October 2024

I guess it’s time for me to get back to journaling. I have skipped it for quite a long time, since I started working on the September 2024 edition of the website.

Now, where to begin?

October 13

I feel that it’s time for me to take a break from the blog for a while. I was left completely exhausted after finishing the September-October edition (not to mention, very sick).

Some kind of flu struck me in mid-September. Something like the coronavirus. For 3 continuous weeks, I could not help but cough all the time.

And to make things worse, I had to spend time in isolation working on the Sept-Oct issue for more than 2 weeks…

Now I am feeling much better (though not quite back to normal yet, I guess). And the Sept-Oct issue has already been published. So I assume it’s time to re-evaluate my progress and decide on the path forward.

Sometimes, I feel that I am plagued with so many attachments. I feel attached to a lot of things – to this blog, to the money, to the fame, to a self-created self-reputation, and so on.

And these attachments, I feel, just stuck me in an endless cycle of doubt and suffering. Unnecessary suffering. Like hell. Like samsara.

What’s the point of all these things anyway? I cannot help but wonder. Where am I heading for? What do I treasure?

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil?

What’s the purpose of me creating content continuously? Is it for my own sake? Is it for the readers? Is it for the greater good?

I cannot help but keep questioning myself all the time.

Many times, I feel like I am just acting like a mayfly – throwing myself into some kind of “fire” as if my whole life is meant for it.

And the result? A pile of ashes. Nothing left.

A moment of temporary satisfaction, before emptiness follows.

Many times, I feel that I crave too much. I long for this website to get more traffic. I long for my passive income to become more “stabilized”. I long for my content to become popular and get more engagement. I long for readership. I long for perfection. I long for some kind of self-identification.

And then, amidst all of the cravings, I become immobilized and unable to take any action at all.

Many days, I woke up feeling empty inside.

Spending time in isolation for a long time seems to be really harmful. I have been trying to get in touch with some of my friends from time to time. Some agreed to catch up; some just stayed silent.

Shikata ga nai, right?

Maybe it’s time for me to start doing something else and re-discover my passion. Maybe it’s time for me to take a break from this blog for a while (probably with the exception of journaling). Maybe it’s time for me to become re-connected to the outside world.

This morning, I just attended Mass; and the reading passage really struck me. It was about a rich man who had committed every good deed possible, except for one thing.

He could not let go of his possessions.

Attachment, it seems, is a real problem for those who wish to become better. And I feel that I’m in the same position as him.

So maybe it’s time for me to be detached from things and start listening to the voice inside.

…

Last time, I was talking about a few points on my agenda.

• For now, it seems that I should cross out #1 for a while (probably until December, when I expect to start working on the new edition). I guess the current traffic is fine; just let things be without trying to break the order (and give trash content as a result).
• #2 is ok, I guess. And so is #3 (maybe it’s time for me to start preparing for my lessons in advance – so that I can have more time for other agendas).
• #4 should be invested more in (I guess it’s time for me to go back to the gym, despite the costs incurred).
• #5 is critically important (I cannot keep it floating any longer; it’s time for me to get back to my Japanese study – and be prepared for whatever is to come).
• #6 is also crucial (how can I get a full-time job then? I guess for now, let’s use the time in the day to deal with #5, at a co-working space probably).
• And #7 is, I guess, obvious.

This afternoon, I have an English class to deal with. After that, a meetup with the N1 online class in the evening (I cannot keep weaseling away from it; it’s time to confront it and be responsible for my own doings).

Then I guess I should compile the teaching slides for the whole next week, before booking a place at a co-working space.

Tomorrow is the certification issue date for the July 2024 JLPT test. I guess I should start the day by getting my N2 certification (and therefore reinforce my commitment to learning Japanese).

Maybe it’s also a good time to start getting in contact with some kind of … well, international study consulting agency. What other choices do I have now?

Ok, sounds like a plan. Let’s smash it! No more loafing around!

Tenki ga iikara, hajimemashou!

(11:40 AM GMT+7 – October 13, 2024)

October 14

Just got the N2 certificate this morning, and now I’m already in a co-working space. I guess things seem to be on track, or so it seems…

Let’s see, what do I have to do today?

There are 3 English classes this evening, 3 tomorrow, 4 on Wednesday, 2 on Thursday, 2 on Friday, 2 on Saturday, and 1 supposed to be on Sunday (maybe there’s a possibility of 1 additional one on Saturday too). I guess let’s try to cover all of them this morning – so that I can wholly dedicate my time to learning Japanese for the rest of the week.

Seems like a plan. Let’s smash it!

(09:35 AM GMT+7 – October 14, 2024)

October 25

More than 10 days have passed since the last time I journaled. And yet, it seems that it was a (pretty) transformative period.

At least for now, it seems that I have had a purpose to work for within the following months. Even though I don’t think I have stabilized yet, I feel that there’s a reason to wake up every morning – and be hopeful.

Just went out for a walk this evening. On the road, a stranger stopped me and asked me to help him withdraw money from his bank account. He was an elder who seemingly had little experience using the ATM machine.

I have to admit that when he waved at me, I was somehow hesitant and unsure what to do. However, it seemed that my intuition proved correct.

To help a stranger for apparently no personal gain at all…

It is something that human beings do from time to time. Something so mysterious, and so magical, I guess.

Anyway, I guess it’s time to have some rest and be ready for whatever is to come. Happy weekend!

(09:30 PM GMT+7 – October 25, 2024)