-awareness isn’t tied to a single brain spot but involves widespread brain networks. Crucial areas, like parts of the prefrontal cortex, help weave our memories together to form a consistent sense of who we are over time, and damage here can indeed impact our identity.

Intriguingly, practices like mindfulness have been shown to change brain activity related to how we process and experience our ‘self’ – potentially fostering a healthier and more adaptable self-perception.

D. The philosophical quest: Fundamental questions of being

Philosophy, for millennia, has been the arena for grappling with the most fundamental questions about the nature of the self, existence, and meaning. It invites us into deeper introspection and critical thinking.

Some core philosophical inquiries relevant to self-identity include:

• The nature of the self: What truly constitutes the “I” that thinks, feels, and experiences? Is it a soul, a mind, a process, or something else entirely?
• Personal continuity: What makes you the same person across time, despite all the physical and psychological changes you undergo? This involves age-old questions, sometimes explored through thought experiments, about how we remain recognizably “us” through the constant flow of change.
• Consciousness: What is the role of conscious experience in defining who we are? Is it central to our identity?
• Existentialism: Briefly, this branch of philosophy emphasizes our freedom and responsibility in creating our own meaning and, by extension, our own self, in a world that may not offer inherent purpose.

It’s worth noting here that much of Western philosophical thought, historically, has placed a strong emphasis on the idea of a core self that demonstrates sameness and continuity over time.

Cultural perspectives of the “Self”

As we start to see, defining self-identity isn’t straightforward. The challenge is magnified when we consider the vast diversity of philosophical and cultural viewpoints around the world.

• Western cultures, for instance, have often emphasized concepts of personal independence, individual achievement, and a view of the self as a distinct, autonomous, and continuous entity.
• In contrast, many non-Western cultures (including various Indigenous, Asian, and African traditions) promote a more interdependent view of the self. Accordingly, identity is typically understood through its deep connections to family, community, nature, and social roles. Concepts like the Buddhist notion of anatta (no-self or non-essential self) highlight impermanence rather than enduring sameness, while Confucian thought emphasizes relational identity, where the self is defined and cultivated through its harmonious participation in social relationships.

Given these diverse perspectives, especially the contrasting emphasis on enduring “sameness” versus inherent “impermanence” or “relationality,” crafting a single, universally agreed-upon definition of self-identity is indeed challenging, if not impossible.

Toward a more inclusive view

Perhaps instead of seeking a rigid, definitive answer, let’s think of self-identity as our ongoing engagement with the fundamental questions of who we are. It’s about what it means to be you – how you connect with your past and envision your future, and what makes you distinct from others. This includes:

• Your subjective feeling of being a continuous person, that inner sense of “I-ness” that experiences life.
• Your physical presence, your body as a vehicle of experience in the world.
• Your unique psychological makeup, encompassing your memories, personality patterns, beliefs, and values.
• Your roles and relationships, which connect you to others and to society.
• And crucially, the stories and narratives you weave about your life to make sense of it all.

As you may see, the idea here is to cultivate a more inclusive, “transcendent” view that:

• Focuses on the universal human “concern” or the “questions” about identity, rather than presupposing a single, fixed answer.
• Embraces multiple dimensions – the felt sense, the physical, the psychological, the social, and the narrative – recognizing that identity isn’t just one thing.
• Acknowledges the “felt sense” of continuity as a common human experience, which is a starting point for many discussions, without making it the sole, absolute criterion for identity.
• Avoids locking into one specific metaphysical basis for identity (e.g., it doesn’t insist that identity is only a soul, only the body, or only psychological states).
• Allows for the dynamic and evolving nature of identity, acknowledging that who we are may change and develop later.

Whether one’s personal conviction or cultural background prioritizes an enduring core self, psychological continuity, relational roles, or the impermanence of all things, the questions and experiences related to identity remain profoundly central to the human condition.

And even if we accept that our identity is subject to change, the practical need to recognize individuals over time for social, moral, and legal reasons remains. Most philosophies and societal structures, even those emphasizing impermanence, offer ways to understand this perceived continuity in daily life.

The Importance of Self-identity

So far, we’ve affirmed that there is indeed something profound and deeply significant to this concept of “self” or “individuality” – something that warrants our sustained curiosity, our most honest introspection, and our dedicated reflection. It’s not just an abstract puzzle for thinkers in ivory towers; the nature of who we perceive ourselves to be touches every aspect of our lives.

But why is understanding it so crucial? What real difference does it make to embark on this journey of self-discovery?

1. Akin to knowing/ remembering one’s “true name”

Have you ever encountered stories where knowing something’s – or someone’s – “true name” grants a special kind of insight or power?

Across countless cultures and throughout history, names have often been considered far more than mere labels. They’re seen to carry deep meaning, reflecting lineage, destiny, perhaps even the very essence of one’s personality.

A “true name,” in this almost mythical sense, is imagined as the very core of a person’s being, their authentic self.

This yearning to grasp one’s fundamental being echoes in ancient scriptures. The Book of Exodus recounts the encounter of the prophet Moses with God on Mount Sinai. As he was about to be sent on a mission to liberate the Israelites, Moses asked God what his name was, to which he received the reply:

“I am who I am“.

As human beings, we all wish to not just have an identity, but to deeply realize and affirm our own unique existence and nature. From this self-knowledge, our sense of place in relation to others and to the world itself begins to clarify.

The concept of a “true name” holding deep significance is a recurring motif in humanity’s collective storytelling, from philosophical dialogues to epic adventures and modern tales.

• In Plato’s Cratylus, Socrates explores whether names are merely conventional sounds or if they can possess a “natural correctness,” somehow reflecting the true essence of the thing named. Simplified for our purposes, this philosophical musing touches on the idea that a “true” understanding, like a “true name,” aligns with the inherent nature of a person or thing.
• In Ursula K. Le Guin’s A Wizard of Earthsea, the magic of the world is intrinsically tied to knowing the true names of things and beings. Learning these names grants power, and the protagonist Ged’s journey is largely about mastering this responsibility, including the perilous path to knowing his own true name.
• Similarly, in Christopher Paolini’s Eragon, the true name of any being holds immense power; discovering one’s own is a pivotal moment of self-understanding and central to a character’s entire development and destiny.
• In Kung Fu Panda 2, the protagonist Po’s plaintive question, “Who am I?” drives his entire arc. While not explicitly about a magical “true name”, Po’s concern was about the truth of his origins and his being, the discovery (and acceptance) of which is key to unlocking his inner power.
• Rey’s journey in the Star Wars saga also echoes this, as she grapples with questions of lineage, belonging, and her place in a galaxy-spanning conflict, seeking to comprehend the forces that shape her identity.
• Hayao Miyazaki’s masterpiece, Spirited Away, vividly portrays the peril of losing one’s name and, by extension, one’s identity. When Chihiro enters the spirit world, the witch Yubaba steals her name to control her. Another character, Haku, has also had his name stolen and forgotten, trapping him in servitude. Their liberation hinges on remembering and reclaiming these true names.
• In the world of Yu-Gi-Oh!, the central plot revolves around the Nameless Pharaoh, Atem, whose quest to recover his forgotten name is inextricably linked to restoring his memories, his full identity, and fulfilling his ancient destiny.

Image credit: Fandom

While these tales may involve elements of fantasy or mysticism, they all share a common theme: the “true name,” or the true, essential self it represents, holds genuine power. Knowing it is often portrayed as the key to gaining power over oneself. This isn’t necessarily about external control, but an inner, psychological, and existential empowerment.

While the ‘true names’ in the above-mentioned narratives typically carry a whisper of magic or myth, their enduring appeal lies in a deeper truth they mirror about our own lives. Specifically, the journey to understand our own self-identity – to connect with that very core of our being – is an endeavor of profound and practical importance. It points towards a more centered, insightful, and potent way of navigating existence.

With this understanding of why such self-knowledge is likened to discovering a powerful ‘true name,’ let us now delve into the specific ways a clearer sense of self may benefit us.

2. The bridge to meaning, belonging, and authentic living

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.

Richard Grant

The desires for meaning, purpose, and belonging – things that make life more than mere existence – are not superficial wants but deeply ingrained human needs. Sociological thought has long underscored our intrinsic need for social integration, not just for support, but to find our unique place and derive meaning within a collective context. When these deep needs go unmet, one is likely to feel adrift, a sense of something vital missing from their life.

Beyond these fundamental drives, there exists a quiet yet powerful human intuition: the sense that our individual existence, in its unique manifestation, should somehow matter. The psychologist Erik Erikson once articulated this profoundly when he wrote:

We all dimly feel that our transient historical identity is the only chance in all eternity to be alive as a somebody in a here and a now.

What does this deep-seated urge to be a ‘somebody’ truly signify for us?

Erikson’s insight points towards the crucial role our felt sense of individual identity plays in imbuing our fleeting lives with personal meaning and resonance. It highlights the unique configuration of awareness and experience that each of us embodies – the specific lens through which we, and only we, encounter the world.

This isn’t about a yearning for public acclaim or extraordinary status, but rather about the intimate, subjective conviction that this particular stream of consciousness, this life that is ‘mine,’ possesses a distinct quality and offers an unrepeatable perspective on existence, regardless of how outwardly modest our circumstances might be.

When we connect with and begin to articulate this personal self-identity, we transform what might otherwise feel like mere biological duration into a vividly lived experience of being a particular individual – someone with a unique narrative-in-progress, a distinct viewpoint that contributes to the human mosaic, and an irreplaceable presence in the here and now. The profound feeling of ‘mattering’ as this specific ‘somebody’ is one of the most powerful wellsprings of meaning we tap into, fueling our engagement with life.

So, how does knowing who we are connect to these fundamental aspirations and affirm this vital sense of being a significant ‘somebody’?

• Finding your ‘place’

Knowing yourself – including your core values, unique passions, inherent strengths, and distinct perspectives – is like possessing an internal map, guiding you towards your “place”: a state of authentic alignment in the broader world, within your communities, and in your relationships.

This isn’t about contorting yourself to fit in or conforming to external pressures. Quite the opposite. A clearer self-identity empowers you to seek out and cultivate environments, roles, and connections where your authentic self doesn’t just survive, but can genuinely thrive. It lessens the feeling of being overwhelmed by infinite choices and provides a coherent sense of direction, which in turn fosters a healthy sense of personal agency and perceived control over your life’s journey.

• Serving as an internal compass

Self-knowledge makes it easier to resist distractions or influences that are not aligned with your core identity and chosen goals. As such, you become better equipped to prioritize your actions, energies, and commitments. The friction between your desires, actions, and core beliefs is lessened. This alignment is the heart of what it means to live authentically – when your external life begins to more closely mirror the truth of your inner world, instead of being swayed by external expectations, societal scripts, or a “false self” constructed primarily to please others or avoid disapproval.

• Cultivating true belonging

When you understand your core identity, you become better equipped to discern what kind of relationships and communities will be genuinely nourishing and supportive. You begin to recognize ‘your tribe’ – those individuals who resonate with your values/ passions, and accept you for who you truly are, fostering an environment of mutual growth.

This stands in stark contrast to attempts to belong made without self-awareness, which are likely to give rise to superficial connections, a lingering sense of alienation even amidst a crowd, or the exhausting charade of maintaining a false persona.

A clear self-identity allows you to show up as you are, paving the way for deeper, more meaningful bonds.

Consider, for example, someone who discovers through dedicated self-reflection that deep empathy and collaborative problem-solving are central to their being. This realization not only steers them towards a career path that feels inherently meaningful (perhaps in mediation, community development, or a leadership style that fosters teamwork) but also guides them towards friendships and groups where these qualities are cherished and reciprocated. The result is, most of the time, a powerful synergy of purpose and belonging.

At the same time, it’s also crucial to recognize the courage of aligned non-belonging. A strong sense of self provides the clarity and fortitude to disengage from groups, relationships, or situations that compromise your core values or authentic self.

This discernment is vital; sometimes, true belonging to oneself and to what matters most means first acknowledging where you don’t belong, thereby freeing you to find or create spaces where genuine connection truly is possible.

3. Better equipped to deal with life’s transitions & disruptions

Life, in its essence, is a dynamic unfolding, rarely a straight or predictable path. It is marked by constant transitions – career shifts, the evolution of relationships, the natural process of aging, moving to new places – and punctuated by unforeseen disruptions like loss, illness, or sudden setbacks. No one is exempt from navigating these currents of change.

While these periods may undoubtedly be challenging, unsettling, and even disorienting, how we weather these storms is significantly influenced by the clarity and resilience of our internal sense of self.

The unfortunate thing is that many of us succumb to a “fragile sense of self” – one that is:

• Overly reliant on external validations: Perhaps your sense of worth is almost entirely tied to your job title, your social status, a particular relationship, or constant approval from others.
• Vaguely defined or poorly understood: You might have a hazy notion of who you are, lacking clarity on your core values, beliefs, or intrinsic strengths.
• Rigid and unable to adapt: Your self-concept might be so fixed that any experience challenging that definition feels like a fundamental threat, making integration of new realities difficult.
• Not deeply rooted in intrinsic values or a stable inner foundation: Your identity might be built more on shifting external factors than on deeply held, internal principles.

When an identity is characterized by such fragility, even predictable life transitions, let alone sudden disruptions, can lead to personal crises – i.e., feeling profoundly lost, overwhelmed, or as if one’s entire world is shattering because the external supports that propped up that identity have changed or disappeared. In fact, many common life problems – such as chronic indecision, a persistent fear of commitment, pervasive dissatisfaction despite outward success, or profound difficulty coping with loss – are frequently rooted in unresolved questions, insecurities, or a lack of clarity about one’s core identity.

Below the level of the problem situation about which the individual is complaining – behind the trouble with studies, or wife, or employer, or with his own uncontrollable or bizarre behavior, or with his frightening feelings, lies one central search. It seems to me that at bottom each person is asking, ‘Who am I, really? How can I get in touch with this real self, underlying all my surface behavior? How can I become myself?’

Carl R. Rogers

So, how does a developed, flexible, and well-understood self-identity help us navigate these challenging waters more constructively?

• Provides continuity & coherence

A strong sense of self offers a stable thread of “me-ness” that persists even when external roles or circumstances change dramatically. It’s the feeling of, “Even though X has changed in my life, I know who I am at my core, and I am able to navigate from that center.”

• Offers a framework for interpretation

When disruptions occur, a clear identity, rooted in your values and life narrative, allows you to make sense of these events in a way that aligns with who you are. Instead of feeling purely chaotic or like a passive victim of circumstance, you have the capacity to frame the experience within your broader understanding of your life’s journey. For instance, a difficult career change might be framed not as a personal failure, but as an unexpected detour that opened new avenues for self-discovery.

• Guides adaptive responses

Knowing your core values and priorities helps you make choices during transitions that are conducive to your long-term well-being (e.g. addressing a conflict calmly rather than reactively, based on awareness of your value for respectful communication). This contrasts with reactive, fear-based, or self-defeating decisions springing from a place of confusion or a threatened ego.

• Fosters resilience & potentially reduces self-sabotage

While not a magic shield against distress, a strong internal compass acts as a significant protective factor. It makes one less prone to prolonged despair or extreme withdrawal (like the phenomenon of hikikomori, where individuals isolate themselves completely – a culturally specific response that nonetheless highlights the dangers of a fractured connection to self and society). A grounded identity provides an internal source of worth and meaning that is less dependent on fluctuating external conditions.

4. More fulfilling social interactions

In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.

Erik Erikson

A robust self-identity is far from a self-absorbed or isolating pursuit. Instead, it is a vital ingredient for enriching one’s social lives and deepening human connections.

The journey inward to know our own depths doesn’t just change how we see ourselves; it fundamentally reshapes our perception of and engagement with everyone around us.

• Authenticity invites authenticity

With self-knowledge comes self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance comes the ability to present one’s genuine self. There’s less need for pretense, less fear of vulnerability. As such, it contributes to creating an atmosphere of safety and trust, encouraging others to lower their own defenses and be more genuine in return.

• More transparent communication

A clearer sense of self inherently facilitates more articulate and honest communication of our own needs, boundaries, values, and feelings. When we know what feels “right” for us, we can express it more directly and constructively. Simultaneously, this inner clarity reduces the tendency to project our own unresolved issues, insecurities, biases, or assumptions onto others – leading to interactions based more on present reality than past baggage.

• Seeing beyond the superficial facades

Being aware of our own complicated nature sensitizes us to that in others. It allows us to look past the immediate roles, labels, and surface-level presentations that often dominate social interactions. We start to see the person behind the ‘difficult colleague’ label, recognizing their potential unseen struggles, their own hidden complexities, or appreciating the unique individuality of a family member beyond our ingrained familial roles and expectations.

In other words, there is now a conscious effort to move beyond snap judgments and societal stereotypes, seeking the human being beneath the exterior. When conflicts arise – as they inevitably do in any relationship – those involved are better equipped to navigate them constructively with a greater capacity for understanding and repair, because they recognize their shared complexities.

It is through such authentic engagement, grounded in a clear sense of self, that we truly ‘feel alive’ in our connections with others, moving beyond the ‘social jungle’ into a space of more meaningful human interaction.

Without understanding yourself, what is the use of trying to understand the world?

Ramana Maharshi

5. Enriching one’s life

There’s a popular saying, often attributed to Albert Einstein (though its precise origin is debated), that resonates deeply when we consider the importance of realizing our nature:

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Indeed, our sense of self is profoundly shaped by how we understand our own intrinsic nature and how that nature is perceived or judged – both by ourselves and by the world around us. When individuals are primarily seen, or come to see themselves, through a lens that doesn’t match their inherent capabilities and inner landscape (like that fish perpetually assessed on its tree-climbing prowess), the almost inevitable result is a distorted self-image, diminished self-worth, and a life lived with a nagging sense of inadequacy, frustration, or simply feeling fundamentally “miscast.”

History offers glimpses of this. Those like Einstein himself, or Thomas Edison, are known for their unconventional ways of thinking and learning – aspects of their identity – that initially clashed with the rigid educational or societal systems of their time, leading to them being misunderstood or undervalued. Their eventual flourishing often coincided with finding or creating environments where their unique, innate abilities could finally be expressed and recognized. They found their “water,” so to speak.

At our core, most of us are engaged in a quiet, often unconscious, quest for happiness, contentment, and a life that feels genuinely worthwhile. Many of our actions, from the grand to the mundane, are, in some way, aimed at moving us closer to these states of inner well-being.

If we genuinely seek to enrich our lives – to move beyond mere existence into a state of joyful participation – then reflecting on our true self-identity becomes not a peripheral pursuit, but an absolutely essential one. It’s about discovering our inherent strengths, our unique qualities, and pinpointing what truly makes us feel alive and aligned.

How self-identity serves as the fountainhead of a more abundant life:

• A source of peace

The journey of self-discovery helps clarify our core values, true motivations, innate talents, and even our recurring emotional and behavioral patterns. When you know the “why” behind your feelings and actions, much of the inner turmoil born from confusion or self-judgment begins to dissipate, leading to greater inner peace and contentment. On the other hand, a clear and internally harmonious self-concept acts as a buffer against negativity and promotes a more optimistic and resilient outlook on life.

• A path to joy

When our choices and actions align with our inner truth, it results in a powerful source of deep-seated joy and inner harmony. The constant, draining friction of living in a way that feels “off” lessens, making space for a more resonant and satisfying life experience.

• Unlocking potential & redefining “success”

Connecting back to the fish example, when you understand your “element” – the environments, activities, and ways of being that align with your core identity – you naturally gravitate towards paths where you not only perform well but also experience genuine engagement, flow, and a sense of purpose. This is where true enrichment lies. “Success,” in this light, is less about conventional material accumulation or external accolades, and far more about personal fulfillment, a sense of contribution, and spiritual well-being.

Example: Someone who realizes through self-reflection that their core identity thrives on nurturing and guiding others might find profound happiness in roles like teaching, coaching, mentoring, or community care, regardless of the external prestige attached.

Another individual, whose identity is deeply interwoven with intellectual curiosity and problem-solving, discovers a rich and joyful life through continuous learning and tackling complex challenges, perhaps in unconventional fields.

6. The foundation for transformation & transcendence

It is not the accumulation of extraneous knowledge, but the realization of the self within, that constitutes true progress.

Okakura Kakuzo

Image credit: Studio Ghibli

Do you recognize the enigmatic figure of No-Face (Kaonashi) from Studio Ghibli’s animated masterpiece, Spirited Away? His story offers a powerful illustration of the search for identity and the potential for change.

Initially, Kaonashi is a silent, shadowy being, seemingly without a distinct identity of his own. When he enters the spirit world, he discovers that he can gain attention and apparent acceptance by producing gold. However, this path leads him to become increasingly monstrous, consuming others and absorbing their negative traits – their greed, their voices, their superficial desires. Without a stable inner core, he becomes a distorted mirror of his environment’s dysfunctions, his shape and behavior alarmingly fluid and reactive.

Yet, Kaonashi’s story doesn’t end there. The turning point comes through his interaction with Chihiro, the anime’s protagonist. Her genuine kindness, her refusal to be swayed by his material offerings, and her simple acceptance of him, even in his monstrous state, offer a different kind of reflection – one not based on greed or fear.

This marks the beginning of Kaonashi’s transformation. Eventually, he finds a measure of peace and contentment in a simpler existence with the witch Zeniba.

Image credit: Studio Ghibli

Kaonashi’s story, I believe, is a potent allegory for the human search for identity: without a robust core self, we are highly susceptible to external influences, societal pressures, and the hollowness of chasing validation. Yet, it also beautifully hints at our innate potential for transformation when we are touched by authenticity and begin the work of cultivating our own.

In today’s world, the emphasis is, unfortunately, so heavily skewed towards external markers of success – career achievements, material wealth, social status – that the crucial, often quieter, work of inner self-understanding is completely overshadowed. When personal development is pursued primarily as a means to external ends, without a foundation, many find themselves chasing goals that don’t align with their deepest nature. The result? A subtle, pervasive sense of “facelessness” – a feeling of being adrift despite apparent success, unfulfilled even amidst accomplishments, or constantly wearing a mask that doesn’t quite fit. Such a state may manifest as burnout, chronic dissatisfaction, an existential vacuum, or a susceptibility to adopting fleeting personas in a desperate search for something real.

A clearly understood self-identity, however, is not a static achievement to be displayed. Instead, it serves as a dynamic and essential launchpad for more profound levels of human experience:

• Genuine transformation (beyond mere coping)

True personal transformation isn’t just about changing habits or coping more effectively with stress. It involves a fundamental, often lasting, shift in our perspective, our character, and our very way of being in the world. It’s an evolution of the self at a deep level.

Knowing your core identity – your deeply held values, beliefs, ingrained emotional and behavioral patterns (both helpful and hindering), and your most heartfelt aspirations – provides the foundation needed to consciously engage in this transformative work. It allows you to realize what parts of you may need healing or integration (e.g. a deep-seated fear of intimacy), what latent potentials need cultivating (e.g. a long-dormant passion for art), and what path you must forge towards becoming a more whole and integrated version of yourself.

• The path to self-actualization

Humanistic psychology, particularly through thinkers like Abraham Maslow, introduced the concept of self-actualization – which refers to the intrinsic human drive to realize one’s fullest unique potential, to become everything one is capable of being.

A clear and evolving self-identity acts as the indispensable compass on this journey. It helps illuminate what those unique potentials are for you. Without knowing who you are at your core – your distinct talents, passions, and way of seeing the world – the quest to ‘actualize’ that self remains an abstract ideal, unguided and often out of reach.

• Opening to self-transcendence

Beyond even self-actualization, a robust self-identity serves as the gateway to self-transcendence. This involves experiences or states of consciousness where we move beyond a narrow focus on our individual ego or personal story to feel deeply connected to something larger – be it humanity as a whole, the natural world, universal principles of love and compassion, or what one might perceive as a spiritual dimension.

Does that sound a little counterintuitive? As paradoxical as it may seem, a well-integrated and secure sense of self is actually the firmest launching pad for such experiences.

When the ego is not fragile, constantly seeking validation, or terrified of losing its perceived boundaries (because identity is relatively stable and authentic), it is more ready to ‘let go’ and expand into these larger connections without the fear of annihilation or fragmentation. This isn’t about losing a self you never truly knew, but about a mature, grounded self finding its place and connection within a vaster context.

Have you ever been through moments of profound awe in nature, a deep altruistic love that moves one to selfless service, peak experiences of creative flow where the sense of a separate self dissolves, or the sense of unity and interconnectedness often described in various contemplative and meditative practices?

I believe that most of us have, at least once in life. Just recall them, and you should be able to understand.

These moments of self-transcendence are not just fleeting curiosities; they can be profoundly meaningful, bringing with them a sense of expansive joy, deep inner peace, and a powerful feeling of connection that enriches our self-understanding and interconnection with the larger current of life. They offer a glimpse beyond our everyday worries and limitations.

…

The journey into self-identity, as we’ve begun to see, is therefore far more than a mere intellectual pastime or a dive into abstract philosophy; it is an exploration central to the human experience. Embracing the quest to know ourselves is fundamental to living more purposefully and harmoniously.

When to Think About Self-identity

The journey of understanding oneself is, in many ways, a quiet hum beneath the surface of our daily lives – a lifelong practice that can enrich any moment we choose to engage with it. There’s never truly a ‘wrong’ time to turn our attention inward and ponder the question of who we are.

However, life has a way of presenting certain periods, distinct internal experiences, or significant external events that act as powerful catalysts. These moments may nudge us, sometimes gently, sometimes quite forcefully, towards a more focused and intentional way of living.

Internal signals

Often, the first prompts to explore our identity come from subtle (or not-so-subtle) shifts within our own inner landscape. These are the feelings, thoughts, and recurring patterns that suggest a need to reconnect with, or perhaps redefine, who we are:

• A persistent sense of being lost, adrift, or disconnected from yourself; a feeling that you don’t truly know who you are at your core, or that the ‘you’ you present to the world isn’t the ‘you’ within.
• Finding yourself questioning long-held beliefs, values, or life philosophies, accompanied by an unsettling uncertainty about what new principles might replace them.
• A growing, nagging feeling that your daily life, your work, or your actions lack authenticity or no longer align with what’s “in here”; experiencing a persistent disconnect between who you feel you are (or aspire to be) and the way you are currently living.
• Struggling to define your place or role in key areas of life – be it in your relationships, your career, or your broader community; feeling unsure of where you truly fit in or what your unique contribution might be.
• Finding yourself engaging in a deep re-evaluation of past choices and your future direction.
• Experiencing chronic indecisiveness, especially about significant life choices, which typically stems from a lack of clarity about your personal priorities, core values, and deepest desires.
• Frequently feeling like an imposter, as if you’re wearing a mask or merely performing a role for others.
• An uncomfortable, lingering sense of inner emptiness, restlessness, or a vague yet persistent feeling that “something is missing,” even when your external circumstances might appear objectively fine or successful.
• Noticing a pattern of seeking excessive external validation or being overly sensitive to criticism, which may indicate an unstable internal sense of self-worth that relies too heavily on outside approval.
• A nagging feeling of being “stuck,” stagnant, or unfulfilled, often coupled with a clear desire for growth or change but a frustrating uncertainty about the path forward.
• A yearning for deeper meaning, a more profound sense of purpose, or a desire to make a more significant contribution to the world.

These cues are like messages from your inner self, gently (or insistently) inviting you to pause and look more closely.

Self-identity: Who am I?

External triggers

Beyond the above-mentioned internal stirrings, life itself presents numerous junctures – natural developmental stages, significant events, or shifts in our external world – that often serve as powerful prompts for identity exploration:

• Adolescence & young adulthood: This formative period is almost defined by the quest for identity, as individuals grapple with “Who am I?” and “Where am I going?” amidst crucial decisions about education, career paths, values, and forming independent relationships.
• Major career shifts: Whether starting a new career, receiving a significant promotion (or demotion), experiencing job loss, or transitioning into retirement, our professional lives are often deeply entwined with our identity, and changes here are very likely to trigger re-evaluation.
• Significant relationship changes: The beginning or end of a serious romantic relationship, marriage, divorce, becoming a parent, or children leaving home (the “empty nest” phase) all redefine our roles, our connections, and consequently, our perceptions of self.
• Relocation: Moving to a new city, region, or even a different country strips away familiar social supports and cultural contexts, often necessitating a re-examination of who we are without those accustomed backdrops.
• Major achievements or setbacks: Paradoxically, both significant successes (which might lead to a surprising “Is this all there is?” feeling) and notable failures are capable of triggering deep questions about our identity, values, and the true meaning of our life path.
• Loss and bereavement: The death of a close loved one inevitably shakes our world, often calling for reflection on our own life, values, and stance in the face of mortality.
• Health crises or significant illnesses: Confronting physical limitations or the fragility of life frequently leads to a re-evaluation of priorities and a deeper search for meaning and self beyond physical capabilities.
• Midlife transitions: Commonly experienced between the ages of (roughly) 40 and 60, this period typically involves individuals reassessing their lives, accomplishments, and future goals, asking “Is the life I’ve built truly reflective of who I am or want to be for the next chapter?”
• Exposure to new, diverse perspectives: Encountering different cultures, challenging ideas, or alternative lifestyles (through travel, education, new friendships, or even compelling books and media) may cause some of us to re-evaluate our own ingrained assumptions and culturally conditioned aspects of our identity.
• Broad societal shifts or crises: Major global or national events – such as pandemics, significant economic recessions, profound social justice movements, or rapid technological changes (as we’re seeing these days) – can disrupt our sense of normalcy and encourage a collective and individual reconsideration of our place, our values, and our identity within a rapidly changing world.

These moments, whether quiet internal nudges or significant external shifts, are more than just life events; they are potent invitations to engage more deeply with our inner world. Recognizing when these calls for self-reflection arise naturally leads us to the next essential step: exploring more fully what this ‘self-identity’ truly encompasses.

Defining Self-identity: Components, Theories & Frameworks

You’re likely pondering, as many have before:

• What truly determines our self-identity?
• What are the core components that define who we are?
• How is our sense of self built and structured?

These questions, while seemingly direct, have no simple, single answer. Indeed, the enigma of identity has captivated thinkers and seekers across various fields for centuries.

Philosophical inquiry

For millennia, philosophy has been the primary arena where humanity has wrestled with the deepest questions about what it truly means to be a self, to exist as a distinct “I” in this vast universe.

One of the most enduring puzzles philosophers explore is personal identity over time: what makes you, the person reading this, the same individual who existed yesterday, or as a child in an old photograph, despite all the changes you’ve undergone?

Early on, thinkers proposed several core ideas about this enduring “you”:

• The Soul view (also referred to as the “Simple view”): Many ancient thinkers, like Plato and Socrates, and later philosophers like René Descartes (with his famous “I think, therefore I am”), suggested that our true essence lies in an immaterial soul or a persistent thinking mind – a core that remains constant even as the body changes.
• The Bodily view: Others have tied identity more closely to our physical being – specifically, the continuity of our body, or perhaps primarily our brain.
• The Psychological view: Philosophers like John Locke argued that identity is found in psychological continuity – an unbroken chain of consciousness and memory. You are “you” because you remember being you in the past.

These foundational ideas, each with their own complexities and challenges (e.g. what happens if memories are lost, or if consciousness could theoretically be duplicated?), open up a wider philosophical dialogue about the self.

◆ The nature of our perceived Self: Fixed core or flowing river?

Do we have a stable, unchanging core, or is the “self” more like a constantly shifting current?

Is the self something to be found, or something that is always in process, always being redefined by experience?

While the idea of psychological continuity, as championed by Locke, gives us a strong sense of a continuous self through our linked memories and awareness, other thinkers have pushed further. For instance, Immanuel Kant argued that for us to even experience our lives coherently as our own, there must be an underlying “unity of consciousness“. He wasn’t necessarily saying what this self is made of, but that our mind actively structures our perceptions to create a unified experience of being an “I” through all the flux of sensations and thoughts.

In contrast, philosophers like David Hume looked inward and declared he could find no such single, stable self – only a fleeting “bundle of perceptions,” a continuous parade of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. From his viewpoint, the “I” we feel so sure of might be more of a useful illusion, a story we tell ourselves, rather than a fixed entity.

From an Eastern perspective, Lao Tzu claimed that the true self is found not in a rigid, ego-defined identity, but in harmony with the Tao – the natural, flowing Way of the universe. For this, one needs to let go of fixed notions of “me” and instead embrace simplicity and spontaneity, aligning with this cosmic current.

More recently, philosopher Derek Parfit argued for a “reductionist” view, suggesting that what truly matters for our ongoing existence are varying degrees of psychological connection to past and future selves, rather than a deep, indivisible, all-or-nothing “identity.”

◆ The Self we actively shape: Identity through creation, choice, and connection

Regardless of whether there’s a fixed core or constant flux, various thinkers emphasize our active role in shaping who we become, often through our choices and relationships.

• Self-creation and becoming
  • Friedrich Nietzsche urged individuals to “become what you are.” For him, identity isn’t about passively discovering a pre-packaged self, but an active, often challenging, process of self-creation and self-overcoming. It involves questioning societal norms, forging one’s own values, and embracing the fullness of life to realize one’s unique potential.
  • Existentialist philosophers took this idea of self-creation even further. Jean-Paul Sartre argued that “existence precedes essence” – meaning we are born into the world without a predetermined purpose or identity. We simply exist, and then, through our choices and actions, we define who we are. Self-identity, for Sartre, is a continuous project of self-making, carrying with it immense freedom and profound responsibility.
  • Albert Camus, similarly, explored how we can forge meaning and define ourselves through a conscious “revolt” against a seemingly absurd or meaningless universe, by embracing all life has to offer and the dignity of our personal struggle.
• The Relational Self
  • Certain schools of thought highlight that “who I am” is deeply formed by “who I am WITH.” In ancient China, Confucius taught that the self is not an isolated entity but is cultivated and realized through our social roles, responsibilities, and the quality of our harmonious relationships with family, community, and society.
  • Martin Buber shared the same perspective in his concept of the “I-Thou” relationship. He believed that our “I” truly comes into being and finds its authentic expression not by treating others as objects (“I-It”) for our own purposes, but through genuine, mutual, and present encounters with another “Thou.” Our identity is awakened and deepened in the space of authentic connection.
  • Hegel suggested that our identity is partly shaped by our understanding of what we are NOT, through our dynamic relationship with “otherness” or “non-identity.” We define ourselves, in part, by distinguishing ourselves from the world and others around us. Without this “non-identity,” the notion of “identity” itself would become empty and meaningless, as there would be nothing from which to distinguish it. At the same time, Hegel also argued that things are inherently self-contradictory and constantly changing. For instance, a seed is a seed, but it also contains within it the potential to become a plant; in a sense, it is both “seed” and “not-seed” (plant) simultaneously in its potentiality and process of becoming.

As you may see, this brief journey through diverse philosophical landscapes might initially seem to offer more questions than answers about self-identity. And perhaps that is philosophy’s greatest gift to one’s self-discovery journey.

It doesn’t hand us a neat definition but instead equips us with critical thinking tools to assess our own assumptions about who we are. It challenges us to look beyond superficial appearances and societal pronouncements.

Engaging with these ideas and reflecting on how they resonate with our own experience provide a powerful way to live a more conscious, examined, and ultimately, self-aware life.

Religious and spiritual traditions

Beyond philosophy, humanity’s diverse religious and spiritual traditions offer another set of lenses through which to explore the nature of self-identity. These ancient paths, often rooted in sacred narratives, personal faith, mystical experiences, and communal practices, provide rich frameworks for realizing who we are in relation to the divine, the cosmos, and our deepest human purpose.

◆ Unveiling your essential nature: Soul, spirit, and innate potential

Many spiritual traditions point towards a deeper, often enduring or divine, core of our being – an essential self that lies beneath the surface of our everyday personality.

• In the Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), there’s a shared belief in the existence of an inner essence, often termed the “soul”. It is generally considered the seat of our consciousness, moral awareness, and is widely held to endure beyond physical life. Our identity, from this perspective, is intrinsically linked to this soul, our connection to God, and the idea of being created in a divine “image,” suggesting an inherent worth and spiritual potential.
• Hinduism proposes the concept of Atman – often translated as the individual soul, the true Self, or the innermost essence of a living being, distinct from the fleeting ego. A central quest is to understand the Atman’s relationship to Brahman, the ultimate, all-pervading Reality or Universal Consciousness. Some schools teach the ultimate identity of Atman and Brahman (“You are That”), implying our truest Self is one with the Absolute.
• Across various spiritual insights, there’s often a sense of an innate pure potential or “divine spark” within each person – something intrinsically good, wise, or capable of awakening, waiting to be uncovered and realized.

◆ Seeing through illusions: The Self as process and the path to freedom

Contrasting with views of an eternal soul, some traditions invite us to see through the illusion of a fixed, independent self as a direct path to liberation. For example, Buddhism is known for its teaching of Anatta (no-self or non-essential self). This doesn’t mean we don’t exist, but rather that there’s no permanent, unchanging, independent “I” or soul at our core. What we conventionally call our “self” is understood as a dynamic, ever-changing process, a temporary coming-together of five “aggregates”: our physical form, feelings, perceptions, mental formations (like thoughts and intentions), and consciousness. This “self” is characterized by impermanence and interdependence.

The deep insight into anatta is not a denial of our lived experience but a way to free ourselves from suffering, which arises from clinging to the idea of a solid, separate, and permanent ego. While we DO use a “conventional identity” (our name, roles) to navigate the world, wisdom lies in recognizing its constructed and transient nature.

◆ Identity in communion: The Self defined by connection

Many spiritual worldviews emphasize that self-identity isn’t found in isolation but is realized and finds its meaning through our connections – to the Divine, to our community, to nature, and to all of existence.

• In Abrahamic faiths, identity is typically shaped by one’s covenant and relationship with God, and also by belonging to a community of faith that shares rituals, values, and a sacred history.
• Many Indigenous spiritual perspectives promote a sense of self interwoven with family, community, ancestors, the natural environment, and the spirit world. Here, identity is less about solitary autonomy and more about one’s place, role, and responsibilities within this vast web of relationships.
• In Hinduism, the concept of dharma (one’s righteous duty, ethical path, or intrinsic role) shapes the individual’s place within the cosmic and social order, guiding the Atman’s journey.
• The mystical currents within many religions (like Sufism in Islam, Christian mysticism, Kabbalah in Judaism, and various Yogic paths) often describe the spiritual journey as a quest for union – a merging of the individual self with the Divine or Universal Consciousness, transcending the illusion of separateness. For this purpose, direct experience is key – and practices such as meditation, contemplative prayer, deep introspection, and ethical cultivation may come in handy.

Who am I? Not the body, because it is decaying; not the mind, because the brain will decay with the body; not the personality, nor the emotions, for these also will vanish with death.

Ramana Maharshi

While the specific beliefs, languages, and practices of religious and spiritual traditions vary immensely, they share a universal thread: a recognition of the importance of realizing the nature of the self. More than just definitions of identity, they provide time-honored pathways and supportive communities that guide individuals not only to understand who they are – but also to TRANSFORM or TRANSCEND limited, ego-bound notions of self.

In doing so, they help us align with a deeper sense of spiritual purpose, meaning, and our connection to a reality far vaster than our individual experience.

Psychological science

Unlike philosophy and spiritual traditions, psychology offers an empirical lens on self-identity, aiming at its structure, development, and how it functions in our daily lives. Rather than focusing on what makes us the same enduring entity across decades (numerical identity), psychology typically explores our qualitative identity: the rich and evolving content of our self-concept, personality, and social place. It asks:

What key characteristics, roles, beliefs, relationships, and group memberships (as we’ll see below) make up our perceived sense of ‘who I am’ right now, and how do these elements interact to shape our experience?

From a psychological viewpoint, our sense of self isn’t a single, monolithic entity but is understood to be comprised of various intersecting aspects that together contribute to our overall identity.

• Personal characteristics: Our enduring personality traits (like introversion or conscientiousness), unique abilities, and learned skills.
• Social & demographic categories: Our age, gender identity, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race, nationality, and cultural background.
• Roles & relationships: The parts we play in our families, friendships, professional lives, and communities.
• Beliefs & values: Our guiding principles, moral frameworks, spiritual or philosophical outlooks.
• Interests & lifestyle: Our passions, hobbies, and how we choose to live.
• Socioeconomic status: Our social class and economic standing, which can influence opportunities and self-perception.

Over the years, various frameworks have been proposed to shed light on how these facets come together.

◆ The inner world: From unconscious stirrings to authentic expression

Psychologists have long been fascinated by the layers of the self, including those that lie beneath our immediate awareness, and our innate drive towards feeling real and authentic.

• Early psychoanalytic thought, pioneered by Sigmund Freud, while not using our modern term “self-identity,” laid crucial groundwork by highlighting the influence of the unconscious mind and early experiences in shaping our inner self and personality, often through internal conflicts that we continue to navigate.
• Carl Jung expanded this exploration with concepts like the Persona (our social mask) and the Shadow (our repressed or disowned aspects). He saw the journey of individuation as a lifelong process of integrating these varied parts to become a more whole, unique, and authentic Self – the regulating center of our psyche striving for wholeness (which is sometimes referred to as the “inner God”).
• Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott proposed the need to distinguish between the True Self and the False Self. The former, he suggested, emerges from our spontaneous, genuine experiences and our innate sense of aliveness. The latter develops as an adaptive (and sometimes overly rigid) shield, a way to comply with external demands, which may, in some cases, lead to a painful disconnect from our core sense of reality and authenticity. The quest for identity, from his view, involves nurturing and allowing more space for that True Self to express itself.

◆ The journey of becoming: How identity develops and takes shape

Various psychological studies have demonstrated that our sense of self isn’t static; rather, it constantly evolves, particularly through distinct life stages and processes.

• Erik Erikson’s model of psychosocial development highlights Identity vs. Role Confusion as a critical stage, especially during adolescence. This is a period of intense exploration where individuals grapple with “Who am I?” by trying out different values, beliefs, and roles to forge a cohesive and stable sense of self that integrates personal characteristics with social and cultural realities.
• Building on this, James Marcia described different identity statuses (like identity achievement or moratorium), illustrating the varied paths individuals take in exploring possibilities and making commitments. As such, identity formation is an active, not always linear, process.

◆ The conscious “I”: Our perceptions, aspirations, and the drive to grow

Beyond developmental stages, psychology also examines how our conscious experience, self-perception, and inherent desire for growth contribute to our identity.

• William James distinguished between the “I” – the active, experiencing subject, the sense of being a conscious agent – and the “Me” – the self as it can be known and reflected upon, comprising our material, social, and spiritual aspects. His theory highlights both our awareness and the content of that awareness in forming our identity.
• Humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasized the self-concept (our organized perceptions and beliefs about ourselves) and the importance of congruence. When our ideal self (who we’d like to be), our perceived self (how we see ourselves), and our actual experiences align, we experience greater authenticity and psychological well-being.
• Abraham Maslow, with his Hierarchy of Needs, viewed self-actualization as our highest drive: the ongoing unfolding of our unique potentials. This journey is deeply tied to knowing and living from an authentic self-identity, as it requires us to understand our genuine capacities and inner callings.

◆ The Self in its worlds: Social connections and life’s interacting domains

Psychology also underscores that identity is significantly shaped by our social context and can be understood as structured across different life areas. The Social Identity Theory, developed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner, illuminates how our membership in various social groups (based on nationality, profession, shared interests, etc.) becomes a fundamental part of “who I am.” It explores the psychological processes by which we categorize ourselves and others into “in-groups” and “out-groups,” and how this social identification influences our self-esteem, attitudes, and behaviors. In other words, it is about the mechanisms by which “we-ness” shapes our individual sense of self.

Social Identity Theory by Henry Tajfel, 1979 (source: ResearchGate)

To further understand how various life aspects contribute to one’s identity, several frameworks have been proposed. For instance, Hilarion Petzold’s model views identity as resting on several key interacting life “pillars” – including one’s physical and mental well-being, social network and roles, work and achievements, material context, and guiding values and beliefs. These domains all contribute to our comprehensive sense of who we are.

Self-identity hierarchical framework (Shavelson, Hubner, & Stanton; source: ResearchGate)

So far, what psychological science reveals with increasing clarity is that our self-identity is an incredibly complex construct. It is continuously shaped by an ongoing interplay of the inner world – our thoughts, emotions, memories, and even our biology – and the outer world, including our social interactions, cultural upbringing, and major life experiences. While the self is intricate, it is also, to a significant degree, knowable and capable of growth.

Contemporary academic lenses

Our exploration of how identity is defined wouldn’t be quite complete without considering the perspectives emerging from fields like sociology and cultural studies. Various modern theories encourage us to see our self-identity not just as an internal psychological construct, but as something dynamically shaped by, and in turn shaping, the world around us (i.e. our broader social and cultural contexts). Specifically, many aspects of who we believe we are – from certain personal characteristics to the roles we inhabit – are influenced by the cultural “blueprints” we are born into.

Examples:

• In many societies, the ‘blueprint’ for success might heavily emphasize certain professions like medicine or law, subtly guiding young people towards these paths, sometimes irrespective of their innate passions.
• Similarly, cultural norms – like whether it’s ‘acceptable’ for men to show vulnerability or for women to express anger – can deeply influence which emotions we acknowledge as part of our identity and which we learn to hide, even from ourselves.

Furthermore, much contemporary academic thought suggests that we might embody different facets of ourselves in different contexts – and that our understanding of who we are is open to ongoing reinterpretation and redefinition throughout our lives.

What does it mean?

• You might have observed this in your own life: perhaps a more assertive, professional facet of you emerges at work, while a more playful, relaxed facet appears with close friends. These aren’t necessarily contradictions or inauthentic masks, but rather valid expressions of a complex self adapting and responding to changing situations.
• An identity largely defined by, say, a specific career in one phase of life can definitely be redefined later. Think of someone who, for decades, identified primarily as a ‘corporate manager.’ Later in life, perhaps through discovering a passion for pottery (a ‘new passion’), becoming a grandparent (a ‘new role’), or gaining profound perspective from overcoming an illness (a ‘new insight’), their primary sense of self might authentically shift to ‘artist,’ ‘nurturing elder,’ or ‘advocate for mindful living.’

By adopting such a fluid view, we are free from the pressure of having to find or adhere to one single “true self”, and instead encouraged to embrace humanity’s complexity and capacity for growth.

The Nature of Self-identity: Exploring Its Characteristics

The quest to understand who we are, as we have explored previously, certainly admits many approaches. Empirical avenues, drawing from psychology, neuroscience, and sociology, offer valuable data, illuminating observable patterns, cognitive mechanisms, and the societal currents that shape us. Simultaneously, subjective pathways, typically walked by philosophers, spiritual seekers, and indeed anyone engaged in deep self-reflection, invite us into the inner landscape of consciousness, personal meaning, and the immediate, felt sense of being.

While both these lenses present crucial insights, our focus here will be more on the subjective character of self-identity. My own conviction, guiding this choice, is that for the deep work of self-discovery and fostering genuine personal transformation, an accumulation of external facts or theories, while helpful, can only take us so far.

There’s an old piece of wisdom that says, ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.’ True, lasting changes often spring from that internal ‘drinking’ – the direct, personal engagement with, and felt realization of, the nature of our own self.

With this spirit, let us now consider some of the self’s key characteristics, shall we?

1. Multifaceted

Do you ever feel like you’re more than just one single, consistent “you”? Like, there are different versions of yourself that emerge in different situations, or even coexist within you simultaneously?

This sense of inner multiplicity is a common human experience (I’m telling you, this is what I feel about myself – and it has baffled me from time to time), and it points to a fundamental characteristic of our self-identity: its multifaceted nature.

In the anime Yu-Gi-Oh! (one of my favorites), the main character, Yugi Mutou, shares his body and consciousness with the spirit of an ancient Pharaoh, Atem. Yugi is depicted as timid and kind, while Atem is remarkably confident, strategic, and imbued with a powerful sense of justice.

Even though the story depicts them as two separate entities, many people have pointed out that the relationship between Yugi and Atem can be interpreted metaphorically. Specifically, they represent two potent, sometimes contrasting, aspects or ‘faces’ of a single individual. They are like:

• Two sides of the same coin: Distinctive, yet complementary facets that form a more complete core being.
• Manifestations of a persona: Different aspects emerging in response to varying circumstances or our own developmental needs – one representing hidden potential, the other perhaps growing empathy.
• A collaborative whole: The two are interdependent – they learn from each other, compensate for initial limitations, and together contribute to a more effective and integrated self.

Image credit: Toei Animation

This notion of holding multiple aspects within a single being isn’t just the stuff of fantasy; indeed, studies have demonstrated that it is an undeniable part of many people’s sense of self.

From a subjective viewpoint, our self-identity rarely feels like a monolithic block, unchanging and simple. Instead, it’s more like a rich composition – formed from our various roles (as a parent, a professional, a friend, a student), passions (the artist, the activist, the quiet observer within us), relationships, treasury of memories, evolving beliefs and values, and so on.

Identity is never singular but is multiply constructed across intersecting and antagonistic discourses, practices and positions.

Stuart Hall

◆ Many facets, one lived experience?

As mentioned previously, philosophers and scientists have long debated the ultimate nature and existence of a singular, unified ‘Self.’ Some theories point to an enduring core entity; others describe a bundle of processes; and some even question the existence of any fixed metaphysical self at all.

For our self-discovery journey, perhaps a more immediate and resonant question isn’t whether a single, ultimate ‘Self’ with a capital ‘S’ exists in one particular metaphysical sense, but rather: How do we experience and integrate our undeniably real and impactful sense of having multiple facets, roles, and even seemingly different ‘selves’ within us?

When I was doing research on the topic, I came across an interesting online discussion that I would like to share here:

What defines self-identity (source: Reddit)

As you may see, different frameworks describe the ‘self’ in ways that seem contradictory – one might speak of a ‘narrative center,’ another might define a person as a ‘four-dimensional spacetime entity,’ while another might deny any ‘metaphysical unity.’ Yet, as the discussant pointed out, these descriptions aren’t necessarily incompatible. They might simply be highlighting different aspects or levels of analysis of our complex being, much like describing a mountain from its base, its peak, or its geological composition offers different, yet all valid, facets of the same mountain.

Just reflect on your own life: you might embody a playful, spontaneous self with your children, a focused and analytical self in your professional work, and a quiet, reflective self in moments of solitude. These aren’t necessarily separate “people”, but different valid facets of your identity that come to the fore, each with its own way of feeling, behaving, and relating to the world.

◆ Navigating our many (sometimes conflicting) sides

Now, I’m not quite sure if this applies to you, but I myself can relate strongly to this internal experience of multiplicity. Many times, I find myself:

• Thinking or feeling things that seem contradictory at the same time.
• Behaving quite differently depending on who I’m with or what a situation demands (for instance, being an assertive manager at work but a more reserved listener in a new social group).
• Having an ‘inner critic’ voice that seems to be in constant debate with an ‘inner encourager’ or a more compassionate self.

How about you?

Have you ever been through a situation in which your deeply held values came into conflict with each other? When life presented you with difficult choices, and picking whichever would mean honoring one cherished value at the cost of another? (e.g. the tension between a desire for personal freedom and adventure – which is one facet of self – and the longing for deep, committed relationships and stability – which is another facet)

When our personal values pull us in varying directions, some may question if it is a sign of a flawed or incoherent identity. However, I myself believe that it is a direct manifestation of our multifaceted richness.

Realizing that these tensions arise from the diverse and valid parts of who we are will enable us to approach difficult choices with more self-compassion, curiosity, and thoughtful deliberation, rather than self-criticism or a feeling of being fundamentally ‘wrong.’

◆ The beauty of imperfection

Part of recognizing this characteristic of the self is to embrace the idea that not all of our facets will be ‘perfect’ or universally admired by ourselves or others. Just as a rose, often celebrated for its beauty and fragrance, also possesses thorns, our identity encompasses a whole spectrum of qualities.

It includes our strengths and vulnerabilities, the aspects that shine brightly (our ‘light’) and those that we might prefer to keep hidden (our ‘shadow,’ as Carl Jung termed it).

It includes moments of expansive kindness – as well as flashes of impatience or frustration.

A truly integrated identity comes not from striving to be one-dimensionally ‘good’ or ‘ideal,’ but from acknowledging and working with the full, complex, and sometimes seemingly contradictory collection of who we are.

2. Experiential & ineffable

I remember once coming across the following story, when I was still a teenager:

The disciples were absorbed in a discussion of Lao-Tzu’s dictum: ‘Those who know, do not say; Those who say, do not know.’

When the master entered, they asked him what the words meant.

Said the master, ‘Which of you knows the fragrance of a rose?’

All of them indicated that they knew.

Then he said, ‘Put it into words.’

All of them were silent.

Anthony De Mello, ‘One Minute Wisdom’

I didn’t quite get it at that time, but now, it makes more sense to me (even though I still have trouble grasping its full message). As you may see, the parable speaks to the limits of language when it comes to conveying direct, lived experience – a theme absolutely central to understanding the often ineffable aspect of our own self-identity.

Just as the rose’s unique fragrance is directly known yet defies complete verbal capture, there seems to be a core sense of our “self” – a fundamental awareness, an “I-ness” – that is intimately experienced but cannot be fully encapsulated by our external descriptions, the roles we play, or even the detailed narratives we construct about our lives. As demonstrated by certain philosophical and spiritual ideas, there is a pure subject of experience – a fundamental ground of being that underlies all our changing characteristics, a knowing that is pre-verbal.

We tend to build much of our conscious, communicable knowledge of identity through the stories we tell about our lives and the labels we (and others). For example:

“I am a parent.”

“I am an artist.”

“I am resilient.”

While these narratives are vital for making sense of our journey and connecting with others, they don’t encompass the totality of our being. A holistic understanding of “who I am” does not arise solely from analytical thought or meticulous introspection that aims for a perfect verbal definition.

Think of it this way: you could write a detailed autobiography, listing every significant event, role, and relationship. Yet, the lived texture of those experiences – the subtle cascade of emotions, the particular quality of your consciousness in different moments, the sheer, unadorned feeling of having been that person in those moments – is far richer, more nuanced, and more alive than any description can fully convey.

You might read a lot of books on personality theory, fill out numerous self-assessment questionnaires, or spend hours in intellectual reflection about your traits. These are, indeed, valuable exercises. Yet, they won’t help without those moments of genuine self-realization – those intuitive flashes of the mind, often feeling like a direct ‘seeing’ or an immediate ‘experiencing’ that goes beyond conceptual frameworks.

It’s akin to the difference between studying a detailed map of a forest (conceptual knowledge) and actually walking its shaded paths, breathing its unique air, and feeling the earth beneath your feet (direct experience).

To better internalize this characteristic of the self, let us reflect on the following analogy by the late Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh:

If there is a person who has never eaten a tangerine or a durian fruit, however many images or metaphors you give him, you cannot describe to him the reality of those fruits. You can only do one thing: give him a direct experience. You cannot say: “Well, the durian is a little bit like the jackfruit or like a papaya.” You cannot say anything that will describe the experience of a durian fruit. The durian fruit goes beyond all ideas and notions.

The same is true of a tangerine. If you have never eaten a tangerine, however much the other person loves you and wants to help you understand what a tangerine tastes like, they will never succeed by describing it. The reality of the tangerine goes beyond ideas.

Just as the true taste of a fruit may only be known through the act of eating it, the essential nature of your self-identity, in its deepest and most authentic sense, can only be truly known through the direct, lived experience of being you.

While we can (and should) try to articulate aspects of our identity, the core “who” of who we are is not a static list of attributes or a concept to be definitively pinned down with words alone, like a butterfly specimen in a display case. It is, in large part, a dynamic, unfolding experience – something to be lived, felt, and reflected upon with a sense of openness, wonder, and acceptance, not just analyzed once and for all.

It’s an ongoing exploration through the very acts of living, feeling, and simply being.

Something that can be seen, yet cannot be seen.

Yugi Mutou, ‘Yugioh’

3. Impermanent

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

Heraclitus

I assume that many of you are familiar with this saying, which introduces a fundamental characteristic of self-identity: it is not a static monument, but a flowing current.

The multifaceted, felt self we’ve been exploring is constantly being shaped and reshaped by our ongoing experiences, personal growth, learning, the new insights we gather, and the ever-shifting circumstances of our lives.

Just think about your own life. Consider the ‘you’ before and after a significant loss, a moment of heartfelt joy, or a life-altering decision that set you on an entirely new path. While a thread of continuity undoubtedly connects these different versions of yourself, the inner landscape – your perspectives, feelings, perhaps even some core beliefs – can be deeply altered. In other words, we change.

Many of us, at different times, ponder whether the ‘me’ of the past, the ‘me’ of this present moment, and the ‘me’ we imagine in the future are truly, entirely the same person. While philosophers have long debated the precise nature of personal persistence, from the standpoint of our direct, lived experience, a truly valuable shift occurs when we begin to deeply acknowledge and even embrace the inherently impermanent nature of our perceived identity.

This awareness isn’t about denying the continuity we feel or the threads that connect our life’s chapters. Rather, it’s about recognizing that our identity – the collection of our roles, beliefs, memories, and self-perceptions, quite distinct from any unchanging essential ‘Self’ that some spiritual traditions posit – is more like an evolving narrative than a static script etched in stone. It’s a dynamic sum of our memories, the imprint of our relationships, the influence of our culture, and the unique, ever-unfolding way we journey through the world.

Examples of how self-identity is subject to fluctuation:

• A major career change doesn’t just alter your routine; it is capable of reshaping your sense of competence, purpose, and social standing. For instance, an engineer who transitions to becoming a full-time artist may find their entire social circle, self-perception of creativity, and even their daily rhythm fundamentally transformed.
• Moving to a new culture can fundamentally alter your view of social norms and even deeply held aspects of your own cultural identity. Imagine, for example, someone from a highly individualistic Western society moving to a more collectivist culture like Japan; their understanding of ‘self’ might profoundly shift as they navigate new norms of group harmony, indirect communication, and interdependent identity.
• Recovering from a serious illness might imbue you with a new appreciation for life and a completely different set of priorities, leading you to feel like a whole new person. It might shift your primary life focus from relentless career ambition to cherishing relationships, simple joys, and mindful living.

I have a photograph of myself when I was a boy of sixteen. Is it a photograph of me? I am not really sure. Who is this boy in the photograph? Is it the same person as me or is it another person?

If that boy is the same as I am, why does he look so different? Is that boy still alive or has he died? He is not the same as I am and he is also not different.

[…]

The body of the boy in the photograph is not the same as my body, now that I am in my seventies. The feelings are different, and the perceptions are very different. It is just as if I am a completely different person from that boy, but if the boy in the photograph did not exist, then I would not exist either.

I am a continuation like the rain is the continuation of the cloud. When you look deeply into the photograph, you can see me already as an old man. You do not have to wait fifty-five years.

When the lemon tree is in flower, you may not see any fruit, but if you look deeply you can see that the fruit is already there. You just need one more condition to bring forth the lemons: time. Lemons are already there in the lemon tree.

Thich Nhat Hanh, ‘No Death, No Fear’

Image credit: Plum Village

At this point, some may wonder: if our experienced identity is constantly evolving, what then does it mean to be “authentic”?

Indeed, the idea of an impermanent self may feel unsettling if our notion of authenticity is tied to being a fixed, unchanging entity. However, perhaps it’s better to reframe it in a way that embraces life’s natural flux:

• Alignment with core principles, not fixed self-images

We can think of authenticity as living in accordance with enduring virtues like compassion, wisdom, integrity, and ethical conduct. These principles provide a moral compass even as our specific self-conceptions, roles, or circumstances change.

• Presence and congruence with current experience

In other words, it means being true to your felt experience in the present moment, without rigidly clinging to outdated self-images from the past or forcing yourself to fit future expectations that no longer resonate.

• Sincere intention in action

Authenticity can be found in acting from a place of genuine, wholesome intentions – motivated by a desire to contribute positively – rather than by ego-driven needs to maintain a specific, unchanging persona or to always be “right.”

At the end of the day, choosing to embrace the impermanent nature of the self is an incredibly liberating decision. It lessens our fear of change, anxiety about uncertainty, resistance to natural endings, and even our apprehension about mortality.

It fosters a deeper capacity to live fully in the present moment – and to welcome new experiences with an open heart, knowing that we, too, are part of life’s constant flow.

In Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, Treebeard, an ancient, sentient tree-like being, one of the oldest creatures in Middle-earth, speaks of himself as follows:

My name is growing all the time, and I’ve lived a very long, long time; so my name is like a story. Real names tell you the story of things they belong to.

Like Treebeard’s ever-growing name, our self-identity is an ever-expanding story. It changes, it evolves, it deepens with each new chapter, with every experience encountered and integrated. Yet, through all its transformations, it remains our story.

Embracing its impermanence allows us to live more fully in the “here and now,” appreciating the continuous, beautiful unfolding that is the very essence of being alive.

Every breath I take is a new me.

Buddha

4. Interbeing

No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.

John 15:4

In today’s world, driven by individualism and capitalism, we tend to talk about identity as something separate, using phrases like “standing out from the crowd”, “be all you can be”, “best of the best”, etc. However, the truth is far from that: like a branch, our individual self, for all its unique qualities, cannot truly exist or flourish in isolation. It is intrinsically, vitally connected to a larger whole.

While we often find ourselves distinguishing between our ‘personal identity’ (our unique mix of traits and experiences) and ‘social identity’ (our roles and group memberships), the two are, in fact, deeply interwoven. Our sense of self arises, breathes, and takes shape in relation – to other people, to the culture that envelops us, to the natural environment that sustains us.

Just think about it. So many of our thoughts, choices, and emotions are shaped by, or are direct responses to, others around us.

The very language we use to articulate our identity, to think about “who I am,” is a social inheritance.

Our core beliefs often echo those of our family, our community, or our culture.

And even our most ‘private’ aspirations and dreams are frequently influenced by societal values, the stories we’ve been told about what a good life looks like, or our innate human desire for connection and belonging.

Image credit: Wikimedia

Now, how about a moment of reflection? Think about a career path you might feel you ‘personally’ chose. How much of that choice was shaped by parental hopes, societal definitions of success, or the opportunities available in your environment?

Given these undeniable facts, do you truly believe that there is a self existing in a vacuum?

If there were truly only one human being in the entire world, would the very concept of ‘personal identity’ as we know it – with all its distinctions, comparisons, and roles – even arise in the same way?

Psychological and sociological frameworks have consistently affirmed that our personal and social identities are not just parallel tracks but are co-created, constantly informing and sustaining each other. The psychiatrist Alfred Adler, for instance, is widely known for his concept of Gemeinschaftsgefühl (typically translated as either “community feeling” or “social interest”), which he posited as a fundamental aspect of psychological health.

PHILOSOPHER: Ever since the hunter-gatherer age, we have lived in groups and cooperated with our comrades in hunting animals and raising children. It isn’t that we wanted to cooperate with each other. It is that we were weak, so desperately weak, that we could not live separately.

[…]

Put the other way around, nothing is scarier to humans than isolation. Isolated people have not only their physical security threatened, but their mental security as well. Because, instinctively, we are well aware that we cannot live alone. As a consequence, we are always longing for a strong connection with other people. Do you understand what this fact means?

YOUTH: No, what does it mean?

PHILOSOPHER: All people have community feeling inside them inherently. And it is something that is deeply linked to human identity.

[…]

Just as one would not imagine a turtle without its shell, or a giraffe with a short neck, there is no such thing as a human being who is completely cut off from other people. Community feeling is not something that is attained, but something that one digs up from within oneself, which is why it can be shared as a feeling.

Ichiro Kishimi, ‘The Courage to Be Happy’

Nothing exists independently, in and of itself. Our perceived “self” is actually composed of countless “non-self” elements – our ancestors whose lives led to ours, the food we eat that becomes our body, the air we breathe, the ideas and knowledge we encounter, the love and care (or lack thereof) from the people around us.

From this vantage point, to see ourselves as truly separate, autonomous entities is to overlook the vast network of conditions and relationships that make our existence possible.

A flower, like everything else, is made entirely of non-flower elements. The whole cosmos has come together in order to help the flower manifest herself. The flower is full of everything except one thing: a separate self, a separate identity. The flower cannot be by herself alone. The flower has to inter-be with the sunshine, the cloud and everything in the cosmos.

If we understand being in terms of inter-being, then we are much closer to the truth. Inter-being is not being and it is not non-being. Inter-being means being empty of a separate identity, empty of a separate self.

Thich Nhat Hanh

When we truly understand and practice living from Interbeing, our life journey will turn to a completely new page:

• The quest for self-identity becomes a “We” quest

If our very being is interwoven with all else, then authentic self-discovery cannot be a purely solitary pursuit focused solely on an isolated “I.” It naturally expands to include an awareness of our relationships, impact on others, and connection to the wider web of life. The question “Who am I?” evolves to include “Who are we?” and “How do I best contribute to, and live harmoniously within, this interconnected whole?”

In other words, we are equipped to move beyond self-limiting habits like excessive ego-inflation, the constant need to take individual credit, or resisting necessary personal change solely to preserve a rigid sense of “me.” Our focus is naturally shifted from competition towards cooperation and contribution.

• From “I”-centeredness to a wider embrace (a mark of maturity)

There’s a natural human developmental arc from an initial, necessary self-centeredness (like a baby whose world revolves around its immediate needs for survival) towards a more mature awareness of our interdependence. True self-reliance and robust independence, paradoxically, often flourish most fully within the recognition of this larger whole – when the “I” learns to see itself as an integral part of a “we.”

This view of relational identity is reflected in various cultural philosophies around the world – e.g. Ubuntu in Southern Africa (“I am because we are”) or Wa/Nagomi in Japan (which emphasize harmony, cooperation, and the importance of the collective).

• Cultivating compassion & overcoming fear

When we deeply grasp our interconnectedness, empathy and compassion naturally arise. Seeing others not as wholly separate and alien “others,” but as interconnected parts of the same human family (and indeed, the same larger ecosystem), allows their joys and sorrows to touch us more deeply. Fear, which so often arises from a sense of a fragile, isolated self needing to defend its boundaries, is now lessened – as we realize our security and well-being are intimately tied to the security and well-being of all.

Indeed, most conflicts, whether personal or societal, are typically fueled by an “us vs. them” mentality, a fundamental failure to see the “other” as part of oneself. But the truth is far from that. Even between apparent opposites, like the left and right wings in politics, interdependence still exists (or, should I say, it HAS TO exist).

Political parties of the right and the left are immortal-they cannot be removed. As long as there is a right wing, there will be a left wing. Therefore those on the left of the political spectrum should desire the eternal presence of those on the right. If we remove the right, we have to remove the left at the same time.

The Buddha said: “This is because that is. This manifests because that has manifested.” This is the Buddha’s teaching concerning the creation of the world. It is called the teaching on co-arising. The flame is there because the matches are there. If the matches were not there, the flame would not be there.

Thich Nhat Hanh

A perspective of interbeing in any conflict would, therefore, seek understanding, common ground, and solutions that acknowledge this mutual dependence, rather than aiming to vanquish the “other” out of fear or narrow self-interest.

Now, it’s critical to clarify that embracing interbeing isn’t about losing one’s individuality, becoming a mere undifferentiated part of a collective, or blindly conforming to societal expectations. Rather, it’s about realizing the truth of our interconnectedness. This realization, far from erasing individuality, allows for a more authentic, expansive, and responsible individuality to emerge – one that takes into account its context, impact, and inherent place within the whole.

When we genuinely feel our interconnectedness, the relentless need to measure ourselves against others diminishes. This, in turn, frees us to engage in genuine learning – about ourselves, about others, and about how to live more harmoniously, compassionately, and lovingly in our shared world.

Most people think that learning is encouraged through comparison, whereas the contrary is the fact. Comparison brings about frustration and merely encourages envy, which is called competition. Like other forms of persuasion, comparison prevents learning and breeds FEAR.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

The world is neither black nor white; it’s not about truth or ideals – it’s about balance

Read more: 20 Best Self-discovery Books

5. Double-edged

By now, we should be well aware that our sense of self is a cornerstone of human experience. It provides a source of meaning, a clear sense of direction, and an anchor that gives us feelings of stability and coherence in the face of life’s challenges. However, if we are not careful enough, it may turn out to be more of a “curse” than a blessing.

On one hand, our core values, beliefs, aspirations, and titles may serve as powerful engines that drive us towards our goals and imbue us with strength and conviction. Yet, these same elements, if clung to with excessive rigidity or left unexamined, can transform into chains that bind us – making us inflexible and fearful of necessary challenges.

A deeply held value for ‘loyalty,’ for instance, is the bedrock of strong, trusting relationships. But if that loyalty becomes absolute and unthinking, it might lead one to condone or participate in harmful actions, all in the name of upholding that aspect of their identity.

◆ The pitfalls of a rigid “Ego”

Many spiritual traditions and psychological frameworks have consistently discussed the problematic aspects of the “ego” – that constructed sense of self that seeks to preserve itself at all costs. Under its influence, countless people become heavily identified with particular outcomes, images, or beliefs. And the consequences of such a choice are not to be underestimated:

• Breeds suffering

Many of us cling desperately to a specific self-image (e.g., “I am the successful executive,” “I am always the helpful one, never in need of myself”), a cherished role, or an unshakeable set of beliefs. When life inevitably brings changes that challenge these fixed notions – a core aspect of its impermanent nature, as discussed above – we experience significant suffering, because our cherished, static identity feels threatened with annihilation.

• Fosters conflict and division

An inflexible self-identity is sure to result in an “us vs. them” mentality. If “who I am” is primarily defined by being “right,” “superior,” or belonging to an exclusive group, it becomes incredibly difficult to empathize with, genuinely understand, or collaborate with those who hold different views or embody different identities. Over time, it will inevitably lead to interpersonal friction and wider social division.

• Stifles growth

An identity that is terrified of being perceived as “wrong,” “inadequate,” or “less than” will naturally shut down curiosity and the willingness to learn from new experiences or, crucially, from mistakes. This fear of challenging the known self gives rise to stagnation, preventing the very evolution that life invites.

Read more: Goal Obsession – The Ultimate Flaw that Demolishes Success

◆ Moving beyond fixed frameworks

This double-edged quality of identity means that our journey of self-discovery involves not just “learning” who we are, but also developing the crucial capacity to “unlearn” and consciously evolve. As demonstrated in stories like the Buddha’s Raft Parable, teachings, frameworks, and even our current self-definitions are just like a raft – essential for crossing a river (navigating a particular stage of life). However, once the other shore is reached, a wise person doesn’t continue to carry the raft on their back as an unnecessary burden.

Similarly, aspects of our identity, beliefs, or roles that once served us well must sometimes be lovingly let go of or adapted to allow for our continued growth and passage to new shores of wisdom.

In Japanese philosophies, there is a concept called Shuhari (守破離), which is widely adopted in martial arts and other disciplines. Accordingly, one’s development is comprised of three stages:

• Shu (守 – Protect/Obey): Initially, in any learning process, including forming aspects of our identity, we need to adopt certain frameworks, values, or ways of being, learning the fundamentals by following established models.
• Ha (破 – Detach/Break): With growing experience and inner reflection, we begin to question, adapt, and break free from rigid adherence. We start to personalize our understanding and experiment with different expressions of self.
• Ri (離 – Leave/Separate): Ideally, we move towards a more fluid, integrated, and authentic expression of self, no longer strictly bound by the original forms but acting from a deeper, internalized source of wisdom.

If we remain stuck in the initial “Shu” stage, clinging tenaciously to our first identity constructs without allowing for evolution, we risk becoming like a “robot” – operating on programmed rules, beliefs, or self-images without genuine presence, adaptability, or compassion. This may manifest in various unhelpful ways, namely:

• Spiritual bypassing: Using spiritual labels or an adopted “enlightened” identity to avoid facing difficult emotions or engaging with real-world ethical complexities.
• Intellectual arrogance or dogmatism: Becoming convinced that one’s current identity or belief system represents the absolute and final truth, thereby closing off all further learning or dialogue.
• Fear of vulnerability and change: An intense, almost desperate, need to protect a static and often idealized self-image from any perceived threat.
• Lack of empathy and connection: Rigidly applying one’s own identity standards or moral codes to others, leading to judgment, a failure to empathize with different perspectives, and a painful disconnect from shared humanity. This ultimately generates more suffering for oneself and those around.

◆ Embracing flexibility without relativism

The call for flexibility, for the willingness to “unlearn” and adapt aspects of our self-identity, might sound to some like it’s promoting a kind of “anything goes” relativism, where identity has no stable core or guiding principles. That is not the intention. Instead, it’s an invitation to embrace imperfection and the ongoing, dynamic nature of self-discovery.

Given that most of us are not static, fully “enlightened” beings, the identities we inhabit are, by nature, works in progress, subject to revision as we experience and grow. It’s not only okay – but often necessary for our understanding of “who I am” to change and deepen over time. The focus, then, shifts from a self-righteous attachment to being a certain (fixed) way, or always being right, towards cultivating:

• The sincerity of our intentions: Are our strivings oriented towards what is good, constructive, and conducive to growth and connection?
• The integrity of our actions: Do our actions, as best as we can manage, align with our deepest, most compassionate understanding, even as that understanding itself evolves?
• The commitment to consistent effort and reflection: Are we willing to keep learning from our experiences, adapting our perspectives, and even making amends when our past self-knowledge led to less-than-ideal outcomes?

What got you here won’t get you there.

Marshall Goldsmith

6. Transcendent

It is in self-forgetting that one finds.

Peace Prayer

I remember as a kid attending church meditation sessions and getting to know these words for the first time. It was (how do I say it)… wonderful! Even though at that time, I did not have much life experience to fully comprehend it.

And now, after years have passed, the verse above now has a whole new layer of meaning to me.

When we talk about “self-forgetting”, we are not talking about escaping who we are – but rather about the potential within our self-identity to experience something that extends beyond the confines of our everyday, ego-defined awareness. Rather than a denial of the personal self, it is an opening to what lies beyond the self’s perceived boundaries – the possibility of a connection to a larger unity, a sense of liberation from one’s usual limitations, an encounter with a deeper, more fundamental ground of being.

In his book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning‘, the psychiatrist Viktor Frankl – who has endured the horrors of the Holocaust – observed that true self-realization, and indeed a robust and meaningful identity, are usually discovered not by an inward, obsessive focus on the self, but paradoxically, by dedicating oneself to something beyond the self.

By engaging wholeheartedly with a cause greater than oneself – or by deeply loving another person, we engage in what he termed “self-transcendence.” In these moments of earnest engagement or selfless love, our narrow, everyday self-concerns fall into the background to be replaced by a more purpose-filled and deeply fulfilled sense of humanity.

What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.

Viktor E. Frankl

If you are attentive enough, you should be able to notice countless instances of self-transcendence in daily life:

• An artist completely absorbed in the act of creation, losing all track of time, their usual worries momentarily vanishing.
• A scientist engrossed in the pursuit of discovery, driven by curiosity about the universe.
• A volunteer dedicating their energy to alleviating the suffering of others.
• Someone deeply immersed in a loving, supportive relationship.

What’s interesting is that studies and accounts have noted that such individuals typically report their most vital sense of purpose and a truer feeling of “self” – precisely when they are “forgetting themselves” in service to something larger than their individual ego.

As such, this brings us to an idea that may initially seem quite counterintuitive: that to truly know ourselves, to find our authentic identity, we first need to “lose” or consciously let go of the “self” we think we are – particularly the constructed, conditioned, and often limiting notions we’ve accumulated over a lifetime.

Self-identity

After all, our daily self-concept is an intricate construction built from societal conditioning, past experiences (both good and bad), ingrained fears, and various egoic attachments and defenses. These layers, while serving certain functions in navigating the world, may also obscure a deeper, more essential, and perhaps more peaceful sense of being. As uncomfortable as it may feel, removing them is essential to acquiring a more abundant experience of existence.

Examples:

• Letting go of a cherished but ultimately limiting professional identity after retirement may be a painful process of “losing” a familiar self, yet it also opens up new, unexpected avenues of self-discovery and fulfillment.
• Similarly, releasing the need to always be seen as “strong” or “in control” allows for a deeper vulnerability and, through that, more intimate and nourishing connections with others.

From our earliest days, human development has been a journey of reaching out, connecting, and expanding our world. A baby learns to crawl, then walk, exploring beyond their immediate physical self. They learn to communicate, to empathize, and eventually, find that their focus naturally shifts from purely self-centered needs towards contributing to others, to their community, or to what they perceive as a higher purpose or even a connection with “divinity” in its broadest sense.

In other words, humanity has always had an innate yearning for self-transcendence – not as an escape, but as a path to fullness, maturity, and a more integrated way of living in the world. Surrendering the demands, fears, and illusions of the small, often anxious, ego-defined self doesn’t lead to emptiness in a negative sense; instead, it creates the inner space for a vaster, more authentic “real self” to emerge.

Like a sculptor chipping away excess stone to reveal the true form within, the “losing” of the superficial or constricting layers is necessary – so that one may “find” and connect to a “self” that is more peaceful, more interconnected with life, wiser, and imbued with a quiet sense of freedom.

Give up yourself, and you will find your real self.

C. S. Lewis

Challenges of Reflecting on Self-identity

It is easier, far easier, to obey another than to command oneself.

Irvin D. Yalom

While the experience of looking within is deeply rewarding, it is certainly not without its hurdles – given the self’s complicated nature. As one learns to ‘command oneself’ – to realize who they are beneath the surface, to navigate the inner world with clear-eyed awareness, and to consciously cultivate an authentic way of being – they are sure to encounter challenges, pitfalls, misconceptions, and pressures along the way. Awareness of these potential obstacles is key to navigating the path with greater clarity, compassion, and resilience.

1. Delusions about the true Self

We take refuge in pride, because we are afraid to tell the truth to ourselves.

Okakura Kakuzo

Previously, we have discussed the thing called “ego” – the familiar identity construct based on accumulated experiences, roles, and beliefs. This everyday “me” is shaped by a confluence of factors, including:

• Past conditioning: The lessons, hurts, and triumphs of our past leave their imprint.
• Societal “noise”: The pervasive cultural norms, unspoken expectations, and prevailing values of the society we live in.
• Desires and aversions: Our deep-seated urges (to succeed, to be recognized, to feel secure, to be right, to avoid pain or discomfort), as well as personal biases, fears, and insecurities.
• etc.

At the end of the day, the ego is just a representation of one’s thoughts about oneself – rather than the entirety of one’s being. And yet, far too often, we mistake it for our actual, living essence.

Have you ever heard the Buddhist analogy of the finger pointing to the moon? In this analogy, the Buddha likens himself and his teachings to a finger that guides people toward the “moon” – which is the truth of the world. In other words, his words are only an indicator of the direction to head for. The “moon” itself, vast and luminous in the night sky, is the actual destination, the reality being indicated.

How does it apply to our quest for self-understanding then?

In our life journey, our thoughts, beliefs, cherished memories, the roles we play (parent, professional, friend), our defined personality traits (“I am an introvert,” “I am a kind person”), and the overarching stories we weave about our lives (“My difficult childhood shaped who I am today,” “I am a doctor who helps people”) are all like that finger. They are valuable descriptions, concepts, labels, and narratives that point towards who we are, or highlight particular aspects of our rich and varied experience.

However, there is a deeper, more immediate experience of being – a core awareness that witnesses all these thoughts and roles, a fundamental nature that is not dressed in concepts. It is the experiential reality of our selfhood, which, as we have explored previously, is typically more alive and less easily definable with any single description.

The problem arises when we become so fixated on the “finger” – meticulously analyzing it, polishing its appearance, defending it vehemently, etc. – that we entirely miss the actual “moon”. It happens when we over-identify with our self-descriptions, personal histories, and mental constructs – to the point that we completely shield our minds, close our hearts from others, and become disconnected from reality.

Now, it’s crucial to reaffirm that our personal identity, the “sense of self,” serves a necessary role. It acts as a vital “anchor” or “compass,” helping us navigate the complexities of the world, make decisions, form relationships, and maintain a sense of coherence in our daily lives. The problem isn’t its existence.

Rather, it is when this functional, conditioned, and ultimately impermanent construct becomes a rigid “chain” – when we mistake it for the totality or unchangeable essence of who we are, preventing us from recognizing anything deeper, from growing beyond its current confines, or from connecting with ourselves and others in a more open, intimate way.

Example:

If someone rigidly identifies as ‘the always competent one who never makes mistakes’ (their ego-construct), they are likely to avoid challenging tasks for fear of failure (stifling growth), struggle to admit when they need help (preventing deeper self-recognition of their own limits and needs), or become defensive when receiving feedback.

When we primarily identify with our constructed “sense of self”, the path to fulfillment becomes significantly tougher due to:

• Increased vulnerability to suffering

Our inner peace becomes precariously dependent on the stability of impermanent roles, possessions, relationships, or beliefs. As soon as these change (as they always do), our very sense of who we are feels threatened, leading to anxiety and pain.

• A constant need for external validation

The ego, being a construct, requires ongoing external reinforcements – praise, recognition, agreement – to maintain its story and feel secure. It is akin to someone who meticulously curates their social media presence, feeling a fleeting sense of worth with every ‘like’ or positive comment (which are not always indicators of online success). As soon as a post doesn’t receive the desired attention, a sharp dip in self-esteem is likely to follow.

• Rigidity and fear of change

New experiences, different perspectives, or personal growth that might contradict the existing self-narrative are perceived as threats rather than opportunities, leading to resistance and stagnation. For instance, think about someone who has always identified as ‘a purely logical, no-nonsense person.’ They are likely to automatically dismiss or ridicule any experience that feels intuitive or emotional – like a moment of unexpected artistic inspiration or a surge of empathy – because it threatens their established self-narrative, thereby closing themselves off from potentially enriching aspects of their being.

• Inauthentic connections

If we primarily relate to ourselves and others through our “masks,” we hinder the possibility of genuine intimacy and mutual understanding. Not only does it result in less fulfilling relationships, but it also strips us of input from others and presents a major obstacle to honest self-reflection.

Self-identity

The journey of self-discovery, therefore, calls for us to cultivate the wisdom and discernment to distinguish between the “finger” (our thoughts, ingrained stories, roles, and concepts about ourselves) and the “moon” (the direct, lived experience of our deeper nature, that core awareness that simply IS). We don’t need to discard our personal identity entirely; however, we need to hold it more lightly, to recognize it as a useful but ultimately limited tool, a current chapter in an ever-unfolding story.

It’s about remaining open to the vaster, more ineffable, reality of who we are beyond our conditioned narratives and familiar self-images. About defining ourselves from the inside-out (a core sense of being or intrinsic worth) rather than from the outside-in (by external achievements, roles, or possessions).

We have the choice of two identities: the external mask which seems to be real… and the hidden, inner person who seems to us to be nothing, but who can give himself eternally to the truth in whom he subsists.

Thomas Merton

2. Internal obstacles & psychological traps

Beyond the ego, the path of finding oneself is also complicated by a host of internal psychological obstacles and ingrained mental habits.

◆ Self-deception

Often termed “bad faith” in existential philosophy, it refers to one’s frequently unconscious effort to sidestep the discomfort and inherent responsibility that come with authentic selfhood. We might act as if our self-identity is rigidly fixed or entirely determined by certain external factors, rather than acknowledging our active role in shaping it. This manifests when there are noticeable discrepancies between our stated beliefs or values and our actual behavior – perhaps through hypocrisy, persistent excuse-making, or consistently presenting a persona that feels fundamentally untrue to our inner experience.

Why is this the case then?

Typically, such self-deception is driven by a deep-seated desire to fit in and gain social approval, an attempt to avoid accountability for difficult choices, a potent fear of the unknown, or simply a craving for the illusion of stability in an ever-changing world. Whatever the causes are, the consequences are significant: not only does it cultivate internal suffering (e.g. chronic anxiety, a gnawing sense of emptiness, or persistent guilt) – but it can also inflict suffering on others, perhaps through the broken trust that arises from deception (like a partner who verbally commits to honesty but consistently acts otherwise) or through the perpetuation of unhealthy relationship dynamics (for instance, someone habitually playing the martyr to gain sympathy or control, all the while denying their own genuine needs and agency).

◆ The weight of the past

Many of us unconsciously use previous experiences, particularly traumas or perceived failures, as ongoing justifications for our current limitations, unhappiness, or inaction. Or, we may let internalized negative imprints – critical messages received from family, society, or formative experiences – distort our self-perception (e.g. “I am bad at communicating & working with people”), even despite contradictory evidence. In doing so, we effectively permit the past to dictate our present and future identity.

The thing is, the past is the past. There is nothing we can do to change it. We only have control over the “here” and “now”. Living in the past, therefore, does nothing good to us – aside, probably, from making us a “puppet” of circumstances. Not to mention, when we focus excessively on bad memories, our view of the world becomes shaded in grey, and ultimately, we identify ourselves as something less than we deserve to be.

Many people tend to think of the world and their life events as something without. However, the truth is that the mind plays a very crucial role in shaping existence.

PHILOSOPHER: Once, a man I was counselling recalled an incident from his childhood in which a dog attacked him and bit his leg. Apparently, his mother had often told him, ‘If you see a stray dog, stay completely still. Because if you run, it will chase you.’ There used to be a lot of stray dogs roaming the streets, you see. So, one day he came across a stray dog on the side of the road. A friend who had been walking with him ran away, but he obeyed his mother’s instructions and stayed rooted to the spot. And the stray dog attacked him and bit his leg.

YOUTH: Are you saying that memory was a lie that he fabricated?

PHILOSOPHER: It was not a lie. It is probably true that he was bitten. There had to be a continuation to that episode, however. Through several sessions of counselling, the continuation of the story came back to him. While he was crouching down in pain after getting bitten by the dog, a man who happened to be riding by on a bicycle stopped, helped him get up and took him straight to the hospital.

In the early stage of counselling, his lifestyle, or worldview, had been that ‘the world is a perilous place, and people are my enemies’. To this man, the memory of having been bitten by a dog was an event signifying that this world is a place full of danger.

However, once he had begun, little by little, to be able to think, ‘The world is a safe place, and people are my comrades,’ episodes that supported that way of thinking started coming back to him.

Was one bitten by a dog? Or was one helped by another person? The reason Adlerian psychology is considered a ‘psychology of use’ is this aspect of ‘being able to choose one’s own life’.

The past does NOT decide ‘now’. It is your ‘NOW’ that decides the past.

Ichiro Kishimi, ‘The Courage to Be Happy’

As demonstrated in the story above, our current mindset and beliefs actively shape which aspects of our past we emphasize and how those memories contribute to our ongoing definition of self. If we are courageous enough to be in the “here” and “now” – to value what we LONG to become more than what we USED to be – our lives will turn to a completely new page!

◆ The walls of fear & avoidance

Back in the day, I used to feel really uncomfortable whenever I looked at myself in mirrors or photos. This deep-seated feeling of insecurity, as I figure, has to do with the fear of confronting perceived flaws, especially when measured against idealized images projected by those around me.

I believe that the same attitude – reluctance to truly see oneself – also applies when it comes to what lies beyond physical appearance.

• Many of us instinctively shy away from rigorous introspection due to a palpable fear of what we might find if we look too closely – disliked traits, unacknowledged vulnerabilities, or truths about our current state that feel too uncomfortable to face. As such, we keep the ‘mirror’ to our inner self covered.
• Similarly, a potent fear of judgment, ridicule, or misunderstanding makes us hesitant to share our most personal aspects with others – including our cherished beliefs, hidden struggles, unconventional dreams, or deepest shames. As a result, we conceal vital parts of our true self, not just from others, but sometimes even from our own conscious awareness, creating an inner sense of isolation.
• A particularly significant barrier is the fear of confronting what Carl Jung called our “Shadow” – those aspects of our personality we’ve repressed, disowned, or hidden, often because we, or society, have labeled them as negative or unacceptable. Yet, true self-knowledge and integration necessitate courageously acknowledging and working with these shadow parts.

When these fears become pervasive, they contribute to a broader pattern of avoidance, where individuals may habitually perceive themselves as passive recipients of life’s difficulties. Instead of exploring their own complex role and inner workings, the focus shifts to blaming external factors – other people, ‘bad luck,’ or societal structures – for their unhappiness. This effectively denies personal agency and the power to connect with and transform the self within.

Self-identity

◆ The maze of overthinking

Our own minds, in their eagerness to gain knowledge, may sometimes lead us into the trap of excessive rumination and self-analysis. Instead of leading to clarity, they churn up more anxiety, fuel indecision, and create a hyper-focus on perceived flaws or inconsistencies. We get caught in an endless loop of thinking about the self, rather than directly experiencing our being or taking constructive, life-affirming action.

This mental overdrive fuels unhelpful self-judgment and the habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others – a tendency that, as we’ve previously noted, breeds inadequacy or an equally distorting sense of artificial superiority.

3. External pressures & societal influences

We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.

John Locke

Identity formation doesn’t happen in a void. Beyond the above-mentioned inner landscapes, our sense of self is also shaped by the external world – our intricate web of relationships, the communities we are part of, the broader culture we inhabit, and the often unspoken societal expectations that surround us.

The desire for connection, approval, and a sense of belonging is a fundamental human need. It is essential for one’s well-being, and is deeply linked to our innate “community feeling”. In its healthy expressions, it fosters empathy, cooperation, and the formation of supportive, life-affirming relationships.

However, the problem arises when this drive becomes entangled with an overwhelming fear of rejection or an intense pressure to “fit in” at all costs. When this happens, we might find ourselves:

• Constantly seeking validation from others as the primary measure of our worth.
• Suppressing our thoughts, feelings, or unique perspectives if we sense they deviate from group norms or might invite disapproval.
• Making significant life choices based primarily on pleasing others or gaining acceptance.
• Conforming to and adopting the prevailing attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of the larger collective purely due to societal pressure.
• etc.

It’s important here to distinguish genuine social harmony – which arises from shared, consciously chosen values, mutual respect, and authentic connection – from unthinking “herd mentality.” The latter stems from a fear of standing out, an unwillingness to engage in independent critical thought (perhaps a form of intellectual laziness), or a passive acceptance of the status quo, rather than a conscious alignment with what feels true.

Now, I assume that you are already familiar with the classic tale of “The Emperor’s New Clothes“. It is about an emperor who is obsessed with fine clothing. Two cunning weavers (who are actually con artists) claim they can create the most magnificent outfit for him – one that is invisible to anyone who is stupid or incompetent. Eager to show off his intelligence and sophistication, the emperor commissions them to make the garment. However, since there is no actual fabric, the emperor and his court pretend they can see the magical clothes rather than admit their supposed ignorance.

Eventually, the emperor parades through the city in his nonexistent outfit. Everyone in the crowd hesitates to speak up – fearing to appear foolish or out of step with the supposed consensus. Only an innocent child, not yet conditioned by such fear, speaks the truth out loud:

“He hasn’t got anything on!”

Though fictional, the story serves as a vivid illustration of how societal pressure, and the fear of its repercussions, can silence individual observation and critical thought – both of which are key components of a robust identity.

From the earliest years, we are immersed in a sea of societal messages, cultural narratives, and stereotypes related to aspects like gender roles, ethnicity, social class, professional paths, age-related expectations, and perceived abilities. These are transmitted subtly yet powerfully through family upbringing, educational systems, media portrayals, and the general social discourse around us.

Long before we even begin to consciously question who we are or who we might aspire to become, these “imprinted” expectations and categorizations have operated like invisible scripts, shaping our self-perception and limiting our sense of possibility. They dictate what feels “normal” or “appropriate” for someone “like us,” sometimes steering us away from paths that might feel more resonating as we grow up.

The very way we conceptualize “self-identity” is significantly molded by the broader cultural context. For instance, many Western cultures tend to promote an independent self-construct, emphasizing personal autonomy, uniqueness, and individual achievement. Conversely, Eastern cultures (and numerous other collectivist societies worldwide) often cultivate an interdependent view; accordingly, identity is more fluidly defined by one’s relationships, social roles, contribution to group harmony, and the fulfillment of mutual obligations.

It’s vital to approach these distinctions with nuance, avoiding simplistic binaries of “this way is right, that way is wrong.” What’s important is not to rigidly label one approach as inherently superior, but to become aware of our primary cultural conditioning – and then to pick which values/ perspectives we wish to integrate into our own unique understanding of self, rather than passively accepting any single script as the absolute truth.

In the search for identity, it’s natural and immensely helpful to look up to role models, mentors, teachers, or influential figures – “gurus” in the broadest sense – so as to benefit from their wisdom, perspectives, and guidance. However, we need to be careful not to let healthy admiration shift into uncritical idolization or blind imitation. Otherwise, we will lose sight of the path and become a replica of someone else.

4. Emerging challenges in the digital age

The rapidly evolving digital landscape of the 21st century has introduced a new array of problems, namely:

• Distorted self-perception

Social media platforms, now deeply woven into the fabric of daily life, become stages for showcasing idealized, highly curated versions of oneself. Constant exposure to these polished images inadvertently fuels a relentless cycle of social comparison; as a result, many become victims of persistent feelings of inadequacy, envy, and a skewed perception of both others’ lives and the perceived shortcomings of their own. Authenticity is subtly (or overtly) sacrificed for online approval, the maintenance of a carefully crafted digital persona, and the desire to appear ‘in the know’.

• Erosion of original thought

With the recent advances in information technology, more and more people are becoming reliant on AI tools to do their work – from generating text, creating art, finding solutions, to even mediating emotional responses. While these tools are definitely helpful (I myself wouldn’t recommend against using them), we should be mindful that there is the risk of diminishing the connection to one’s unique voice, innate creative impulses, and capacity for independent critical thinking – especially if one is too dependent on them.

• Existential shifts in the workforce

The expanding capabilities of AI have also been giving rise to concerns about job displacement. Given that work and professional roles form a significant pillar of personal identity for many (as psychology has long recognized), the recent technological shift can trigger far-reaching existential uncertainty. It forces individuals, and indeed societies, to re-evaluate traditional concepts of purpose, contribution, and self-worth, looking beyond employment as a primary definer of identity.

• Technological FOMO

The societal buzz and peer pressure to adopt every new AI tool or integrate AI deeply into all facets of life – without thorough consideration of genuine needs, ethical implications, or the potential impact on personal autonomy and intrinsic human capacities – can lead to lives increasingly driven by technological trends rather than by human values and consciously chosen self-development.

• Information overload & algorithmic curation

The sheer, unceasing volume of information, opinions, and narratives available in the digital age makes it increasingly difficult to find the quiet mental spaces necessary for deep, uninterrupted reflection. Not to mention, algorithmic filter bubbles and echo chambers – prevalent on social media, news feeds, and search engines – can inadvertently reinforce one’s existing biases and severely limit exposure to diverse perspectives, leading to a more rigid, insular, and less examined sense of self.

Navigating the above-mentioned challenges requires a steadfast commitment to conscious engagement. This means fostering robust critical thinking about the technologies we use, mindfully curating our digital environments to support our well-being (rather than detract from it), prioritizing genuine human connection, and consciously carving out spaces for deep, undistracted self-reflection, away from the constant online noises. Only then can we hope to harness the remarkable benefits of the modern world without surrendering the core of who we are and who we aspire to become.

What Does It Take to Realize One’s Self-identity?

• Courage

The journey into your inner world demands a particular kind of valor – to honestly face yourself (including your hidden fears, ingrained self-deceptions, and uncomfortable truths). It’s the courage to be vulnerable, acknowledging imperfections and uncertainties without a protective facade.

At the same time, it also means daring to be authentically yourself, even if that involves deviating from societal expectations or the comfort of familiar norms, and stepping into the unknown as your identity evolves.

To know who you are without any delusions or sympathy is a moment of revelation that no one experiences unscathed. Some have been driven to madness by that stark reality. Most try to forget it. But as much as the name will give others power, so you may gain power over yourself, if the truth doesn’t break you.

Christopher Paolini, ‘Eragon’

• Self-truthfulness

This involves a steadfast commitment to seeing yourself without the distorting filters of ego-defense, pride, wishful thinking, or preconceived notions about who you ought to be. It requires a willingness to meet your internal inconsistencies, moments of inauthenticity, and the sometimes unsettling gap between your aspirations and your actual daily experience.

• Humility

True self-discovery flourishes when you recognize that your current understanding of yourself is inherently incomplete, a work always in progress, and quite possibly contains flawed perceptions or blind spots. Such an attitude fosters openness to being wrong about yourself and readiness to learn from all experiences – especially mistakes and failures – viewing them as vital lessons rather than indictments of your worth.

Pride makes us artificial; humility makes us real.

Thomas Merton

• Self-awareness & introspection

This is the cultivated capacity to consistently turn your attention inward, to observe your thoughts, emotions, motivations, and behavioral patterns without immediate judgment or over-identification. It’s about becoming a curious and compassionate witness to your own inner life, developing the ability to distinguish between the authentic impulses of a deeper self and the conditioned responses or limiting narratives of your everyday “sense of self” or ego.

• Openness & receptivity

A genuine willingness to consider new perspectives, encounter different experiences, and integrate fresh insights – even if they directly challenge your long-held beliefs about yourself or the world – is vital for growth. Flexibility in the mind and heart allows you to adapt, evolve, and learn, rather than rigidly resisting change, discomfort, or unfamiliar ideas.

• Discernment & critical thinking

As you open yourself to new experiences and information, the ability to discern wisely and think critically becomes essential. This involves carefully evaluating both your internal narratives (your habitual self-talk, ingrained beliefs, old stories) and the myriad external influences (societal messages, digital noise, the opinions and projections of others). It’s about sifting through these influences to discover what truly resonates with you.

• Patience & perseverance

Self-realization is a lifelong process; it is not a one-time event, a quick fix, or a final destination to be definitively “achieved.” Everyone’s journey unfolds in its own time, often with cycles of insight, integration, and even periods of seeming quiet or confusion. As such, resilience is necessary to continue one’s exploration.

• Willingness to engage & take responsibility

Realizing your self-identity demands an active commitment – i.e. proactively engaging in self-exploration, consistent reflection, and conscious decision-making. In other words, one needs to fully accept responsibility for their choices and actions, regardless of the consequences.

• Self-compassion

Perhaps one of the most crucial qualities, nurturing all others, is self-compassion – i.e. treating yourself with consistent kindness and forgiveness. It’s about acknowledging your shared humanity and inherent imperfections without resorting to harsh self-criticism or debilitating shame, especially when facing your “shadow” aspects, past regrets, or the inherent difficulties of change.

How to Define & Develop Self-identity

1. Let go of all established notions & attachments

Identity cannot be found or fabricated but emerges from within when one has the courage to let go.

Doug Cooper

Back in the day, Nietzsche made a statement that, at first glance, might seem absurd (but actually not if we think about it):

“To become what one is, one must not have the faintest idea what one is.“

The idea is: before we can truly discover or define our self-identity, we must first have the courage to release the grip on who we think we are, or who we have been conditioned to believe we must be. To let go of fixed, premature conclusions about ourselves – those limiting boxes of “I am this” or “I am that”. Rather than a descent into nihilistic emptiness, “letting go” in this context involves an active, conscious, and ongoing process – when we intentionally release self-definitions that no longer serve our growth, as well as unhealthy attachments to particular self-images, past narratives, or limiting beliefs.

In his book Falling Upward, author Richard Rohr argues that one’s life journey is comprised of two halves. The first one, he notes, is frequently dedicated to building our “container” – establishing our ego-identity, defining our roles, achieving external markers of success, and creating a sense of order and security in the world. It is a natural and necessary stage of development, where we form a functional self to navigate societal expectations and personal responsibilities.

However, the identity established in this phase is typically built upon societal scripts, external validations, and the strivings of the ego. Life, in its wisdom, inevitably brings what Rohr calls “necessary falls” – disappointments, failures, losses, personal crises, or moments where our carefully constructed world feels like it’s crumbling.

These experiences, however painful, are not just setbacks. They are crucial initiations into the second half of life – which is characterized, above all, by letting go: letting go of the ego’s tight grip on control, releasing the need for constant external validation, and loosening our attachment to the carefully constructed first-half persona. It involves courageously embracing vulnerability, accepting our imperfections, and through this surrender, discovering a deeper, more authentic Self that lies beyond the initial “container.”

It’s a fundamental shift from defining ourselves by “what I do” or “what I have” to “who I am” at a more essential, intrinsic level.

Examples:

• A high-achiever whose entire identity was built around their career faces a sudden job loss. The initial devastation forces them to stop thinking of “success” as their primary definer, and instead explore deeper values, previously ignored passions, or a sense of purpose not tied to external accolades.
• Another person was deeply enmeshed in a particular relationship. The pain of a separation, while a “fall,” necessitates letting go of their “partner” role, leading to a rediscovery of their individual self and inner resources.

Unfortunately, many, as Rohr observes, resist these transformative “falls,” clinging desperately to their familiar first-half identities and thus missing the chance to embrace deeper authenticity, spiritual maturity, and a more expansive view of self.

The human ego prefers anything, just about anything, to falling, or changing, or dying. The ego is that part of you that loves the status quo – even when it’s not working. It attaches to past and present and fears the future.

Richard Rohr

Falling Upward – a spiritual book by Richard Rohr

On the quest for the truth – including the truth of our own being, the labels we (or other people) attach to ourselves – e.g. “I am anxious,” “I am an executive,” “I am spiritual,” “I am a failure” – can become conceptual filters that prevent us from directly experiencing the fluid, multifaceted reality of the self. Letting go of these fixed notions, or at least holding them much more lightly, creates the inner space needed to encounter ourselves afresh, beyond the confines of preconceived concepts and worn-out stories.

Instead of trying to immediately define, categorize, fix, or resolve our inner complexities, cultivating an open, accepting awareness is crucial for a deeper, more organic understanding of ourselves to emerge.

Do you know that even when you look at a tree and say, ‘That is an oak tree’, or ‘that is a banyan tree’, the naming of the tree, which is botanical knowledge, has so conditioned your mind that the word comes between you and actually seeing the tree? To come in contact with the tree you have to put your hand on it and the word will not help you to touch it.

[…]

If you would listen, sir, in the sense of being aware of your conflicts and contradictions without forcing them into any particular pattern of thought, perhaps they might altogether cease.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Self-identity

As Carl Jung pointed out long ago, letting go is part of the individuation process – that lifelong journey in which one learns to release the grip of the Persona (i.e. attachment to the social masks we wear for acceptance and conformity), cease to deny or repress their disowned aspects (the Shadow), relinquish ego-centrism (i.e. the ego’s belief that it is the sole captain of our ship, the entirety of our being), and differentiate from unconscious collective influence. According to him, even our most cherished internal “convictions” about who we are need to be subjected to honest re-evaluation – so that we may move towards a psychologically whole self.

One cannot individuate as long as one is playing a role to oneself; the convictions one has about oneself are the most subtle form of persona and the most subtle obstacle against any true individuation.

Carl Jung

It is vital to carve out time for quiet contemplation, so that one may become aware of and gradually loosen the grip of ego-attachments. At the same time, insights may also come from unexpected, sometimes painful, interactions with the world and others.

When someone’s words or actions deeply hurt or trigger us, it’s frequently because they’ve struck a chord with an unhealed insecurity, a rigid belief we hold about ourselves, or a particularly sensitive part of our ego-identity. For instance, a casual remark about your organizational skills might unleash a surprisingly strong defensive reaction if it touches upon a hidden fear of not being ‘good enough’ or an idealized self-image as ‘perfectly competent’.

In such instances, we need to undergo a courageous inner shift by:

• Observing our ego’s defensive reaction (anger, shame, withdrawal) without immediately acting on it or becoming completely identified with it.
• Ask ourselves: Does this trigger point to an “established notion” about myself that needs re-examining? Is this an old wound, a sensitive spot from my past that needs healing and release? (e..g: “Is my intense reaction to this feedback rooted in an old belief that I must always be the expert to be valued? Or does this person’s dismissive tone echo past experiences of being unheard, a sensitivity that still needs gentle acknowledgement?”)
• Realizing that these moments, as difficult as they are, can act as inadvertent “teachers.” They reflect back to us the parts of our constructed self that are fragile, overly defended, or in need of release. By understanding that “this pain is an indicator, not my ultimate truth”, we begin to disarm its power over us and create inner space for a more resilient, whole self to emerge.

Read more: Healing Your Inner Child – 15 Steps to Unearthing the Happy, Healthy You Within

2. Look beyond the superficial

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

William Shakespeare, ‘Romeo and Juliet’

The words above are spoken by Juliet in Act 2, Scene 2 – often called the “balcony scene”. In this instance, Juliet laments that Romeo, whom she is deeply in love with, belongs to the house of Montague – her family’s sworn enemy. She wonders why his family name – a mere label, a societal marker – should stand as a barrier to their love when his intrinsic qualities, the essence of who he is, are what truly matter to her.

If we really think about Juliet’s question, we should realize that it applies to our journey of self-discovery too.

Humanity’s natural tendency is to categorize everything, including each other and ourselves, as a way to make sense of a complex world. Think of how people define themselves – or are defined – solely by “I am a CEO,” “I am an introvert,” “I am a victim of circumstance,” or “I am a [nationality/political affiliation].”

While labels (like job titles, personality types, social roles, or even diagnoses) are indeed useful for communication or initial understanding, they can swiftly become rigid boxes if we cling to them and refuse to acknowledge their dynamic nature. As soon as they are challenged or need to evolve (as life often demands), we are likely to succumb to a feeling of being lost, threatened, or out of place.

After all, our sense of self is a continual interplay between various factors, many of which can be quite contradictory to each other. For instance, I used to be perceived as primarily ‘emotional’ by my mother and some teachers during my early upbringing; this perception was further reinforced by my feeling a pull towards social science subjects (often stereotyped as “softer”) as well as towards humanistic values.

And yet, as I grew up, many people I encountered described me as ‘analytical’ instead. Things became even more confusing when I realized that even though I – to a certain extent – felt comfortable learning things like arts and writing, I tended to approach them with a logical, almost scientific mindset. Pretty ironic, right?

“What kind of person am I?” I could not help but question myself.

Eventually, I believe I have found an answer to this seemingly absurd situation as soon as I realized my areas of interest – namely linguistics and philosophy. Both of these fields are highly analytical in nature, and yet, they also grapple with the human condition (which I am strongly passionate about). In other words, I am “an analytical thinker with deep empathy, drawn to understanding human complexities”.

Self-identity

Reflecting on my own journey so far has allowed me to come to terms with a fundamental truth: it does no good to force oneself into one single definitive label. Confusion often arises from trying to fit into one predefined box, rather than appreciating the unique, and sometimes paradoxical, blend that constitutes one’s being.

Far too often, societal biases create arbitrary hierarchies between different talents or interests (like the stereotype that ‘science subjects are intellectually superior to social sciences,’ or that the latter ‘only require memorization’). Internalizing such superficial judgments will distort your self-worth if your passions lie in an area that society happens to devalue.

As such, we need to look beyond simplistic categories and embrace a more nuanced, multifaceted worldview. Only then may we honor people’s true inclinations and recognize the diverse forms of intelligence, passion, and contribution that make up the spectrum of human identity.

What labels me, negates me.

Soren Kierkegaard

How to look beyond the superficial:

• Cultivate the habit of revisiting previous experiences and questioning all assumptions/ expectations – both those imposed upon us by others and those we, many times unconsciously, impose upon ourselves.
• Think about whether a popular trend truly aligns with our needs and worldviews – whether our desire to heed it stems simply from the need for validation or not.
• Make a conscious effort to look past someone’s job title, social status, or outward appearance to connect with their shared humanity.
• Practice looking beyond social stereotypes and dogmas, especially if attachments to them cause suffering or require us to compromise virtues such as compassion.
• etc.

Easier said than done. Perhaps, because our human inclination is to treasure the components of our identity – especially the more communal, fundamental ones like spiritual or philosophical orientation. This attachment is particularly strong when it comes to deeply ingrained frameworks like religion.

Speaking of which, I remember once coming across a question like this:

“What is God’s religion?”

As absurd as it may seem, I cannot help but wonder – how come may an omnipotent force like God be restricted by a thing called ‘religion’? How can one confine an ultimate, universal concept within exclusive human-made labels?

At the end of the day, the English term ‘religion’ is believed to have originated from ‘religare’ – which is about re-connection. In light of this, religious traditions are like the “finger pointing to the moon” – they are pathways, indicators towards a deeper truth, a more profound connection, or a more ethical way of living. They are NOT the truth itself.

If we become fixated on the specific label of our path – ‘Christian,’ ‘Muslim,’ ‘Buddhist,’ ‘Atheist,’ ‘Spiritual But Not Religious’ – and use that label to create rigid divisions, claims of exclusive truth, or a sense of superiority, we risk missing the underlying universal principles – i.e. values like love, empathy, integrity, and the shared human experience of conscience, which are not limited to any specific tradition at all.

Even young children, before being formally introduced to specific religious or philosophical labels, are known to exhibit an innate capacity for compassion and a natural sense of wonder about existence.

People at birth are naturally good.

Mencius

As such, on the quest for self-identity, we should aim to look beyond the superficial adherence to ANY doctrine (religious or otherwise) and instead cultivate a personal, intelligent, and deeply felt engagement with what gives our individual life meaning and purpose.

It is about being an active seeker, practicing honest self-reflection, adopting critical thinking, and, above all, prioritizing the ‘Heart’ – one’s innermost knowing (or “心”, as it is referred to in East Asian languages) – in every decision.

While we can certainly participate in traditions, social groups, or professional roles, we should still be aware of the danger of rigid adherence to their superficial aspects. Clinging too tightly to any label without looking deeper, without questioning, without allowing for personal interpretation, will only lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, distance us from others, and deny us the chance to embrace the evolving Self within.

When I speak of a religion of one’s own, I’m not talking about a selfish, ego-centered, loosely patched together spiritual concoction. I’m recommending a courageous, deep-seated, fate-driven, informed, and intelligent life that has sublime and transcendent dimension. It can be shared in a community. It can be accomplished inside or outside a traditional religious organization. It is suitable for pious members of a religious group and for agnostics and atheists.

To be religious even in a personal way, you have to wake up and find your own portals to wonder and transcendence.

Thomas Moore

3. Clarify core values (with flexibility)

In Yann Martel’s Life of Pi novel, the main character – Piscine Molitor Patel – is burdened by his own name, which is often mispronounced in an intentional way by his friends as “pissing”. To escape being ridiculed and bullied, he consciously chooses to rename himself “Pi” based on the mathematical constant π. Though his act is, in part, a practical solution to a social discomfort, the name “Pi” (π) itself carries a deeper, more metaphorical connotation (i.e. irrational, infinite, and non-repeating) – which lays the foundation for Pi’s journey of self-exploration and spiritual maturity later.

Just as Pi claimed a name that resonated with him (and later set the precedent for his whole story), we are also called to discover a “true name” that defines the “essence” of our identity. To clarify our core values – those principles that represent what is genuinely energizing to us (distinct from external expectations or inherited beliefs) and give our life a distinct meaning and direction.

Now, how about a moment of intimacy – as I share with you the idea behind my own name?

My original name in my mother tongue is Dang Khoa (登科). Historically, in ancient East Asian cultures, “Dang Khoa” referred to the act of passing the imperial examinations; in other words, it signifies academic success, worldly achievement, and an aspiration for high position and recognition.

To be honest, my mother gave me that name primarily because she found its sound appealing, without knowing anything about its historical weight. As I grew (and found out what “Dang Khoa” means), I sometimes felt a slight discomfort with it, partly due to what I perceived as its somewhat ‘materialistic’ or externally-focused connotation.

Perhaps it was because of a feeling rooted in my own upbringing – a deep-seated belief that true wealth and worth come from within, from character and contribution rather than status.

Later in life, I picked the English name ‘Jonathan‘ – this choice was inspired mainly by the Biblical character of the same name (though some other literary figures played a part too). To me, the name is a representation of the values I deeply aspire to (though I have to admit I often struggle in embodying them) – namely selfless friendship, a sense of chivalry and honor, courage in the face of adversity, loyalty, a spirit of service, integrity, benevolence, goodwill, kindness, inner strength, and endurance.

To me, ‘Jonathan’ is more like an IDENTITY rather than a convenient English name for interacting with a global audience. An identity that I am genuinely happy with (at least for this chapter of my life).

Image credit: Wikimedia

To be fair, my original name, ‘Dang Khoa,’ still holds meaning, especially if one views it more philosophically as ‘to pass the test‘. To ‘pass life’s tests with wisdom and diligence’ – rather than through a purely literal, historical lens focused on external success.

Even as I embrace the identity ‘Jonathan’, I still feel that it’s important to learn to accept and integrate the name my mother gave me, with the love it represented.

As for the letter ‘M.’ in my chosen English name (Jonathan M. Pham) – it stands for Maximilian; hence, my full English name is Jonathan Maximilian Pham.

“Maximilian who?” some might wonder.

For now, I prefer not to tell you specifically what it means – yet. 😊😊😊

However, if you have a look back at the previously published content on this blog, I suppose you should be able to find the answer – somewhere, in some article. And you should come to understand what the middle name Maximilian is about, what kind of core values it represents for me.

Image credit: Wikimedia

How about yours? What is your ‘true name’? What are your core values?

For those who have not yet thought about it, here are a few ways to begin the exploration – to listen for the whispers of your own heart:

• The Unconstrained Dream Exercise

Take some quiet time to ponder your deepest dreams with a truly open mind, setting aside, just for a moment, any judgments about feasibility or what others might think. Ask yourself:

“If money weren’t a factor, if other people’s opinions held no sway, and if geography and logistics were no object – what would I truly love to do with my time and energy? What would my most fulfilling life look and feel like?”

Just let your mind play freely in this open space, even if the “how” of achieving such a life seems unclear right now. As you become engaged in the process, you may realize underlying values like freedom, creativity, connection, service, learning, adventure, or peace that are longing for greater expression in life.

• Mining your “Golden Moments”

Reflect on your past experiences. Think about specific moments, even fleeting ones, when you felt genuinely happy, deeply fulfilled, authentically alive, or truly “yourself.”

What were you doing? Who were you with, if anyone? What qualities were you embodying or expressing?

These memories often act as “breadcrumbs,” leading you back to your core values. Were you learning something new (value: growth, knowledge)? Were you deeply connected with someone (value: love, relationship)? Were you making a difference (value: contribution, service)? Were you facing a challenge with courage (value: bravery)?

Write these moments down, study them, and look for the recurring themes – they point to what truly nourishes your spirit.

• The Emotional Resonance Test

Pay close attention to what truly moves you in daily life. What topics, activities, principles, or stories evoke a strong emotional response within you – be it a surge of joy, a passionate engagement, a sense of righteous indignation, deep compassion, or a feeling of peace and rightness?

This inner emotional “ping,” this resonance, often signals that a core value has been touched or activated.

For instance, someone might feel a genuine uplift and a burst of energy when discussing or participating in efforts towards environmental sustainability, revealing a core value for stewardship or a connection to nature. Conversely, they might feel indifferent, or even a subtle resistance, to conversations focused purely on corporate profit margins or social status if those don’t align with their guiding principles.

• Value-mapping tools

Beyond personal and intuitive reflection, more visual, structured tools may also help articulate your inner landscapes with greater clarity – examples include the Personal Identity Wheel (and similar audit exercises). These tools typically present a list of common values (like honesty, creativity, security, compassion, etc.) and ask you to rank them in order of personal importance. Or, some might prompt you to consider various life domains (career, relationships, personal growth, community, health, spirituality) and identify the qualities that are most essential for you to honor in each of these areas. Based on them, you may identify recurring patterns, clarify your priorities, and also see where your current lived actions align (or perhaps misalign) with them.

Self-identity

It’s worth noting that once you’ve identified a set of resonating core values, it’s tempting to treat them as immutable laws, etched in stone. However, a crucial aspect of cultivating a healthy identity is to hold these values with flexibility.

Why is flexibility so important here?

Life circumstances change, we gain new experiences, our wisdom deepens. A quality that seemed paramount in one phase of life might naturally shift in priority, or find new and different ways of expression, in another. Our very understanding of what a value means in practice can also mature and become more nuanced over time.

Imagine, for example, someone whose core value is ‘strength,’ which they initially interpreted solely as ‘never showing vulnerability or needing help.’ Hence, they have trouble when it comes to seeking support during difficult times, forming trusting interdependent relationships, and learning from moments of perceived weakness. As they grow and gain more life experience, they eventually come to realize that true strength actually includes the courage to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to connect authentically.

Your core values, therefore, are best seen as a compass, providing guidance and orientation for every decision and action. They are not meant to be a rigid cage that prevents you from adapting to new realities or makes you judgmental of yourself and others when life calls for a nuanced approach.

Sometimes, life calls for a detour, a re-evaluation, or a new path; your values-compass will help you navigate these shifts with integrity, even if the terrain looks different from what you initially expected.

It’s about striving for internal alignment with what feels most life-affirming, not about dogmatic adherence to an unchanging rulebook.

Ultimately, you’ll know your values are authentically yours and are serving your growth when living in accordance with them brings a deep sense of integrity, purpose, and an intuitive ‘yes’ from within, a feeling of rightness that resonates through your being. In other words, “you know it when you see it“.

Read more: 21 Best Self-discovery Movies

4. “Purify” yourself regularly

Perhaps the pollution of water is nothing more than the pollution of the human soul. Modern society has gone as far as we can go.

Masaru Emoto, ‘The Secret Life of Water’

Just as a garden needs regular tending to flourish, our inner landscape requires ongoing care to maintain its clarity. This is where the practice of regular “self-purification” – or perhaps, more accurately, inner clearing – becomes essential.

In Hayao Miyazaki’s animated film Spirited Away, there is a striking scene in which a seemingly repulsive “Stink Spirit” (called ‘Okusaresama’ in Japanese) enters the spirit world’s bathhouse. He initially appears as a massive, foul-smelling sludge-like entity, causing distress among the workers due to his unbearable stench. Chihiro, the protagonist, is assigned to assist him. Through her efforts, she discovers that the Stink Spirit is actually a polluted River Spirit burdened by human waste and debris. After a thorough cleansing, he is eventually restored to his original glory.

Image credit: Studio Ghibli

Think about it. Isn’t it that we, to a certain extent, are just the same as the River Spirit in the story above? We are also “polluted”, albeit in a metaphorical sense, due to:

• External pressures and societal expectations.
• Negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs.
• Unexamined societal conditioning and internalized judgments.
• The sheer “noise” of daily existence, including information overload.
• The relentless pursuit of material success.
• Unresolved emotional baggage from past experiences.
• The chronic stress of constant striving.
• etc.

All these “pollutants,” much like the debris on the River Spirit, play a major role in obscuring our true nature. They cause a disconnect from our core values, a pervasive feeling of inner confusion, a general sense of being weighed down and unable to access our full vitality. As a result, our “original intention” or “beginner’s mind” (初心/ shoshin) – characterized by openness, eagerness, and a lack of preconceptions – is blocked out.

In order to maintain a vibrant, responsive, and authentic self-identity, we need to cultivate practices for regular inner clearing and decluttering – just as we attend to our physical hygiene. These include:

• Creating a personal “sanctuary”

In today’s fast-paced world, it is vital that we regularly step away from the usual demands, distractions, and stimuli of life – and retreat to a “sanctuary” (which doesn’t need to be a remote hermitage). Find a quiet corner in your home, get out for a regular walk in nature, or just simply carve out short, intentional periods of inner quiet amidst a busy day.

The idea is to create a dedicated space and time free from external inputs, allowing the “muddy waters” of the mind to settle and clarity to emerge. While the accompanying solitude may seem unsettling to certain people – at certain times, it offers an opportunity to disengage from performing social roles and to hear one’s own inner voice more distinctly.

If you stay in the hurly-burly of this world, you’ll run around in circles without ever finding your way. You’ll become the kind of person who just stamps and screams.

Takashi Nagai

• Mental & emotional decluttering

Our minds and hearts are capable of accumulating clutter just like our physical spaces. Regular decluttering is key, and it is achievable via practices such as journaling, meditation, and reflection. Try writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences – without censorship – and processing them. Once you identify recurring negative patterns or limiting beliefs (e.g., “I’m not capable enough to pursue X,” “I always mess up Y relationship”), take some time to consciously re-evaluate, reframe, or release them. Just make sure not to be too obsessed with finding an immediate, forced solution.

Read more: 110 Self Discovery Journal Prompts by Topic

• Participating in spiritual activities

According to researcher Patrick McNamara, certain religious experiences can help in “decentering” the self – aka, shifting one’s primary locus of identity away from a narrow, self-absorbed ego towards a more “integral self”, one that feels more connected to a larger whole, is more aligned with deeper values, and is less buffeted by anxieties and demands. Spiritual practices – be it prayer, specific contemplative traditions from various faiths, or connecting with wisdom literature – allow one to experience something grander than their everyday ego (like awe, deep compassion, or a sense of the sacred), which naturally makes the ego’s relative importance shrink, allowing for a more objective, expansive, and less reactive self-view.

One thing I would like to note here is that the true benefit of such activities lies in genuine inner stillness and sincere intention – not merely in habitual ritual, performative spirituality (perhaps done to enhance the ego or gain social approval), or rigid adherence to ideologies. The aim is to quiet the “noise” so that inner wisdom may emerge.

In the stillness of the heart, the truth speaks most clearly.

Rumi

Self-identity

• Reprogramming with mindful affirmations (behavior-focused)

Affirmations provide an amazing tool for this self-cleaning process, especially when they are chosen consciously, resonate deeply, and focus on desired behaviors or states of being, rather than on rigid, fixed identity statements. For example, instead of the fixed, negative identity label “I am disorganized,” you might try a behavioral affirmation like, “I am consistently developing and practicing effective organizational systems.” Or, instead of “I am confident” (which might feel untrue and thus create inner conflict if you’re not feeling it), try, “I am practicing courage by taking small steps outside my comfort zone each day.“

• Grounding techniques

Simple practices like focused deep breathing (noticing the inflow and outflow), mindfully engaging your senses (truly noticing the sights, sounds, smells around you), taking a short walk in nature, or even just feeling your feet firmly on the ground can interrupt cycles of overthinking and restore a sense of calm presence.

• Cultivating “purifying” lifestyle habits

Beyond specific techniques, regular “self-clearing” also involves consciously adopting habits that nourish clarity and well-being, while mindfully minimizing those that tend to “pollute” our inner state. This includes practices like mindful media consumption (being selective about the information and entertainment you absorb, reducing exposure to negativity or comparison triggers), nourishing your body with healthy food, engaging in physical activity that helps clear the mind as well as the body, spending quality time with genuinely supportive and uplifting people, pursuing creative outlets that allow for authentic expression, and practicing gratitude to shift focus towards what is good and present.

Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.

Mahatma Gandhi

5. Be a “philosopher” of your life

All I know is that I know nothing.

Socrates

At first glance, the above statement by Socrates might seem peculiar. And yet, other great thinkers also share the same belief. For instance, Confucius is credited with saying:

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

Rather than promoting a nihilistic worldview, these wise words serve as a call for us to cultivate a learner’s mindset – an intellectual and existential humility that courageously recognizes that our current understanding of ourselves, and indeed of the world, is always incomplete, always a work in progress. It’s a mindset akin to that of a philosopher – a “lover of wisdom”, rather than one who has already attained it.

When we operate from the assumption that we already ‘know’ who we are, fixed and defined, we inadvertently close the door to further discovery and evolution. On the other hand, an open attitude lays the fertile ground from which true self-knowledge can actually sprout.

Only if you see, ‘I do not know,’ the possibility of knowing will become a living reality in your life.

Sadhguru

Self-identity

Being a “philosopher of your life” isn’t about retreating into abstract theories; it means actively engaging with the world and with yourself as a dynamic field of ongoing discovery. It’s about approaching your own life with curiosity and a willingness to experiment. About being committed to living an examined life by:

• Trying new things

How well do you truly know your preferences, your joys, your dislikes, if they’ve never been genuinely tested beyond the confines of your established routine?

The “philosopher of life” is one who actively seeks out new experiences – which could be as simple as trying unfamiliar foods, listening to entirely different genres of music, exploring new hobbies you’ve only daydreamed about, or reading authors whose viewpoints challenge your own. You might not fall in love with everything you try – and that’s perfectly okay!

Each experience, positive or negative, provides valuable “data” about yourself: ‘Ah, I learned something new about what resonates with me (or what truly doesn’t).’

The idea is not to be obsessed with a frantic search for a ‘perfect’ fit or a definitive label – but to intentionally broaden awareness of your own tastes, reactions, hidden talents, and potential sources of joy.

• Stepping out of your comfort zone

It’s often said that real growth and self-discovery happen at the edges of our comfort zone, and there’s much truth in this. Being a philosopher of your life involves intentionally exposing yourself to things that feel a little daunting, perhaps even slightly scary, yet also intriguing or aligned with a quiet aspiration. This could mean taking that solo trip you’ve always pondered, joining a club or group focused on something completely outside your usual circle, finally learning a skill that you’ve always thought was “cool” but felt unqualified to try, or finding your voice and speaking up in situations where you normally wouldn’t.

These experiences push you to tap into unknown strengths, confront hidden fears, and discover facets of your personality and capabilities you might never have known existed. In these moments, you are actively “philosophizing” by testing your perceived limits, observing how you respond to novelty and challenge, and adapting knowledge of who you are based on these direct encounters.

• Engaging in self-questioning

A core practice for the philosopher of life is ongoing, honest self-reflection, particularly through the art of incisive, compassionate questioning. Inspired by Socrates’ method of inquiry, it involves systematically and gently evaluating your own thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, emotional reactions, and behavioral patterns to uncover deeper truths, inconsistencies, or underlying motivations. In other words, it’s about becoming a kind but persistent interrogator of your own inner world, not to judge, but to understand.

Instead of just noting an emotional reaction and moving on, try delving deeper: “I felt intensely defensive when my approach to that project was criticized. Why did that specific feedback feel like such a personal attack? What underlying belief about my competence, my intelligence, or my worth might have been triggered by that comment? Is this belief truly serving me, or is it perhaps a rigid part of an old self-story that needs updating?”

Or, when you notice a strong pull: “I consistently find myself drawn to activities related to [helping animals/creating art/solving complex puzzles], even if it’s unconventional or doesn’t fit my current ‘role.’ Why does this resonate so deeply with me? What core value is being expressed or seeking expression here? What does this persistent pull tell me about what genuinely makes me feel alive and engaged?”

This gentle yet persistent practice of asking “why” repeatedly, like carefully peeling the layers of an onion, helps you move beyond surface-level knowledge to the core motivations, fears, values, and beliefs that quietly shape your identity and daily actions.

Read more: 200 Self-reflection Questions – Toolkit for Life Pilgrims

• Conversing with others

In order to better nurture a philosophical mindset, it may be a good idea to occasionally participate in thoughtful, open-ended dialogue with a trusted friend, mentor, accountability partner, or therapist who can help you explore your own thinking without imposing answers.

• Embracing the mystery

Sometimes, being a philosopher of your life means gently questioning the very nature and solidity of your perceived reality, including your most immediate sense of self. As reflected in the Socratic wisdom of “knowing that we know little for certain,” our grasp on “who I am” is always an interpretation, a story, a perspective within a larger, perhaps ultimately unknowable, reality.

Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.

Zhuangzi

• Being with the “flow”

Last but not least, a philosopher’s mindset requires us to internalize the fact that the quest for self-knowledge is not a one-time project with a final exam or a definitive conclusion. It is, by its very nature, a continuous, lifelong process of discovery and integration. There is no need to succumb to the pressure of having to “figure ourselves out” completely or definitively. The important thing is to maintain an ongoing, open-hearted engagement with our evolving self, appreciating each new insight, each challenge, each moment of clarity.

The more you know yourself, the more clarity there is. Self-knowledge has no end – you don’t come to an achievement, you don’t come to a conclusion. It is an endless river.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

6. Embrace uncertainty

As human beings, most of us exhibit a strong, almost instinctual, attachment to certainty. We crave quick answers, clear formulas for life, definitive commitments from others, and sharp, unambiguous distinctions between ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

The desire for predictability is entirely understandable; after all, it offers a fleeting sense of security and control in a world that often feels anything but. However, this relentless pursuit of certainty, especially in areas as fluid and deeply personal as self-identity, comes with hidden costs and can become quite detrimental to one’s growth.

Why is this the case?

• It prompts us to latch onto premature conclusions about ourselves (e.g., “I am an anxious person, and that’s just how I am, full stop”), thereby stifling awareness of the potential for change and evolution.
• It fosters rigid belief systems and an intolerance for ambiguity, making us resistant to new experiences, unfamiliar perspectives, or personal insights that might challenge our carefully constructed, fixed self-view.
• It causes us to outsource our self-definition to external authorities, systems, or dogmas that promise clear-cut answers, rather than engaging in the more challenging, but ultimately more rewarding, path of open-ended self-exploration.
• It prevents us from reflecting on other potential facets of identity that might lead to greater joy and purpose. An example is when one desperately clings to a career identity that no longer brings them fulfillment, simply because the uncertainty of exploring a new path, of not knowing what comes next, feels too threatening.

The truth is, as we’ve explored before, our self-identity, much like life itself, is not a static entity but a dynamic, unfolding process. Our inner worlds are complex and multifaceted, our deepest experiences ineffable, and life continually presents us with new information and circumstances.

Therefore, a degree of uncertainty is inherent in everyone’s journey. Who we will become next year, or even next month, is not rigidly predetermined.

Major life choices – about relationships, careers, where to live, what to believe – are almost always made with incomplete information and no absolute guarantee of the outcome.

Our perspectives, values, and even core feelings are likely to shift and mature as we learn and grow.

Given this fluid reality, attempting to impose absolute certainty on it is like trying to freeze a flowing river; it denies its essential, vibrant nature. Authentic self-knowledge, as many spiritual teachers have suggested, emerges from an open, unbiased awareness of our total being – our thoughts, feelings, contradictions, and potentials – without a predetermined agenda or the promise of a comfortable, predictable result.

We follow authority – if not that of a person, then of a system, of an ideology – because we want a result that will be satisfactory, which will give us security. We really do NOT want to understand ourselves, our impulses and reactions, the whole process of our thinking, the conscious as well as the unconscious; we would rather pursue a system that assures us of a result. But the pursuit of a system is invariably the outcome of our desire for security, for certainty, and the result is obviously not the understanding of oneself.

[…]

Authority in its very nature prevents the full awareness of oneself.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Have you ever watched the movie Mr. Nobody? The story follows Nemo Nobody, the last mortal in a futuristic world where humanity has achieved quasi-immortality. As he approaches his own demise, Nemo is forced to reflect on the numerous potential lives that could have stemmed from the choices he could have made.

As illustrated in the film, life presents a vast array of branching paths created by our decisions – each of which, while opening some doors, necessarily closes others. However, the important thing is not to identify one single, objectively “right” choice that guarantees a perfect, pain-free existence. Each path taken can lead to a unique life with its own inherent meaning, its own unique blend of joys and sorrows. Therefore, what one needs to do is to embrace uncertainty – to accept the responsibility of their own choices without the illusion of a “perfect” outcome or a “correct” preordained identity. To be present and find meaning within the life that emerges from the decisions one makes.

Every path is the right path. Everything could’ve been anything else. And it would have just as much meaning.

Nemo Nobody

Read more: 20 Best Meaning of Life Films

Back in the day, the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard proposed the concept of a ‘leap of faith’ – i.e. committing to choices and actions based on one’s deepest convictions and values, even in the absence of absolute certainty or complete rational proof of the outcome. According to Kierkegaard, authentic selfhood requires us to venture beyond the comfortable shores of the known. To constantly avoid such leaps for fear of the unknown is to risk never truly discovering the self that emerges (and is strengthened) through committed, courageous action.

After all, as those like Immanuel Kant have pointed out earlier, pure reason has its limits; it cannot definitively answer all of life’s ultimate questions (such as the precise nature of the self or the definitively “right” path). Given that intellect alone cannot provide all the guarantees we crave for our most vital decisions, then at some point, embracing the unknown through a committed, value-driven choice becomes essential.

When faced with choices where the outcome is uncertain, after sincere reflection (asking ourselves, as you might, “Was my mind and heart clear at the time of decision? What did my intuition, that quiet inner knowing, seem to indicate?”), there’s a certain wisdom in “trusting the process.” Rather than passive resignation or abdicating responsibility, it demonstrates an active trust in life’s unfolding – as well as in our own capacity to learn, adapt, and find our way, even when the path isn’t fully illuminated.

It acknowledges that every decision arises from a complex web of past causes and conditions and will, in turn, shape future ones in ways we cannot always fully predict or control.

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.

Thomas Merton

7. Do not fear starting anew

The path of one’s life sometimes calls not just for subtle adjustments, but for the courage to make significant shifts, to reinvent certain personal aspects, or even to feel like one is starting anew. This prospect can be daunting, yet many times, it holds the key to deeper authenticity and fulfillment.

Just think about the remarkable life of Albert Schweitzer. A distinguished theologian, philosopher, and musician in Europe, he reached a point, around the age of 30, where an inner calling led him to a radical decision: to pursue medicine and dedicate his life to humanitarian work in Africa. His choice to abandon a well-established and respected path was met with considerable skepticism and objection from many of his friends and relatives. Yet, Schweitzer persevered and eventually – through his efforts – became a global phenomenon.

Image credit: Wikimedia

The impulse to start anew isn’t confined to iconic historical figures like Schweitzer; it’s a deeply human experience, a thread that can run through any life. Perhaps you, like me, have found yourself at a similar crossroad, a point where the path you were on, however successful it may have seemed externally, no longer resonated with the person you were becoming.

I recall once working as an SEO manager at an international digital agency – a position highly regarded by people in my own circles. Yet, right at the peak of my career, a quieter calling began to emerge – a desire to engage more directly with the human condition. In the end, I decided to step away from my stable full-time role and established career trajectory to pursue a new professional path.

This transition was certainly filled with uncertainties – and might have appeared ‘absurd’ or impractical to some people. That being said, it has brought with it a sense of alignment and satisfaction that the previous path, for all its external markers, could no longer provide. And as of now, I have no reason to regret it.

Given the impermanent nature of self-identity, it is essential that we grant ourselves explicit permission to evolve, to make substantial changes, or even to feel as though we are “starting over” in certain areas of life when the inner compass points in a new direction. Past identities, roles, relationships, or self-definitions that were once fitting or necessary should be released if they no longer are.

However, even when we truly yearn for new beginnings (and know the reasons why), we often find it truly hard to embrace them. “Starting anew” feels so frightening, as it is akin to a kind of “death” – the death of a familiar self, a known identity, a predictable (even if unfulfilling) way of life. Due to the inherent uncertainty of changes, we resist them and try to rationalize staying in situations that no longer benefit our growth or well-being.

PHILOSOPHER: Carrying out change is ‘death itself’. […] Regardless of how dissatisfied you may be with your current situation, can you choose death? Can you throw yourself into the bottomless darkness? This is not such an easy thing to talk about.

That is why people do not try to change and why they want to feel okay with things as they are, no matter how tough life gets. And they end up living in search of ‘okay as I am’ ingredients in order to affirm their current situation.

Ichiro Kishimi, ‘The Courage to Be Happy’

The key to navigating this fear is the realization that change is not just a future possibility, but a constant, present reality. The fear of “dying” to an old self is largely based on the illusion of a fixed, static identity. In reality, you are not the same person you were five years ago, or even yesterday.

I myself see this clearly in my own life. When I look back, I can see that the ‘I’ of today is a distinct evolution from earlier versions: the university student facing an unknown future, the professional who once operated on near-autopilot, the specialist chasing fleeting metrics. These past selves were part of the path, but a continuous process of change, fueled by a growing awareness of both inner and outer realities, means I am always in a state of becoming someone new.

We are, in a very real sense, being subtly “reborn” in every moment, with every new experience we integrate, every new insight we gain, every choice we make. Accepting this continuous flow of becoming will make the prospect of “starting anew” feel less like a terrifying leap into an abyss – and more like a conscious participation in an already ongoing, natural process of evolution.

Choosing to “start anew” or significantly change course is not necessarily a sign of previous failure or a lack of consistency. Instead, it’s an indication that we are listening more deeply to ourselves, to our evolving needs and values, and that we are courageous enough to adjust our path as our understanding of our “destiny” – our authentic way of being and unique purpose – matures and clarifies.

The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.

Friedrich Nietzsche

8. Live in the “here” and “now”

If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.

Masaru Emoto

Regardless of past difficulties (the “muddy pond” of our histories) or anxieties about future uncertainties, our truest strength, our most vibrant beauty, our core self, is most clearly discovered and experienced when we learn to fully turn our attention to the present moment. It is not an escape from life or from ourselves; rather, it is one of the most direct and potent ways to engage with and actively shape our self-identity.

As mentioned, many of us find ourselves carrying the weight of past traumas, lingering disappointments, or perceived failures – worse, we tend to allow them to cast long shadows and define our current sense of self. But while the events of the past are indeed unchangeable, their power over our present identity and future path is not fixed.

As challenging to accept as it may seem, the truth is: your identity is not solely determined or imprisoned by your history.

It’s so tempting to wallow in psychic wounds (whether caused by other people or by your own wrongdoings) – to treat your life as a narrative driven by causality. And yet, we are not like other ordinary creatures. We possess a powerful mind capable of impacting realities.

We have the choice to live in the “here and now” – to actively choose the kind of person we are becoming in each moment.

It’s up to you – would you rather give weight to what cannot be changed, or would you rather think about what can be done right now?

Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be.

Soothsayer, ‘Kungfu Panda’

Below are a few ways to practice being present:

• Mindful awareness: Gently be attentive to your current thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without immediate judgment or attachment. Notice them as passing experiences, clouds drifting through the sky of your awareness, rather than definitive truths about who you are. This creates a space of observation from which self-knowledge may arise.
• Engage your senses fully: Take moments throughout the day to find the beauty in your surroundings and engage with them with all senses. Take your time tasting your food, feeling the texture of the clothes you wear or the objects you touch, listening to the sounds around you (near and far), and noticing the play of light and shadow, the colors and shapes that meet your eyes.
• Focus on one thing at a time (single-tasking): The ability to multitask is something typically hailed in today’s frenetic world; however, performance optimization is one of the worst enemies when it comes to cultivating self-awareness. Whether you’re working, conversing, or even doing a simple chore, try to focus on that one thing – and do your best to resist being pulled away mentally.
• Active listening in conversations: When someone is speaking, listen with the intent to truly internalize their perspectives, feelings, and experiences – rather than just waiting for your turn to speak or letting your mind drift to your own thoughts and rebuttals. This not only deepens the connection with others but also offers mirrors for self-awareness. (e.g. you might notice your own assumptions or judgments surfacing as a friend shares about an experience radically different from your own)
• Embrace your current state: Acknowledge and allow whatever you are feeling or experiencing in this moment – be it joy, sadness, peace, or restlessness – without trying to resist or change it.

As we evolve and grow, it’s natural to look back and realize that some of our past self-perceptions or decisions made from an earlier understanding of our identity may now seem like “illusions” or misalignments. Think of it not as a sign of failure, but a hallmark of growth. Just learn from previous experiences – and try to make more conscious choices that resonate with you NOW moving forward!

No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.

Ichiro Kishimi

9. Exercise personal agency

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

J. K. Rowling

While our innate talents, learned skills, and inherent capacities certainly play a role in our lives, it is the decisions we arrive at in each moment, big or small, that most truly reveal our character, values, and the direction of our evolving identity.

It’s not just what we CAN do, but what we consciously CHOOSE to do that sculpts the person we are becoming.

For instance, think about someone who might possess a remarkable ability for emotional intelligence. They can either use that ability to connect and heal, or, conversely, to manipulate. The ability is neutral; the choice defines its expression and impact on their identity.

Exercising personal agency involves two sides:

• Recognizing humanity’s inherent power to make conscious decisions, and
• Accepting full responsibility for those choices and their outcomes (even when things don’t go as planned).

This principle applies to the entire spectrum of our lives, from seemingly small, everyday decisions to major, life-altering ones. For example, do you choose to react with habitual anger – or with a moment of empathy in a challenging conversation?

Do you choose to let a meaningful personal goal languish through procrastination, or do you take even a small step towards it today?

Do you choose the path of authenticity, even if it’s less popular, over the easier road of conformity?

Each choice, however minor it may seem at the time, is a brushstroke on the canvas of the person you are becoming.

If we decide not to exercise our agency – by consistently blaming external circumstances, passing responsibility to others, or succumbing to a pervasive feeling of powerlessness, we will become a vessel adrift in the currents of life.

When you passively accept a job you dislike, simply complaining about the long hours and dull tasks instead of exploring other options or seeking changes, you essentially let your path be dictated by the employer’s needs. Others will make decisions about your workload, development, and ultimately, your professional future, while you remain stuck, a mere passenger on a journey you didn’t choose. And with every complaint you make, you reinforce your own identity as a resentful person controlled by external forces.

Is it a life you would like to live?

We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on… that’s who we really are.

J. K. Rowling

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl once recounted the horrors of Nazi concentration camps in his work Man’s Search for Meaning. Those confined there were stripped of nearly all external freedom, dignity, and even their own names. Despite the immense sufferings, people did not respond in the same way.

Some, faced with the constant threat of death, starvation, and brutality, decided to prioritize only their own bare survival, often at the terrible expense of their fellow prisoners. This sometimes manifested in actions like stealing meager food rations from those weaker, ruthlessly pushing ahead in lines, or, in the case of some “Capos” (prisoners given positions of power by the guards), collaborating with their captors and mirroring their cruelty to gain slight advantages.

Yet, amidst the despair, Frankl also witnessed extraordinary acts of altruism, compassion, and resilience. He saw prisoners share their last crumbs of bread, offer words of comfort and support to the dying, maintain their inner lives through art, philosophy, or cherished memories, and face their own deaths with profound dignity. Even in the face of unspeakable horror, these individuals chose to hold onto their ‘inner light’.

Were these “saintly” people inherently morally superior compared to the others? Not necessarily, as Frankl has concluded. According to him, the extreme pressure-cooker of the concentration camp environment simply revealed the fundamental human capacity for both an almost primal depravity and an extraordinary, almost transcendent, goodness.

The critical factor, Frankl argued, was the decision each person made about how they would respond to their unimaginable circumstances. Even when all external freedom was gone, the freedom to choose one’s attitude, one’s inner response – and thus, to define one’s ultimate identity in that moment – remained.

In the concentration camps, for example, in this living laboratory and on this testing ground, we watched and witnessed some of our comrades behave like swine while others behaved like saints. Man has both potentialities within himself; which one is actualized depends on decisions but not on conditions.

Viktor E. Frankl

Read more: 15 Best Meaning of Life Books

Even those who have committed terrible acts still have the capacity for fundamental change. This is illustrated through the story of a man known as Dr. J. – one who had been deeply involved in the Nazi euthanasia program, responsible for the deaths of countless individuals deemed “unfit.” Yet, after the war, while imprisoned himself by the Russians, this same Dr. J. underwent a profound transformation. He became a deeply compassionate and supportive comrade to his fellow prisoners, living up to the highest moral standards until his own death from cancer.

Even deeply ingrained patterns and past identities can be redefined through the power of conscious choice and a reorientation of one’s being.

Let me cite the case of Dr. J. He was the only man I ever encountered in my whole life whom I would dare to call a Mephistophelean being, a satanic figure. At that time he was generally called “the mass murderer of Steinhof” (the large mental hospital in Vienna). When the Nazis started their euthanasia program, he held all the strings in his hands and was so fanatic in the job assigned to him that he tried not to let one single psychotic individual escape the gas chamber.

After the war, when I came back to Vienna, I asked what had happened to Dr. J. “He had been imprisoned by the Russians in one of the isolation cells of Steinhof,” they told me. “The next day, however, the door of his cell stood open and Dr. J. was never seen again.” Later I was convinced that, like others, he had, with the help of his comrades, made his way to South America.

More recently, however, I was consulted by a former Austrian diplomat who had been imprisoned behind the Iron Curtain for many years, first in Siberia and then in the famous Lubianka prison in Moscow. While I was examining him neurologically, he suddenly asked me whether I happened to know Dr. J. After my affirmative reply, he continued:

“I made his acquaintance in Lubianka. There he died, at about the age of forty, from cancer of the urinary bladder. Before he died, however, he showed himself to be the best comrade you can imagine! He gave consolation to everybody. He lived up to the highest conceivable moral standard. He was the best friend I ever met during my long years in prison!”

This is the story of Dr. J., “the mass murderer of Steinhof.” How can we dare to predict the behavior of man? We may predict the movements of a machine, of an automaton; more than this, we may even try to predict the mechanisms or “dynamisms” of the human psyche as well. But man is more than psyche.

Viktor E. Frankl

These experiences speak to the same truth: you are not merely a passive victim of your circumstances, your past, or your conditioning. You are an active agent in your own life and in the ongoing shaping of your identity.

To exercise personal agency means consciously shifting away from blaming external causes or feeling perpetually powerless, and instead, focusing your energy on the questions: What can I choose in this moment? What constructive action can I take? What kind of person do I choose to be, right here, right now?

This is akin to adopting a “survivor” or “thriver” mindset, rather than a “victim” one. Instead of dwelling on “poor me” narratives or endlessly cataloging the perceived failings of others, the focus becomes proactive: “What should I do from now on to move towards the person I wish to be?”

Exercising true personal agency means making choices based on your own clarified values and inner guidance, rather than blindly following external expectations, societal pressures, or the scripts others may have written for you. For example, I myself took a leap of faith some years ago when I chose to resign from a full-time role as an SEO manager – a position that seemed secure and well-regarded – to instead pursue a path of research and writing in areas more directly related to the human condition (which is, as I figure as of now, is a combination of psychology and philosophy). It is a path that feels deeply meaningful to me, despite the initial doubts from some around me and the inherent financial and professional uncertainties.

This choice, rooted in a sense of inner calling, has led to a far more fulfilling expression of my identity than adhering to a conventional career path chosen primarily out of a desire for approval or perceived security.

Self-identity

Now, it’s worth noting that exercising personal agency doesn’t mean denying your current realities or pretending to be someone you’re not. We need to acknowledge and accept our current state – our strengths, talents, passions, and yes, even our flaws and areas for growth – while simultaneously making conscious choices to evolve in the direction we aspire to.

For instance, I recognize myself as someone who is generally resilient and not easily swayed by external influences, but who also tends to be over-contemplative at times and could benefit from cultivating greater spontaneous emotional openness. I see my nature sometimes like a sturdy tank: durable and steady, but perhaps slow to change direction and sometimes a bit insulated.

Accepting these current aspects of my “equipment” isn’t resignation; it’s a clear-eyed acknowledgment of my present starting point as I strive to cultivate greater balance and connection.

This kind of nuanced self-acceptance is crucial to avoid the traps of either self-paralysis (from focusing only on flaws) or self-condemnation, while still actively choosing the direction of one’s ongoing growth.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

10. Adopt the “right view”

The journey of defining and developing our self-identity, as we’ve been exploring, is significantly shaped by the very lens through which we choose to view ourselves, others, and the world. Many wisdom traditions, both ancient and contemporary, emphasize the importance of cultivating what might be called a “Right View” as an essential starting point for a truly meaningful and authentic life.

The concept of “Right View” is inspired by principles found in Buddhist thought; that being said, I believe it is applicable to anyone. Essentially, it is about making a conscious choice, moment by moment, to see reality as it truly is, rather than how we might wish it to be, or how our fears and desires might distort it. In other words, it involves an effort to:

• Acknowledge what is, without flinching

This means looking directly at our experiences as they are – the pleasant, the unpleasant, the challenging, the “inconvenient truths” – without an immediate urge to change, deny, escape, or sugarcoat them.

• Embracing life’s fluidity and our interconnection

In other words, it involves willingness to recognize that all things, including our sense of self and circumstances, are constantly changing and evolving – as well as how deeply interconnected we are with everyone and everything around us. As one reflection puts it:

Observe how you are different with your kids than with your pet than with your boss, and recognize that nothing you do happens in isolation, that you’re touched by everything and everyone around you. Accept that they shape you, and as you do, allow for the fact that you are in turn shaping them, both in ways that are in your control and in ways you can never know.

• Facing difficult realities head-on

This includes a gentle but clear acknowledgment of our shared human condition – our vulnerability to sickness, aging, and eventually, death, as well as the universal experience of challenges, disappointments, or what some traditions call dukkha (suffering or inherent unsatisfactoriness in conditioned existence). No matter how uncomfortable things are, one needs to be willing to embrace them. Only when one’s outlook on life is grounded in truth may authentic self-knowledge and wise action follow.

My eye passes lightly over no single trifle; it strives to touch and hold closely each thing its gaze rests upon. Some sights are pleasant, filling the heart with happiness; but some are miserably pathetic. To these latter I do not shut my eyes, for they, too, are part of life. To close the eye on them is to close the heart and mind.

Helen Keller, ‘3 Days to See‘

Adopting this clear, honest, and expansive perspective can also help us connect with what many diverse traditions point to as our innate human potential for wisdom, goodness, and a kind of inner awakening. In Buddhism, this is sometimes referred to as “Buddha-nature” – an inherent capacity for enlightenment.

But regardless of your specific spiritual background or beliefs, you can think of this concept in terms analogous to the “Holy Spirit” in Christianity, the “Atman” (the true Self connected to ultimate reality, Brahman) in Hinduism, the idea of a “Divine Spark” within, the “Pneuma” (divine spirit or reason) in Stoic philosophy, the “Tao” (the natural Way) in Daoism, our intrinsic “conscience,” or simply that fundamental human goodness and capacity for empathy that thinkers like Mencius believed people are naturally endowed with.

It’s that core of awareness and potential for profound good that resides within each of us, often obscured but always present. A “Right View” helps clear the way to recognizing and nurturing this potential.

Cultivating such an outlook starts with adopting a minimal lifestyle over possessions, fame, and ego-driven desires. To regularly declutter your physical and mental space – as well as to savor all experiences, rather than seeking stimulation all the time.

Self-identity

Now, how about me sharing with you a personal parable to demonstrate the above point? (spoiler: this one may resonate more with East Asian audiences than others – but I hope you can get my point)

One day, my spiritual mentor shared with me about a book named “[禅的]持たない生き方” (lit. ‘[Zen] Living without possessions‘) written by Zen Master Soushin Kanetake. Based on the book, he pointed out that the character 私 (watashi), which means “I” or “me” in Japanese, is composed of two main parts.

On the left is the radical 禾 (nogi), which relates to “grain” or “harvest.” Metaphorically, one can see this radical as representing our attachments to the material world – our possessions, achievements, worldly concerns, the “stuff” we accumulate, the aspects of our constructed ego that are tied to external things.

If we symbolically “let go” of this 禾 (our external attachments), we are left with the component 厶 (mu), a simpler, perhaps more private element.

And then, as my mentor showed, if we add the radical 亻(ninben) to the left of this 厶, the character transforms into 仏 (hotoke), which means “Buddha” or “an awakened being.” The 亻 radical specifically represents a “person” or “human being.”

The symbolic journey here – from 私 (I/Me with attachments), through letting go of those attachments (禾), to what remains (厶), and then re-embracing our core humanity/personhood (亻) to arrive at 仏 (Awakened Being) – offers a beautiful visual guide for living with “Right View.” By seeing clearly the nature of our attachments and consciously choosing to simplify, to let go of what is non-essential, and to connect with and cultivate our essential, compassionate humanity, we move from our daily sense our self toward our most awake, authentic, and “enlightened” potential.

This isn’t about becoming less of who we are, but about becoming more authentically and wisely human.

Pray with your eyes open.

Cristóvão Ferreira, ‘Silence‘ (2016)

11. Choose love as a guiding principle

PHILOSOPHER: Any person can be happy from this moment onward. […] But happiness is not something one can enjoy by staying where one is.

You took the first step. You took a big step. Now, however, not only have you lost courage and let your feet come to a halt, you are trying to turn back. Do you know why?

YOUTH: You’re saying I don’t have patience.

PHILOSOPHER: No. You have not yet made the biggest choice in life. That’s all.

YOUTH: The biggest choice in life! What do I have to choose?

PHILOSOPHER: I said it earlier. It is ‘love’.

YOUTH: Hah! You expect me to get that? Please don’t try to escape into abstraction!

PHILOSOPHER: I am serious. The issues you are now experiencing all stem from the single word ‘love’. The issues you have with education, and also the issue of which life you should lead.

Ichiro Kishimi, ‘The Courage to Be Happy’

As demonstrated in the conversation above, beyond all techniques for self-understanding or specific methods for personal growth, the most foundational choice we make in shaping our lives and our very identity is the choice to orient ourselves around love. To embrace love – in its unconditional, courageous, and action-oriented forms.

The “love” we speak of here transcends the fleeting nature of romantic infatuation or casual affection. It is a deeper, more expansive quality of being and relating that encompasses:

• Unconditional acceptance: A courageous willingness to accept oneself and others, flaws, imperfections, and all, without demanding change as a prerequisite for care.
• Compassion: The active desire, born from empathy, to alleviate suffering and promote well-being, both in ourselves and in those around us.
• Connection & empathy: A genuine recognition of our shared humanity (i.e. our ‘interbeing’) and a striving to understand and feel with others’ perspectives and experiences.
• Active care & responsibility: Taking thoughtful actions that support well-being, uphold dignity, and contribute positively to the lives we touch.

This is a love akin to what some traditions call Agape (a selfless, unconditional love for all) in Greek philosophy, or Bodhicitta (the awakened heart that aspires for the enlightenment and liberation of all beings) in Mahayana Buddhism. It is less an emotion that passively happens to us, and more a consciously chosen orientation, a fundamental way of being in the world.

Does that sound a little idealized? Well then, how about us revisiting an old parable?

There are two seas in the Middle East. The Sea of Galilee receives fresh water from the mountains and gives it freely to the River Jordan, which flows out from it. As a result, the Sea of Galilee teems with life – fish, plants, and surrounding greenery. Further south, the River Jordan flows into the Dead Sea. This sea receives water but has no outlet; it hoards every drop. The result is a body of water so saline and devoid of current that it supports almost no life.

Image credit: Wikimedia

A simple story, yet it presents a powerful truth about love and identity: an identity that is open, giving, and rooted in a loving connection to the world is vibrant, generative, and full of life. Conversely, an identity that is primarily closed off, self-absorbed, and focused on ‘getting’ or ‘hoarding’ rather than ‘giving’ or ‘flowing’ will end up stagnant, isolated, and disconnected from the vital currents of reality.

Paradoxically, we often find our truest, most vital selves not by focusing inward in isolation, but by courageously reaching out in love. When we:

• Engage with others with genuine interest and empathy,
• Offer help or support without the expectation of return,
• Choose to mentor, coach, or simply offer a compassionate listening ear
• etc.

It’s worth noting that our outward flow of love must be rooted in, and continually nourished by, a love for oneself. Unlike narcissism or self-inflation, self-love empowers us to make the best use of who we are, just as we are, by:

• Tuning into our inner needs with gentleness and accepting ourselves fully (including our imperfections, efforts, and potential for growth).
• Being ready to set healthy boundaries, to say ‘no’ when necessary – not from malice, fear, or defensiveness, but from a clear understanding of our own values, limits, and what serves our well-being and integrity.
• Resisting the corrosive urge to constantly compare yourself to others, a habit often fueled by external pressures like social media.

Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

Paulo Coelho

Self-identity

To live from a place of love – for self and others – requires immense courage; quite often, it requires us to tread into uncomfortable territory or challenge us to stand apart from the crowd:

• The courage to be disliked

True belonging and connection stem from being true to yourself with integrity, not from the impossible task of trying to please everyone. This may mean that some will not understand or approve of your choices or your way of being, and that’s perfectly fine.

• Going your own way, guided by inner truth

Choosing your path, guided by love and inner truth, is paramount for an authentic identity, even if it involves making what others might perceive as ‘mistakes’ or deviating from conventional standards.

To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

• Accepting differences unconditionally

In the movie Silence by Martin Scorsese, there is a conversation between the two priests – Father Rodrigues and Father Ferreira – about the evangelization efforts in Japan. During their exchange, Father Ferreira mentioned an old proverb:

Mountains and rivers can be moved, but man’s nature cannot be moved.

Interpreting this saying may be a little tricky; however, I would like to emphasize one aspect of the message it conveys: humanity’s inherent differences in terms of worldviews. Admitting this reality is, indeed, a crucial part of love.

A challenging, yet vital, aspect of loving expansively is learning to accept people (including ourselves) as they are, without demanding they change to fit our ideals. It means being patient enough to resist the ego’s urge to judge, categorize, or impose its will.

Love does not seek to forcibly change others, but rather strives to create conditions of acceptance where positive transformation might organically emerge from within.

Choosing love is, indeed, an act of faith. There are no guarantees of how others will respond, or what the precise outcomes of your actions will be. However, it is a commitment made from a place of inner truth, a belief in the generative and healing power of love itself, and a willingness to engage with life wholeheartedly.

It is, after all, a part of adopting the “right view”, as we have mentioned previously.

In a world often characterized by division, fear, and suffering, consciously adopting love as one’s guiding principle offers a transformative way to navigate life’s challenges and define the very core of one’s self-identity. It shifts the focus from rigid self-definitions, moralistic pronouncements, or ego-driven pursuits towards the simple, yet profound, aim of lessening suffering – in oneself and in others – and cultivating connection and well-being.

Only through love that we may experience the nature of the Self at its fullest – multifaceted, experiential, impermanent, interbeing, and transcendent!

Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name.

Thomas Merton

Read more: 18 Best Spiritual Films – Awaken, Inspire, and Enlighten

Self-identity Quotes

Check out a full list of self-identity quotes here!

Further Readings on Self-identity

What is Self-Concept Theory? A Psychologist Explains. https://positivepsychology.com/self-concept/.

Self and Identity. https://nobaproject.com/modules/self-and-identity.

What’s So Simple About Personal Identity? https://philosophynow.org/issues/107/Whats_So_Simple_About_Personal_Identity.

Your Self-Talk Is Your Destiny. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/202504/your-self-talk-is-your-destiny-these-3-words-matter-most.

Illusion and Self-Identity. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/explorations-in-positive-psychology/202302/illusion-and-self-identity.

How to Feel Grounded in an Uncertain World. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-regret-free-life/202504/how-to-feel-grounded-in-an-uncertain-world.

Am I a Robot? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-search-for-self/202504/am-i-a-robot.

How Living Authentically Can Transform You. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trauma-growth-and-the-search-for-meaning/202504/how-living-authentically-can-transform-you.

Becoming You: Ideas vs. Experiences. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfilling-our-highest-possibility/202503/becoming-you-ideas-vs-experiences.

Feel Stuck in Life? Blame Self-Concept Inertia. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-flourishing-101/202503/feel-stuck-in-life-blame-self-concept-inertia.

A Question of… Identity. https://philosophersmag.com/a-question-of-identity/.

Keeping Better Company. https://philosophersmag.com/keeping-better-company/.

What Freud Meant by the Ego, the Id and the Superego. https://www.thelivingphilosophy.com/p/ego-id-superego.

Trust Yourself: Emerson’s Self-Reliance. https://www.thelivingphilosophy.com/p/self-reliance-emerson.

What is Liminality? Our World in One Word. https://www.thelivingphilosophy.com/p/liminality.

Final Thoughts

And here we are – the end. Thanks for having stayed with me!

As we’ve explored together, the quest for identity is far from something trivial – it is, in reality, one of the most vital and continuous inquiries of humanity.

We’ve seen that “self-identity” is not a singular, static object to be found and neatly cataloged, but rather a dynamic experience – an ever-evolving understanding of who we are in relation to ourselves, others, and the world.

We’ve peered through the diverse lenses offered by philosophy, spiritual traditions, psychology, and contemporary thought, each illuminating different facets of this complex phenomenon.

We’ve acknowledged that the “self” can be both an anchor and, if held too rigidly, a chain; that it is shaped by the inner world and outer circumstances; and that the path to knowing it is filled with both opportunities and challenges.

But if there is one central thread that runs through this entire exploration, it is perhaps this: the journey of realizing and defining your self-identity is an active and deeply personal art, not a passive discovery.

It calls for the courage to shed limiting self-perceptions, the wisdom to discern one’s own path, and a commitment to navigate evolving circumstances with presence, agency, and compassion.

Ultimately, no article, no teacher, no external framework can hand you your identity. They can only offer pointers, perspectives, and practices – like fingers pointing towards the moon. The real “moon,” the living truth of who you are, is something you need to discover and co-create through direct experience and the willingness to engage wholeheartedly with everything presented to you.

So, let us continue the exploration with an open heart and an inquisitive spirit. The process of knowing and becoming yourself is not a problem to be solved, but a life to be lived.

Just believe, and you will find your way!

Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart
May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through
I know on the other side of them I’ll find you

Everytime we fall down to the ground, we look up to the blue sky above
We wake to its blueness, as for the first time

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight
I can, with these two arms, embrace the light

As I bid farewell, my heart stops, in tenderness I feel
My silent, empty body begins to listen to what is real

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying
The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance in unity

Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart
keep dreaming your dreams, don’t ever let them part

Why speak of all your sadness or of life’s painful woes
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you

The whispering voice, we never want to forget,
in each passing memory, always there to guide you

When a mirror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
Glimpses of new life, reflected all around

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
Cause here shining inside me, it’s right here inside me

I’ve found a brightness, it’s always with me.

Always with Me, from ‘Spirited Away’

(Btw, here is an Easter egg for you. Enjoy 😊😊😊)

Other resources you might be interested in:

• Self-leadership: The Art of Leading from Within
• Ikigai (生き甲斐): The Blueprint for a Purposeful & Fulfilling Existence
• 40 Spiritual Lessons: Wisdom for Life’s Journey